Monday the 3rd of June 2002 No.
35
| Bought to you for your drinking pleasure by GOOD BASTARDS BEER If it’s not a Good Bastard, you’re drinking the wrong beer |
| Share the secret, GOOD BASTARDS is not only good, it's good for you |
Coming to you from Christchurch, future home of the first Good Bastards Bar and Grill.
Thought for the
day
Always yield to temptation, it
may not pass your way again.
Grand
Winner
of
a year of Good Bastards Beer
is
Lindsay Hall of
Hamilton NZ
We received a good selection in the last week with some latecomers rattling down the straight. However, the judging panel of Ricardo from the Rock, Sarah from the Sunday News and Paddy finally agreed on Lindsay's joke. He also won a Good Bastards Book and Very Rare Good Bastards T-shirt last week. He sort of cleaned up in a way.
 |
| Congratulations Lindsay, your grog will be on its way to you next week. |
Here's the winning gag again.
Doctor Nick had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he could not. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But once in a while he would
hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him, "Nick,
do not worry about it. You are not the first doctor to sleep with one
of their patients, you'll not be the last, and you are single, so let
it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Nick....
you are a vet!"
Here are last week's winners:
John Southon, Ruakaka
John won the Good Bastards rare T-shirt
as well as the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success
When an aeroplane carrying Bush, Blair and Mugabe suddenly developed
engine trouble over the Pacific, a decision had to be made as to who would
get the only available parachute.
Mugabe suggested it be put to a democratic vote.
He won 12 to 2.
Bill Kane, Oamaru
Bill won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success
On their wedding night the groom took off his trousers and told his new
wife to try them on.
"They don't fit," she said.
"Then don't forget," said the husband, "in this house I wear the trousers."
She threw him her knickers. "Put them on," she said.
He looked at her skimpy scanties and said, "I can't get into these."
"No," she said, "and if you don't change your bloody attitude you never
will."
Michael Connelly, Hastings
Michael won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with
Paddy the pilot and Mike the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport
they looked out of the window.
"By Jeesus," said Paddy, "will you look at how short that runway is?!"
"Ya not kiddin' Paddy," replied Mike.
"This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna
see," said Paddy.
"Ya not kiddin' Paddy," replied Mike.
"Roit Mike, when I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse," said
Paddy.
"Roit, I'll be doin dat," replied Mike.
"And den you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can," said Paddy.
"Roit, I'll be doin dat," replied Mike.
"And den you put the flaps down straight away," said Paddy.
"Roit, I'll be doin dat," replied Mike.
"And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla your soul," said Paddy.
"Roit, I'll be doin dat," replied Mike.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Mike full of nerves and sweaty
palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Mike put the engines in reverse,
put the flaps down, rammed the breaks and prayed to Mother Mary with all
of his soul.
Amid roaring, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched
to a halt 2cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy
and Mike and everyone on the board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out
the front window and said to Mike, "Dat has gotta be ta shortest runway
I have seen in my whole life."
Mike looked out the window and replied, "Yeah Paddy, and the widest too."
Shane Kidd, Waihi Beach
Shane won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success
A man walked into a pub and ordered a beer.
"I barred you last night for conning drinks out of my regulars," said
the barman, "I'm not serving you."
"But this is the first time I've ever been in this pub!" claimed the man.
"Well you must have a double then," replied the barman.
"That's very kind of you," said the man, "make mine a whisky."
Bryce Clethero, Tauranga
Bryce won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success
Stirling Mortlock, George Gregan and Rueben Thorne were in an airline
crash and all ended up in heaven in front of God sitting on his great
white throne.
God addressed Stirling Mortlock first, "Stirling, what do you believe
in?"
Stirling replied, "Well I believe that engines that run on fossil fuels
are evil and so are the man-made CFCs and if we don't stop using this
stuff the world will die a horrible slow death."
God thinks for a minute and says, "OK, I can live with that. Come and
sit on my left."
He then addressed George Gregan, "George, what do you believe in?"
Gregan replies, "I believe the black man will inherit the earth & that
short black men with no hair are the sexiest men in the world and drive
woman crazy."
God replies, "I can live with the first part, but the rest is just dribble
speak. Anyway, you can sit on my right."
God then addresses Rueben Thorne, "Rueben, what do you believe in?"
And Rueben replies, "I believe you're on my throne!"
Bloody Leo
Paddy: How come you're smiling. Bloody Leo: I just got a bill for $500 from my solicitor for some advice he gave me. Paddy: How come you're smiling about that? Bloody Leo: Well I just wrote back to him and told him I'm not taking his advice. |
Good Bastards Hall
of Fame
John and Sue Gibb
John Gibb and I first meet about 1958. The late Jerry Murtha introduced us when we were about 13 years old. He was a good-looking bastard back then, or so the girls told me. Sue tells me he’s a better-looking bastard now. Mmmmmmmmmmm.
John and Sue live in Nelson and are in the fruit business. They have been supporters of Good Bastards all along. They even turned up at a few Good Bastards Days, having said they were coming to them all.
John generally has a good gag and like a lot of Good Bastards, intended to enter a few in our competition and never quite got around to it.
John the bastard is a good shot with a rifle and has scared shit out of me on more than one occasion roaring up West Coast Rivers, spotlighting deer at night in his Jet Boat.
When he first got the bastard we tried to learn to water ski, each taking turns at driving.
The problem was, it had this huge V8 donk that was far too powerful and would nearly pull your arms out your sockets, and when you hit the water, about 40 gallons would shoot up your arse.
Geez, I was glad we weren’t sheilas.
Wayne and Colleen Muirden and Sue and John Gibb |
Click here to see previous entrants to the Hall Of Fame
Good Bastards Hall Of Fame Nominations
|
Who do you know that deserves to be listed in |
 |
The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group
 |
Get
in the Good Bastards The Good Bastards First Fifteen are the first fifteen Jerseys in our exclusive numbered run of 00 to 99. No 7 is up for grabs. For Paddy's Birthday, the person who refers the most Good Bastards to The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards by July 10th will win the coveted item. Alternatively you can buy one for $159 (Only $135 for The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards) At this stage you reserve your exclusive number and we will email you
about payment and delivery date. They make great gifts for that Good Bastard who is hard to buy for. Numbers 1 to 15 are taken for promotional purposes and Good Bastards who have helped in a manner way beyond what was ever expected of them. When you encourage other Good Bastards to enrol, simply get them to put your name where it says: How did you hear about Good Bastards. |
Good Bastards Cartoons
We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you
are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can
buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49
with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.
Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons. |
Australian Push to get members into The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
We are gearing up to introduce Good Bastards Beer into Australia. As part of this we are seeking your assistance. If you live in Aus, we need you to encourage your Good Bastards mates to join up. If you live offshore and know Good Bastards in Aussie, email them a link to this website and encourage them to join up.
Little Paddy
When I was five, tit was a swear word |
Become a Beer Mogul
Now here is a site where you can have a bit of fun. Its called www.beermogul.com
You actually buy brewerys and Pubs, jazz them up and sell them. Produce
and sell beer. It's a lot of fun and if you want to make any decent money,
it has you thinking.
It's just the same as the beer business in reality. Give it a go. I have a beer for sale in there. It's called Bloody Good Beer. If you do nothing else, buy 5000 bottles of "Bloody Good Beer"
Slante
http://faculty.umf.maine.edu/~donaghth/toasts.html
Steve Flynn from Christchurch sent me this site, which is one you will want to put on your favourites. Slante is pronounced Lawn Chair with a slur and is Irish for Good Health.
Great bloody fun just learning how to say it
It's a site that has some great toasts on it. We will probably put one up here from time to time. Go look and enjoy.
Sean and Paddy
Paddy: How are things in Ireland?
Sean: Fine, Wet.
Kurt and Louise puzzle
Result for last week
Here's this week's puzzle:
The Auckland Leg of The Good Bastards May Mission and June Jaunt
Everything went well up in Auckland. Decided the winner of The Year Of Good Bastards Beer, and along with Hyndsie, announced it in the studio at the Rock. Meet with a few folk on Secret Good Bastards Business and Stain Busters business.
It's a holiday here in Christchurch today. Queens Birthday, a lot of folk reckon it's a useless idea. Do you know why they put the Queens head on stamps? Well, Pat Condon reckons if they put her bum on the stamps, no one would lick it.
I'm here for a few more days and will be flat out on Good Bastards Bar and Grill Business along with some for Stain Busters. Then it's back to Sunny Queensland.
Last word from Paddy
Why is it called cargo in a ship and shipment in a car?
Why call it a bloody building when it's already built?
How do you know when its time to tune the bag pipes?
This week's wacky site
It's called www.bumhunt.com I think it should be called poor unfortunate bastards.com
