Monday the 13th of May 2002 No.
32
| Bought to you for your drinking pleasure by GOOD BASTARDS BEER If it’s not a Good Bastard, you’re drinking the wrong beer |
| Share the secret, GOOD BASTARDS is not only good, it's good for you |
Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland
Thought for the
day
Go the extra mile,
it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Principle Sponsor of the Inaugural Rugby Chicks Tournament
The world of Rugby is growing throughout the world, and one of the prolific
growth areas is that of women’s rugby. This has grabbed enormous popularity
in the USA where Rugby competitions now prevail in a number of colleges.
New Zealand and Australia are also experiencing an upsurge in support for this aspect of the sport. So much so, the first Woman’s Rugby Tournament is being held at Westport on August 10th this year.
Teams are currently registering, with one already registered from the USA and others from NZ.
Good Bastards is the principle sponsor. And those teams that register
before the 30th of June will be in the draw for one hundred
dozens of Good Bastards Beer. (NZ teams only.)
There is also a hit for cash, where 30 entrants can have a go at winning $100,000 on the day. There is $5000 worth of Rugby apparel to be won.
It is open to Senior and development grades.
If your team is interested email info@utp.co.nz
Or phone Anthony Martin on 03 788 8024 or 027 248 8100
in The Good Bastards Great Joke Hunt
Well, we’re underway with The Good Bastards Great Joke Hunt, where you can win a year of Good Bastards Beer.
All you have to do is get the Sunday News on the 5th, 12th, 19th or 26th of May and retrieve the Good Bastards entry form then send it in with your best gags.
Each week there are prizes of Good Bastards Books to those who make it through to the Final. In addition, each week there is a weekly winner who will receive a very rare Good Bastards T-shirt.
There will only ever be five of these T-shirts and you can win one of them.
The winner of this week’s T-shirt is B. Flavell of Parakai Helensville, who will also receive the book as well.
Here is this week's winning gag :
| A bloke from Papakura decided to visit his sister who lived in Hamilton. Having no car or money he decides to ride his pushbike down to see her. So off he goes, but just past Mercer he gets a puncture. As he sitting on the side of the road wondering what to do a Yankee pulls up in a big flash Cadillac. After telling the yank about the puncture, the Yank, whose car and boot are full of suitcases, tells him to hop on his bike and he will tow him to Hamilton. They further agree that if the car is going too fast, the bloke is to ring the bell and the Yank will slow down. Just as they are pulling back onto the road, a pommy guy in a Rolls Royce goes shooting past at a hundred miles an hour and he gives the finger to the yank and hurls a mouthful of abuse. The Yank says, “Why you pommy bastard @##<fd*&!!!?{L^^^! etc” and gives chase completely forgetting about his man in tow on the bike. A while later three Maori fellas are coming out of a pub in Ngarawhahai and spot the Caddy and the Roller roaring down the main street at top speed. “Phew,” says the first Maori guy, “look at that flash Rolls Royce doing a hundred down the main street.” The second one says, “What about the Yank in the Cadillac hot on his tail!” “Don’t worry about those two, bro,” says the third. “What about the bloke on the bike right behind ringing his bell.………. He wants to pass!” |
A Good Bastards Book to Daniel Van Selm of Hamilton for this one
A truck driver is bringing a truckload of penguins from Wellington Zoo to Auckland and his truck breaks down just outside Levin. A second truck pulls up to help and as he is heading back to Auckland, he offers to take the Penguins on his truck.
The first driver gives him $200 for expenses and tells him to take them to the Auckland Zoo.
A couple of hours later the first truck driver has his truck fixed and is Auckland bound. He arrives in Auckland and pulls into Queen Street to have a cup of coffee and a snack.
He had no sooner sat down and he spots the second truck driver walking down the street with a string of penguins following him down the street.
He rushes out and says, “What the hell are you doing? I thought I told you to take the penguins to the zoo?”
“I did, and I had some money left over so now I’m taking them to the movies.”
A Good Bastards Book for Jonts Hauraki from Timaru for this one.
A lady walks into a pub and sees a cute guy sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks what he is drinking.
“Good Bastards Magic Beer.” He replies.
“That isn’t really Magic Beer is it? She enquires.
He says, “Yes it is, I’ll show you.”
So he takes a mouthful of beer, jumps out of the window and flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady is amazed. “Bet you can’t do that again,” she says.
So he takes another drink of his Good Bastards Magic Beer and does exactly the same thing again.
She is amazed and says she wants one of them Good Bastards Magic Beers.
She takes a drink goes to the window and jumps out. She plummets thirty feet to the ground and lands SPLAT. She breaks two legs and an arm.
The barman looks at the guy and says, “You know superman, you can be a real cruel bastard when you’re pissed.”
And a Good Bastards Book for this one from Honk Baker from Wanganui
A woman had just moved into a cottage in the countryside and was doing it up and had ordered some blinds.
The next day when she was in the shower, there was a knock on the door and she yelled, “Who is it?”
The reply came back,“It’s the blind man from the village.”
“Nothing to put on,” she thought. “No one will see me, and since it’s a blind man he won’t be able to see me either.” So she puts a towel around her waist and goes to the door.
The blind man says, “Hi, I’m the blind man from the village. Nice breasts, here’s your blinds.”
Get the Sunday News and send in your best joke. |
Who knows, you could win A YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER. Weekly prizes of Good Bastards Books. And each week the winning entry gets A VERY RARE GOOD BASTARD T-shirt. All finalists go through to the judging for THE YEAR OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER. Only entry’s received by the Sunday News will be valid. Then listen to the ROCKS Morning Rumble with Nick and Rog at 8.45 every Friday morning to hear the weekly winners. |
Here are the frequencies you can catch it on around the country.
| Auckland 90.2 FM | Waikato 93.0 FM | |
| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
www.therock.net.nz
| The entry form will be in the |
 |
Bloody Rotten Bastard Virus
A life long pox on all those dirty rotten absolutely useless bastards that permeate the world with their bloody viruses. If I ever get hold of one of those bastards, they will wish they had the life long pox, as it will be minor compared to how I would deal with them.
Here’s a tip on how to avert theses bastards.
Get a good virus checker that automatically checks all your files everyday, all your emails and also updates itself automatically.
Capt’n Jack, worlds best webmaster, cleaned my ole gal up here and put this thing called Inoculate on her which does all off the above.
You can get it from https://www1.my-etrust.com
The other thing you need to do is to register the following in your email address book
This is a dummy address that deflects when these worm virus’s attack your address book, they crap out on this the first entry in your book. That way it won’t send out all these insidious messages to every bastard on an ongoing basis until your whole system clogs up.
Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Phil Duffy
The chairman of the board
It took me a while to get a photo of Phil, but on a recent trip to the West Coast, I caught Phil with his daughter Josephine, and a Good Bastards Beer in his Hand.
He is yet another West Coaster who seems to have found the Fountain of Youth. This vibrant 88 year old can quite frequently be found attending Good Bastards Secret Business Meetings in the Southland Hotel, Hokitika.
Phil and his late wife Bid had a store in Kumara for an enormous number of years called P J Duffy. Draper.
It was there that Phil and Bid raised six wonderful daughters. Kathleen, Erin, Marie, Therese, Ilene, and Josephine. These lovely lasses sure dote on their dad and there is no one that would be game to say he doesn’t deserve it.
A foundation member of Good Bastards and regular attendee at Good Bastards events, Phil is liked by everyone, who all would agree that he is as good of a Good Bastard as you could ever find.
In looking for an elder statesman to give our Patron Bill Condon a hand with the hard jobs, there was no other possible choice than Phil Duffy. So, Phil was appointed Chairman of the board, and he does a bloody good job at it.
Here’s to you and your continued good health, you bloody Good Bastard.
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| Phil Duffy enjoying a Good Bastards Beer |
Phil Duffy and his youngest daughter |
Pat Condon wins the fifty bucks for April
Pat Condon’s New Sandals
It’s a true story, and it happened on Pat and Linda’s last trip to Pakistan. It seems they went into this shop that sold sandals and the man in the shop asked,
“Do you like to make wild sex like wild dessert camel with buddy big villy? If you do then these sandals are for you.”
Pat looked at Linda and gave a wry smile. Being the sex god that he is, he didn’t think it was necessary for him to buy the sandals.
Linda thought otherwise.
So with her prompting, Pat asked. “Just how could these sandals improve a man’s sex life?”
“Just try dem on Sahib, just try them on and you will see.”
As soon as Pat slipped the sandals on, Linda saw something in his eyes that she hadn’t seen in years – raw sexual power.
In the blink of an eye, Pat grab the Pakistani and spun him around ripping his pants down while at the same time dropping his own daks.
The Pakistani started screaming.
“YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET SAHIB”
The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Our group is growing on a daily basis from all over the world. Keep those registrations rolling in; it will be a big bearing as to when a Good Bastards event is held near you.
Who do you know that could be in the Good Bastards Hall of Fame?
This week we have a new button. Hall Of Fame Nominations. With one click on it you can nominate someone for the Hall of Fame.
The following guidelines may prove useful.
- 1. A photo is essential for the nomination to be considered, several can be useful although not essential.
- 2. All nominations are required to have a seconder
- 3. The person doing the nominations must belong to The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
- 4. The person being nominated does not have to be a member of our group.
- 5. There can be no self-nominations.
- 6. Just because someone is nominated, doesn’t mean they will be listed in the Hall of Fame.,
- 7. Listings in The Hall Of Fame may not take place for quite some time.
- 8. If someone isn't admitted to the Hall of Fame doesn’t mean ‘they're not a Good Bastard.’ We can only list 52 per year.
- 9. Additional criteria may be added from time to time.
- 10. The listing is final and no correspondence will be added into.
Good Bastards Cartoons
This week we start the Good Bastards Cartoons, the masterpieces of
Dean Turner. Paddy writes the gag lines and Dean puts them into pictures.
Dean also did the cartoons in the book Good Bastard, The larrikins guide to success. All the characters are real and the things that they say are what they are likely to say. You will get a closer look at Gary Hutchison, (Hutchy) John Hynds, (Hyndsie) Pat Condon, (Condo) Tim Teen (Teeno) Alan Kerr (Kerbs) and Paddy. Other Good Bastard will get a mention from time to time. We are actively seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Cost of the CD is AUS$49.00 and you have the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter. Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons. |
Little Paddy
Little Paddy was sitting on the step outside his mother’s shop and was
pouring battery acid from one empty bake bean can to another.
A priest came along and asked him what he was doing. Pouring battery acid from one can to another.” He was politely told. “Oh that’s very naughty, very bad. You should pour holy water from one can to another; it is much safer.” Admonished the priest. “What’ll that do?” asked Paddy. “Well, if I rub it on a lady’s tummy, she will pass a baby in an immaculate conception,.” advised the priest. “That’s nothing. If I rub this on a cat’s arsehole, it’ll pass a Ferrari.” |
Good Bastards Bar and Grill
Things are progressing quite well on this front. We have located a prime site in Christchurch and are now waiting for architect’s drawings.
Our business plan is with Ernst and Young, being ratified.
The syndicate of Good Bastards backing the venture is being assembled, and this growing group is becoming very excited about the project. And why wouldn’t they be. This is, we believe, the beginning of the next major brewery in New Zealand. And, as time will reveal, it is the one that has a number of competitive edges over all its opposition.
The world can be a very exciting place indeed, when you’re on the right winner. Anyone wishing to know more should email paddy@goodbastards.com
This about sums it up
An eager bunch of women went to this island resort for a holiday. On checking the place out shortly after arrival, they came across a five-story building that had the sign: “FOR WOMEN ONLY”
Not sure what this meant, they decided to ask the bouncer on the door.
“Well, my good ladies, in this building there five floors. Each floor is designed to cater for certain needs. You go up to a floor and if that suits your needs you have to stay at that level for the duration of your holiday.
They all agreed that it sounded very fair and so off to the lift they went.
On the first level the sign read. “On this floor, all the men are kind and sensitive but they are lousy lovers.” They all agreed that the other floors must be better, so they elect to go to the next level.
The second floor sign read. “All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly.” No that wasn’t any good, lets check out floor three was the consensus.
Upon arrival on the third floor the sign read. “The men on this floor are all good lovers and sensitive to the needs of women.” While this sounded very good, they still had two more floors to go, so they decided to press upwards.
Wow, the fourth floor sign read, “All the men here are good looking, great bodies, rich, fantastic lovers, single and straight and very sensitive to the needs of women.” While this was just incredible, the fifth floor beckoned.
When they arrived, they could hardly get out of the lift, the place was packed. Women everywhere. The sign here read;
“There are no men on this floor. It was built to prove it is impossible to please a woman.”
Get Your Beer Here
Two of the main bottle shop chains that have our beer are Liquor King and The Mill Liquor Save. There are now over 200 outlets that stock the beer, and we expect to lift that to over three hundred by the end of June.
www.shopnaked.com can supply it to you direct off the net. There was a bit of a glitch last week. I said it would be available there and there was a stuff up on my part getting the logos through.
That has now been dealt with and you can order direct off that site, especially if you are in an isolated area and can’t find any bastard that sells it.
If you are liquor outlet and want to stock the beer,
phone Alan Absalom on 03 789 6201.
Bloody Leo, when he was in University
Lecturer: What happens when you immerse a body in water?
Bloody Leo: The bloody phone rings.
Speaking of Bloody Leo, he rang me up to say he was in Coffs Harbour. Well stuff me dead, so was I. He was there for a conference and I was there on Stain Busters Business.
Well, needless to say we caught up and had a Thai meal and about 30 or 40 of some other bastards rotten beer. Needless to say we were both crook the next day.
I had to get up at 6AM to do a live cross to The Rock for the Good Bastards Great Joke Hunt. Well, at least I think I did. You can’t trust other bastards’ rotten grog. Shouldn’t have touched it, but a man’s a bloody weakling.
Steve Bennett wins the ten six packs of beer
We had a competition in March with a prize of Ten six packs of beer for the person who could introduce the most members into the Most Recent Order of Good Bastards.
Well, the very first person to enrol was Steve Bennett. And now he has gone on to introduce ten more people into The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards.
Joe Ellingham from New York was second with six. For his efforts, Joe will receive a complimentary autographed copy of the new book coming out in about two months.
“It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard.”
We will be having another recruitment competition in a short while, so keep your eye on Good Bastards News. It will only be open to those who are members of MROGB, so get in the loop and join up. Just fill out all the fields in the application form to enjoy the other benefits that will accrue.
Big Announcement coming up for the Good Bastards Rugby Club
Can’t tell you too much as it would spoil the surprise. However we have made massive inroads towards our first tournament.
The major venue is booked and the first teams have their names down to be involved.
Probably told you too much as it is, so watch the TV, the papers, the rugby publications and keep listening to the Radio and you will soon be as excited as we are with what is about to unfold.
Super 12's/Mel Gibson
Went to a new movie with Mel in it. For those who didn't know, Mel stared on sixty minutes with me. Anyways, this new movie was called We were Soldiers. Not about a yarn. About a massacre. That side of it was a bit tame when you watched the massacre of the Warratahs by the Crusaders on Saturday night. 96 -19. C-mon the crusaders. Wish I'd have taken them in the finals picks. Bloody sandal wearing Pat Condons got them.
Last word from Paddy
As you can see, there are heaps of things happening within the Good Bastards Movement. It is only possible because of all you Good Bastards that support what we are about. Especially those that drink the beer and buy the books.
BIG THANK YOU
Your support and ongoing patronage is very much appreciated.
Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.
This week’s wacky site
Check out www.thedailybull.ca
See you back here next week for the next edition
