Monday the 10th of June 2002                        No. 36

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day
There is nothing more expensive than a woman who is free for the weekend.

NEW ZEALAND TO HOST
RUGBY WORLD CUP

Yes, that's exactly right. We don't even have to shag around waiting for next year.
The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup will be held on the weekend of September 20th, 21st and 22nd of this year in Christchurch.

It is similar to Golden Oldies only with three grades.
It started off with some Good Bastards moaning about the high cost of travel and accommodation associated with Golden Oldies and they suggested we run a Good Bastards Rugby tournament along similar lines.

"Stewth" I said, "That could upset a few people."

Well, with a lot of encouragement from many Good Bastards, much of it coming from within teams or past teams of Golden Oldies, here we are walking on the hallowed ground of New Zealand Rugby.

Neil and Ronata Blanchfield have an events company called Team Blanchfield and they have picked up the ball, so to speak, and their company is going to be the prime organisers.

They recently ran the World Masters Games in Christchurch, so they are very well equipped to run this event.

Good Bastards is going to set up a fund called The Good Bastards Help a Mate Fund and it will be the beneficiary from our side of things.

The Good Bastards Help a Mate Fund will raise money from various ways, and then assist Good Bastards that need a hand.

Things like someone wanting a new wheelchair or travel funds for an overseas operation.

Good Bastards will appoint a board that decides who we help and how. I have had initial talks with Ernst and Young, the accountants, to do the auditing.

So, we need a hand to get the word out to those who have a team fitting our very broad criteria and can participate in the tournament.

You might not be in a team, but want to be part of it all. Drop me an email paddy@goodbastards.com and we'll see if we can put together a Good Bastards Team (or two) in our own right as well.

Watch this space as details unfold about the event and supporting events. Just remember our slogan "Where too much humour is never enough" Now there's a clue as to some of our supporting events.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo: I have just worked out the most accurate formula in my entire chemical career. Paddy: What's that? Bloody Leo: It's for a happy marriage. Keep your mouth shut and your cheque book open.

Good Bastards Rugby Jersey

Here is what they look like only they have a black collar and the Good Bastard Logo on the front.

The Good Bastards Rugby Jerseys are getting closer. At the moment we are taking reservations for the exclusive edition. There will only be 100 jerseys ever, and you will receive a special certificate of authentication.

They cost NZ$159 each, or only NZ$135 if you are a member of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards which is free to join. Click here.

The Good Bastards Rugby Jerseys make great gifts, great items to raffle and a treasure that will go up in value in the future.

Get in the Good Bastards Squad of 100
Order your's today. Jerseys@GoodBastards.com

The Priest's Rooster

Paul the priest was a bit of a strange bastard.
He couldn't express himself that well and he had this pet rooster.

One Saturday night the rooster didn't come home, so on Sunday morning Paul the priest stood up in the pulpit and asked;

"Has anyone here got a cock." All the men stood up.

"No, no, I mean has anyone here seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no, I mean has anyone here seen my cock?" And all the alter boys stood up.

The passing of two Really Good Bastards

In the last two weeks two really Good Bastards passed away. Joe Myer in Brisbane and Jack Ferguson in Christchurch.

Joe was at the Good Bastards book launch on the Gold Coast in November. He was a printer and use to do work for me about thirty years ago. He was a great guy, a real Good Bastard and will be sadly missed.

Jack was the butcher in Hokitika as well as a businessman who had a variety of interests. One of my first real estate deals was selling him John Gibbs' flats (last week's Good Bastards Hall of Fame) back in 1973.

We spoke on the phone about a month ago and agreed we should catch up for a beer. Sorry Jack that I never made it.

When folk you know pass on it's always a time for reflection. It's usually time that we reflect on how we could have done a little bit more while they were alive. How we could have tried a little bit harder.

Take a moment to reflect now, reflect on what you can do to keep in touch with mates you haven't seen for a while and make the effort to pick up the phone and arrange to catch up. Don't think about it. Do it now.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Bob Stuart

Bob Stuart worked at the Fox Mill about 35 years ago and helped me through a few scrapes. We shared some fairly solid sessions at the Fox Hotel, substantially contributing to their coffers as we sorted out the problems of the day.

In those days Bob had a propensity to get kicked out of the Fox Pub with regular excitement. In fact he scored somewhere in the region of about 20 lifetime bans from the legend of South Westland Hospitality, Mary Kerr. I think I copped a couple meself.

So, you can imagine the surprise I got the other day when I walked into the Fox Hotel and asked who was the bar manager as I wanted to sell them some Good Bastards Beer. Bob Stuart fronted up and we both got a hua of shock.

I guess it only goes to show that if you can get enough lifetime bans from a place, you'll finish up running it.

At a party in the staff quarter's hut one night way back then, the keg had a bit of a leak and the jug catching it had been kicked over a couple of times. (Not by Bob or me) The hut was awash with grog and Bob decided we should clean it up. So he stuffs off, only to return a few minutes later with a power saw. He starts it up, deafening every bastard, smoke everywhere, stinking to the high heavens, then he proceeds to cut a hole in the floor of the hut to let the excess booze flow out!

The Fox Hotel had a continuous flow of female staff passing through. Something some blokes have never been quite able to drag themselves away from.

Click here to see previous entrants to the Hall Of Fame

Good Bastards Hall Of Fame Nominations

Who do you know that deserves to be listed in THE GOOD BASTARDS HALL OF FAME?

You can nominate someone you think fits the bill. Click Here to get full details

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group

Paddy at Liquor King

While in Auckland I went along to Liquor King's store in Ponsonby and gave away a few samples of Good Bastards Beer.
It was a great success.

Liquor King stock Good Bastards Beer in all their stores the length and breath of New Zealand. So, if you are looking for an outlet to get your Good Bastards, Liquor King can help you out.

For those who can't get hold of the magic potion, you can always click on www.shopnaked.co.nz and order it from there. Simply type in the words Good Bastards on their site and go from there.

A coupla from Capt'n Jack

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "Is there more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the clerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference?"

The lady responded, "It's all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami, where he was to meet his wife after her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were all looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor, but was told the airline was not responsible and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died just the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Good Bastards Cartoons

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter. Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Little Paddy

Little Paddy took a note to his teacher from his folk that read. "The opinions of this child are not necessarily that of his parents."

Win a T-shirt

We are expanding our range of apparel. You will soon be able to buy all sorts of Good Bastards mocka.

Among other items that are going to be available, we will have a range of Good Bastards T-shirts with different slogans on them.

You can win one. It's dead easy. Simply send us your idea of a saying that represents the Good Bastards Attitude that could be put on a Good Bastards T-shirt.

Remember we are about humour, hurling pineapples up the arses of those mutant bastards who support Political Correctness, slanting the iridescent greenies, having a few beers, having a good time, helping our mates, avoiding wankers, taking the piss out of politicians, and not letting do-gooder bastards walk all over us.

Not forgetting the snobby bastards that thrive on class distinction. They are perfect targets for Good Bastards to have a shot at.

If we use your slogan we will send you a T-shirt free. In the event of getting two or more of the same or similar slogans, the first received will be awarded the T-shirt.

Settle down Hutch, we will be getting the classy polo shirts soon.

Margaret makes U grin

Now here is a bit of Good Bastards Secret Business.
One of my sources for gags is Margaret's Make u grin newsletter. You can get it sent to you a couple or so times a week by sending an email to makeugrin-subscibe@opt-in4email.com

Hooter

Hooter: I told the bastard I would meet him half way.

Paddy: Well that's fair enough.

Hooter: Trouble is the bastard doesn't understand distance.

Good Bastards Fashion

Good Bastards Kurt and Louise from Auckland send us heaps of gags and stuff for the site.

As we are going into a range of Good bastard apparel, here is there suggestion for the start of the Good Bastards Womens Collection.

Perhaps we could parade it at the Good Bastards Day on November the 5th Southland Hotel Hokitika.

Those interested in modeling the range, please send photo.

No Bloody Leo you can't apply.

Kurt and Louise puzzle

Result for last week

Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament

August the tenth in Westport is shaping up as a biggy with plenty of Great Rugby Chicks, Good Bastards beer and great Rugby.

As Pat Condon would say, "Doesn't get much better than this."

Soccer world Cup

This was taken over the weekend at the Soccer World Cup.

This poor bastard had to have a nervous whizz before the game and got caught.

From now on, it will have you taking more notice of poor buggers when they do a bit of pre-game stretching.

Sent in by Lindsay and Marie Courtis

Things Hippie does when he is shopping with his lady

Hippie gets real pissed off with having to tag along on the shopping sojourn. So he has come up with a few things to make the tribulation.

Get 24 boxes of condoms and put them in other peoples shopping trolleys.

Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at five-minute intervals

Make a trail of tomato sauce on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

Go to enquires and put a box of smarties on lay-by.

Move a CAUTION WET FLOOR to a carpeted area.

Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them if you bring pillows from the bedding department.

When an assistant asks if they can help. Start crying and say, "Why can't you people just leave me alone."

Look right into a security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the assistant where you can get some anti depressants.

Dart around the store suspiciously while humming the tune to Mission Impossible

Hide in the clothing rack and yell out, 'pick me pick me.'

When there is an announcement on the loud speaker, assume the foetal position and scream, 'NO, NO, it's those voices again.'

Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here."

Good Bastards Bar and Grill

Over a few days last week, I spent quite a bit of time checking out sites in Christchurch and meeting with people who can carry out the fitout for our first Good Bastards Bar and Grill.

It was pretty full on trying to fit everything into two and half days. Somehow I got most of the real important stuff completed.

Ernst and Young are putting together our business plan and the whole concept is coming together very well.

Watch this space and we will keep you up to date with progress.

Naff

Good Bastard Naff had a rare experience the other day. He peed a fly off the edge of the bowl only to see it drop towards the water, regather and fly back out and land on the tip of his nose.

Who's pissing whom off here?

Last word from Paddy

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you're laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This week's wacky site

Now here is one you will have to check out www.firediving.com

P.S. Hutch, do you think you can jack up one of these for Hyndsie, Al and me for our annual lash at adventure we do prior to Good Bastards Day?