Monday the 20th of May 2002                        No. 33

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day
Don't trust a dog to look after your food.

Yes, that's right, a high quality, specially designed footy jersey that will soon be available to those looking for quality attire. Here's a bit of class to have you stand out from the crowd as a real good bastard.

Not only that, this is going to be an exclusive offer. There will be only 100 in a limited edition that are numbered on the back. Here's your chance to be a part of the original team. They're selling fast.

Retail price NZ$159 plus postage; $5.00 in NZ, $10.00 overseas.

Members of The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards receive a 15% discount, which makes them $135 plus postage. Save $24 dollars.

They look fantastic, predominantly black with a yellow and red stripe on the shoulder. Very bloody cool man.

If you are interested, send an email to paddy@goodbastards.com and put a hold on one for you. Numbers one to fifteen are either gone or are being kept for special promotions, as is number 69. You can choose any other number. List an alternative in case your first choice is not available, otherwise you'll be given the next number on the list. Choose your age, your birth date or any bloody number you want.

Send no money to reserve your jersey. There is an approximate six-week turn around from when you place your order.

The Good Bastards
Great Joke Hunt

Well, we have passed the halfway point and there is still a heap of bastards out there that are intending to send in their best gag BUT still haven't got around to it.

Better get your finger out your arse or you'll be too late. Grab a copy of the Sunday News and get your entry form, then write the bastard out in neat printing, (Shudder, reminds me of frigging school) or type the bloody thing and send it in.

A year of beer is there for the best one, 100 dozen, 208 six packs, (I know it doesn't add up Bloody Leo, but you're the only bastard that gives a shit.)

Then listen to The Rock on Friday mornings to hear old goofy here announce the weekly winners and declare the grand winner for the week who gets the very rare Good Bastard T-shirt.

THEN on Friday the 31st, yours truly and Hyndsie will be in the studio with Nick and Rog to announce the grand winner of the year of beer.

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

The entry form will be in the

Here are last week's winners:

Bryce Clethero, Tauranga
Bruce won the Good Bastards rare T-shirt
as well as the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, always met with his Toastmasters Club. One evening while knocking back a few Good Bastards Beers, they were having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reily raised his glass and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he won top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!"

"Oh me, that is very nice indeed John," said Mary.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddie on the street.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come!!"

J Paynter, Kingsland, Auckland
J.Paynter wins the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground carpark and parks it there.

Two weeks later the man returns, repays the $5,000 plus the interest which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says to the man, "We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found
that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks!"

Buster Wallis, Naenae, Lower Hutt
Buster wins the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

An old lady decided to spend her life savings on a world cruise and hoped for the time of her life. Sadly for her the toilets were coin operated and as she had a weak bladder she was constantly running out of change.

At her wits end, she approached the purser with the suggestion she be given a key to the toilets and keep a tally of her toilet visits and settle up at the end of the cruise. Trying to help her, the purser decided that they
should ask the captain if this would be possible.

Unfotunately the captain was one of those old fashioned English types and looking down his nose he informed the old lady, "Madam, I'll have you know this is the Blue Star Line, not the P and O!"

Joseph Pilitati, Henderson, Auckland
Joseph wins the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

A snail crawls to the back door of a house and knocks on the door. A man answers the door but doesn't see anyone there.

Then the snail says, "Oi!! down here."

The man looks down and sees a snail calling him. He says "what do you want?"

The snail replies, "Yeah, um I've got some brochures here on vaccum cleaners which I wish you to see."

The man looks confused, then angry. He picks up the snail and throws it all the way to the back of the yard.

Three months later the snail is back at the door and knocks on it. Again the man opens the door, can't see anything, until the snail says, "Oi, down here."

The man looks down, sees the snail and asks, "What do you want?"

And the snail says, "What did you do that for?"

Andy Blick, Murupara
Andy wins the book: GOOD BASTARDS
The larrikins guide to success

An 80 year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at." replied the doctor.

Kelly Frisby, Christchurch
Kelly wins the book: GOOD BASTARDS,
The larrikins guide to success

The Game Show was all tied up with the last 3 contestants all vying for the champions trophy plus a cheque for $100,000. The Game Show host said, "I have one final question. The first to correctly answer and spell the answer correctly will win."

"Now complete this phrase: Old MacDonald had a ...?"

The American pushed his buzzer and responded, "Ranch... R - A - N - C - H"

"No, sorry that is not correct."

Next the Englishman pushes his buzzer and replies "Estate... E - S - T - A - T - E"

"That is also incorrect."

Finally Paddy, the Irishman, pushes his buzzer and shouts out "FARM!... E - I - E - I - O!"

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Alan and Patricia Proudfoot

Alan and Trisha are the publicans of the Southland Hotel, home of the Good Bastards Day, the first Tuesday in November. (You should be there!) The Proudfoot's have seen Good Bastards Day evolve from the other side of the bar and we must be doing something right given the amount of tremendous support they give us. They have been the publicans for over eleven years and manage a staff of over 60 full and part time people. They are excellent hosts to a number of events including the Sand Dunes Classic, a golf tournament that is played on the beach. Their hospitality and professional style sees the establishment host many functions including weddings, twenty firsts, family reunions and it's a popular place to congregate when a Good Bastard has gone home. They were the first publicans to stock the Good Bastards Beer and they continously replenish their stock to keep locals and visitors well supplied. If you're looking for a comfortable place to stay on the Coast, don't go past The Southland Hotel. I've enjoyed many a beer with Alan and sure as hell look forward to enjoying a helluva lot more. P.S. Have you booked your accommodation for the Good Bastards Day yet?

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

Up the duff on a can of bake beans

"So," demanded the irate father, "You're pregnant."
"Yes," replied the dutiful daughter.
"Well, who is the father?" demanded the irate dad.
"Well, when you eat a can of baked beans, do you know which one makes you fart?"

From Good Bastards Kurt and Louise in Auckland
Thanks for this one

This very wealthy playboy met this beautiful young lady in a lounge. He took her to his very lavish apartment and soon found that she wasn't a tramp. In fact she was very well groomed and very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he showed her his exclusive range of early editions by very well known authors.

In offering her a drink he asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry.

"Oh Sherry, by all means. To me it is the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquor is poured into a glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I am lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems that I am about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins fills my ears and I am transported into another world. Port on the other hand makes me fart.

Kurt and Louise

Over the next four weeks we will have four puzzles that Kurt and Louise sent in. See if you can figure out the answer. Here is the first one, answer next week.

Bloody Leo

Prostitute: Wanta have sex?

Bloody Leo : Only if you do it like my wife.

Prostitute: I will do it anyway anywhere anytime

Bloody Leo: She does it for free.

The Good Bastards
Rugby Chicks Tournament

As announced last week we are sponsoring the inaugural Good Bastards - Rugby Chicks tournament on August the 10th at Westport on the West Coast of the South Island New Zealand. Same town where you will find the famous Good Bastards Brewery.

There is a heap of Good Bastards Beer to be won plus $5000 worth of Rugby Chicks apparel and a chance to win $100,000.

If your team is interested email info@utp.co.nz
Or phone Anthony Martin on 03 788 8024 or 027 248 8100
Brochure available

Good Bastards Cartoons

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.

Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Garden Variety

A man goes to the doctor because he has this big green thing growing on his donger.

"What's the matter with it doc," he asks?

"Well, you know how boxers get cauliflower ears?"

"Yeah"

"Well you have brothel sprouts."

Few New Photos

Check out the photo gallery. Click here or use the button on the left to check out the Good Bastards Photos.

Paddy and Mick

Two Irishmen robbed a bank and got two big sacks. They decided to take one each and not get in touch for some time.

After a year they met up. Paddy says to Mick "What was in your sack?"

"Half a million."

"Gee, what are you doing with all that?"

"I bought a car, a house and a Harley Davidson. What was in your sack?"

"Bills!"

"Bills! What did you do with them?'

"I'm slowly paying them off."

This week's wacky site
You won't believe this

Go to http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm

Little Paddy

A travelling salesman knocked at the door of Paddy's house when he was nine. Paddy answered the door puffing on a cigar, with a half finished bottle of port in his hand. Salesman: "Hi, are your parents at home?" Paddy: (Looking down his nose at the salesman) What the f*** do you think dude.

Who are all these Good Bastards?

First one to identify everyone in this photo wins a dozen of Good Bastards Beer.

John O'Reilly

John was recently in New Zealand visiting from England and he got sprung for drunk driving. If that wasn't bad enough, he got caught pinching his urine sample. Now he is being had up for taking the piss.

You should know this

Did you know that the word kayak and racecar are the same regardless which end you spell them from.

Last word from Paddy

Last week Alex Campbell passed away. He was 103 and was the last living ANZAC from Gallipoli.

As a young man he convinced authorities that at 16 years old he should go to war. He was a brave man and one that never forgot the NZ in ANZAC.

Alex has now gone and his passing does mean the passing of the spirit that existed in that terrible massacre.

It is well documented why Gallipoli was such a tragedy. It had little to do with Australia, New Zealand or the Turks. Alex and his pals knew and as far as I'm concerned they will go down in history as among the greatest Good Bastards that ever lived.

The Second World War saw the ANZAC sustain a 68% causality rate, over 225,000 dead or injured. And our so-called leaders are still sending good young men and women to war, and the media is still working away convincing us that that is the thing to do.

As much as I support, respect and admire the folk of the armed forces, this is one little black duck that remains unconvinced that lives of good bastards lost in a war is the best solution.

See you back here next week for the next edition