Monday the 27th of May 2002                        No. 34

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day
In most cases it's easier to get forgiveness than permission

Good Bastards Six Pack Sells For
TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS

Yes, that right. A bunch of Good Bastards fishermen from Greymouth went to the New Zealand fishermen's conference in Wellington and apparently took with them a heap of Good Bastards Beer, buying out the entire stock of the New World Super Market in Greymouth.

At one stage of proceedings there was an auction where these Good Bastards sacrificed one of their treasured six packs for the cause.

Bidding was ferocious! The six-pack was finally knocked down for $200

That's more than $33 bucks a bottle.
So buy up big while you can get it cheap.

I've got my spies out and next week, all things being equal, I'll be able to give these Good Bastards the recognition they deserve. As soon as we get the details, they will be going into our Good Bastards World Records. Click here to go to our World Records Page.

Remember, we are always on the look out for Good Bastards World Records, so if you have an idea, either do it on the basis described or talk to us to be involved.

We have commenced sending The Good Bastards News to all members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards. Please advise if you haven't received yours via email and are still having to search for it each week. A number of folk either supplied the wrong email address or have changed addresses.

Good Bastards Great Joke Hunt

Well it's getting closer! So far we have 15 winners and 15 finalists for THE YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER. It is definetely not too late for you to WIN! Simply grab a copy of the Sunday News, clip out the coupon and send in your best gag.

You stand to win a copy of the book GOOD BASTARDS the larrikins guide to success (available from all good bookstores or ask them to get it in for you). Plus each week we have a weekly winner who wins a Very Rare Bastard T-shirt.

Weekly finalist go into the final to win THE YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER

I'm off to Auckland to do the judging on Thursday and then on Friday the 31st, Hyndsie and I will be at the Rock with Nick and Rog to announce the weekly winners, and the grand winner of THE YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER.
Tune in at 8:45am and hear if it is you that has won THE YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER

Fingers out your arses.
Get a copy of the Sunday News then send in your best.
WE'RE WAITING FOR IT, YOU USELESS BASTARDS.

Who knows, you could win A YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER. Weekly prizes of Good Bastards Books. And each week the winning entry gets A VERY RARE GOOD BASTARD T-shirt. All finalists go through to the judging for THE YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER. Only entry’s received by the Sunday News will be valid. Then listen to the ROCKS Morning Rumble with Nick and Rog at 8.45 every Friday morning to hear the weekly winners.

Here are the frequencies you can catch it on around the country.

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

The entry form will be in the

Here are last week's winners:

Lindsay Hall, Hamilton
Lindsay won the Good Bastards rare T-shirt
as well as the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

Doctor Nick had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he could not. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But once in a while he would hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him, "Nick, do not worry about it. You are not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, you'll not be the last, and you are single, so let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Nick.... you are a vet!"

A J Gander, New Plymouth
AJ won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

There was a donkey in a field. And in the field there was a thistle. And on the thistle sate a wasp. And the donkey ate the thistle. When the wasp got down inside the donkey's stomach it was all nice and warm and the
little wasp thought, "Gee it's real warm in here. I'll have a little sleep and when I wake up I'll give this here donkey some stick." And when the wasp woke up the donkey had gone.

Sue Morris, Paeroa
Sue won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

A Russian peasant was plowing a field when he found a dirty old mirror. He had never seen a mirror before and as he rubbed off the dirt he said, "Goodness it is a picture of my old father."

He hid the mirror in the barn and each night he secretly went and looked at it. Meanwhile, his wife
had noticed him sneaking out all the time and she was suspicious, thinking he had another woman. One night she followed him to the barn, and watched him through a crack in the wall. After he had gone, she ran to the hiding place and pulled out the mirror.

As she looked into it, she breathed a sigh of relief and said,
"Thank god - if that's the old bag, he's welcome to her!".

Tory Follari, Lynfield
Tory won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

Spiderman goes to see his psychiatrist and his psychiatrist says, "I'm afraid you've got Arachnophobia. But don't worry it just means you're self-conscious."

Andrew Stewart, Masterton
Andrew won the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

Q: What do you call a man that has no legs, no arms and can swim?
A: A clever dick!

My mate Hooter in Australia

Because the contest is not valid there, Hooter recons that he knows over a hundred jokes better than the ones that have won the prizes so far. If he is right, then it's wide open in this last week for someone to scoop the pool and GRAB THE GROG WITH A GOOD GUTSY GAG.

Scottish Study

The Good Bastards
Rugby Chicks Tournament

Tournament Gains an enthusiastic response from TEN Rugby Unions

August the 10th is shaping up to be a great success if the enthusiasm of the 10 rugby unions that Anthony Martin spoke to this week are any indication. Here is how Paul Madgewick wrote the story in the Christchurch Press last week.

WEST COAST SATURDAY, 25 MAY 2002

On August 10, Westport will host the inaugural Good Bastards Rugby Chicks women's tournament, with 20 teams expected to enter.

Good Bastards founder Paddy Sweeney, formerly of Hokitika and now of the Gold Coast, said the tournament was the idea of a United States company, Rugby Chicks, and was being organised as part of a South Island tour by American women's rugby teams.

Further tournaments will be played around the island, with a potential prize pool of more than $100,000.

It is a joint venture involving rugby coach Anthony Martin, who coached female rugby in San Diego, Rugby Chicks Wendy Walworth and Trisha Hunter, Buller rugby's Glen Elley, and Good Bastards Beer.

"When we heard about the tournament it fitted nicely with our promotional ideas," Mr Sweeney said.

Good Bastards Beer grew out of the Good Bastards movement, an informal club founded on mateship, laughter, and beer. From humble beginnings in a Hokitika hotel two years ago, the movement is finding popularity around the world.

The beer is brewed at the Miners Brewery in Westport and is selling well in bottle stores and hotels throughout the country.

"The West Coast is renowned nationwide for its hospitality, and mix this in with a potential prize pool exceeding $100,000 and a pub crawl, there is plenty for players and supporters alike," Mr Sweeney said.

He hoped to make the Westport tournament an annual event.

The Honest Lawyer

Last year after Good Bastards Day, for entirely legal reasons we invited a solicitor mate, Kevin Jaffe, down to the Good Bastards Hilton to savoured the Good Bastard Hospitality dished out by Good Bastards Pat Condon and Mike Alford.

In the process, Pat Condon, who was John the Baptist in a previous life, christened Kev with the name the honest lawyer and it stuck, probably because it's true.

I thought it was about time that we revealed some of Kev's more recent defences in the courts for his clients. Here they are.

"The reason why my client was driving down that side of the road M'lud was because the other side was full."

This client came to Kev because he had been up on charges of making love to his wife after she was dead. Kev used the defence that he didn't know she was dead, she'd been like that for years.

Kev asked his witness if he was surprised about a certain event. "Well you could have buggered me through my oilskin," was his reply. Kev approached the bench and said, "I think he means he was taken back M'lud."

Kev had a client that was charged with soliciting after he had approached a member of the Philharmonic Orchestra. He used the defence, "M'lud I have heard these bastards play and they all need shagging."

One of Kev's clients was up for rape and had to go into an identity line up. As soon as the girl appeared in front of the line up Kev's well-briefed client yelled, "that's her"

Kev had a client who was pulled up for speeding. The police officer got out a breathalyser and told him he would have to blow into it.

"What's that for?"

"It tells you if you have had too much too drink."

"Struth, I married one of those.

Keep up the good work Kev.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Dylan Taylor - Dan Carmine
Jay Ennion - Ian Taylor
And the Fifth Beatle
The Legends

Back in March I met a heap of real Good Bastards when we had a tent at the Blues Brews and BBQ's event at Shagley Park in Christchurch. What made it a rip roaring success was this team of Good Bastards that I had giving me a hand behind the bar. Not only did these bastards sell one hell of a lot of grog, they are great bunch to work with and highly entertaining. What made it so entertaining was how courageously these blokes got into chatting up the ladies as each day progressed. This may have had something to do with the heat; then again it may have been pure courage and testicular valour derived solely from numerous bottles of Good Bastards Beer. It can do that you know. By the end of each day there were more women in our tent than there were outside. Something like a talent quest with only the best going through to the final. Now, I have to tell you, there was a fifth Good Bastard who I didn't get his name as he never came back on the Sunday. Apparently he was corralled, but then that's only an unconfirmed rumour. He was a real Good Bastard who worked his arse off. With a bit of luck we can tell you his name in a future issue. In the meantime he'll be called the Fifth Beatle. The photos here, minus the fifth Beatle, will give a slight clue how things unfolded down on the famous Park that sunny and otherwise peaceful couple of days. Well, OK Bloody Leo, maybe I should have added pissy.

Click here to see previous entrants to the Hall Of Fame

Good Bastards Hall Of Fame Nominations

Who do you know that deserves to be listed in THE GOOD BASTARDS HALL OF FAME? You can nominate someone who you think fits the bill, to get full details of the criteria Click Here

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group

First Week On Sale
The GOOD BASTARDS Footy Jersey highly sought after

The jersey orders are starting to pour in. Have you ordered your's? In the near future, these will be real collectors items and a bloody good wear as well.

Each is a one off having an exclusive number on the back from 1 to 99. They are the best quality. We could have gone for cheapies, but given the RARE AND EXCLUSIVE nature, we decided to make them extra special.

It will be no good coming along wanting one when they are all gone. Because they are so exclusive they will make an exceptional gift or an exceptional treasure to own. Here is what they look like minus the logo, and they will have a black collar and special message on yellow tape on the collar.

They cost $159. However if you are a member of The Most Recent Of Good Bastards you get a 15% discount making them $135, a saving of $24!

Postage is $5.00 in New Zealand. Overseas postage, packaging and insurance is $15.00.

Email us at jerseys@goodbastards.com and put a hold on the number you want. In return, we will advise payment details and delivery date.

If a six pack of beer sold for $200 who knows what these "Won't be Available" bastards will sell for in the future.

You also receive a certificate of authentication that adds additional value to these collectables.

Saint Pam

Saint Pam: What are you looking for in the cupboard?

Paddy: Nothing.

Saint Pam: It's not there, it's under the bed.

Good Bastards Cartoons

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.

Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

How to get a bloody Mobile phone to work in the bush

The first point I suppose is you need to have a hut that has a TV aerial.

Step one: Switch on the phone

Step Two: Climb Ladder

Step three: Hold on to TV Antenna to gain reception

Step four Ring the bastards back at the office and say you won't be back for at least a bloody month.

Compliments of Jim Maloeuf of the USA who is known to frequent Good Bastards secret locations deep in the heart of the West Coast of New Zealand.
Thanks Jim, I look forward to catching you there some time soon.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo bought this new half smart dog. One day he was sitting on his back porch playing cards with the dog when Paddy came around.

Paddy: "Geez, a bloody dog that can play cards, that's bloody smart Bloody Leo."

Bloody Leo: "He's not that smart Paddy, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Big Announcement next week

Yep, all things being equal, next week will see a big announcement about a Good Bastards WORLD EVENT.

Can't tell you too much, or it wouldn't be an announcement

NZ Greens walk out of parliament

Well who is the silly f*** wit that let the crud back in again. They chose to go, LET EM STAY GONE. No one ever called the lemmings back up the cliff.

They are protesting against genetic engineering. The reason being, that someone might tidy up the strain and eliminate this radical vermin off the planet forever more.

It's a bit like boss hog mosquito standing up for the elimination of mosquitos forever more.

Is there a God? Could this actual happen! One can only hope. Take them home God, put them in the Garden of iridescent Greenies where every day there is some new life they can muddle in. Oops sorry God, should've known, they belong to the other bloke.

PS. If I had to choose between mosquitos and the greens, give me the mosquitos. At least with those bastards you know where you stand. They can only bite you, they can't screw you.

Kurt and Louise puzzle

Result for last week

Here's this week's puzzle:

Hippie

Received a great crop of gags from Hippie in Dunedin. Seems there is no end of humour to this Good Bastard.

Here is a summation of a few blonde gags that I thought could be revived one more time. Well to tell the truth they were newies for me. We'll display more of Hippies wit in the coming weeks.

Hippie knows this blonde headed Shelia and she seems to be always in strife. She headed off to Disneyland for a holiday, got there, spotted a sign that said Disneyland Left, so she went home.

She was driving down the highway over there in hunighted States and a cop pulled her up for going too slow in a 65 mph zone.

"Why ya gaw'n so slow, mam?" Drawled the officer.

"Just obeying the road rules officer. The sign says 22 and that's all I'm doing." Retorted Hippie's mate.

"Thas the highway numbaar mam. How come da kids are shaking and look so scayred in da back?"

"That's because we just came off highway 129."

On the way back from the airport she spotted another blonde rowing a boat across a dirt paddock. She was so disgusted that she hopped out of the car, went up to the fence and yelled. "If I could swim, I would swim over there and kick your arse. It's stupid blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

Last word from Paddy

An irreconcilable difference is when the wife is melting down the wedding ring to make it into a bullet. Well that's what sandal wearing Pat Condon reckons.

Something is happening out there and it's fantastic; it was only a few weeks ago we were averaging 35 visits a day, now its closer to a 100 visitors a day. We are getting there, achieving 10% of my goal to average a thousand visits a day, and a long way to go to the 10,000 members in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

With all the events that are coming up, some you'll hear about as they get closer. With your help the numbers of new members continues to grow. When you receive your email each week send it on to other Good Bastards and ask them to join up.

This week I am heading for NZ to attend to various Good Bastards matters. It was going to be the May Mission, but as it now includes next week, it'll be called the June Jaunt as well.

I will be Auckland through to this Saturday, then down to Christchurch and back to mission control on Thursday the 6th of June.

I am also running some ads for Franchisees for our other outstanding business, more on that by clicking Stain Busters.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you're laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This week's wacky site

Have a ball at the testicle festival http://www.outwestnewspaper.com/balls.html