Monday the 6th of May 2002                        No. 31

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day
Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Buy Good Bastards Beer
on the Net

Yep, that’s right. Go to www.shopnaked.com and you can order the beer over the net and have it delivered. At this stage it is limited to New Zealand.

Slowly but surely we are getting the grog to everyone in every nook and granny, oops I mean cranny. Shop Naked is the site of Liquor King and they have a wonderful service for all sorts of grog.

Of course they realised that their service could never be complete if they didn’t have available the best bloody drop on the planet. So, if you can’t wait to win the year of beer, then click onto www.shopnaked.com and in no time you will be able to wrap your cackler around the smoothest drop ever made.

Win a Year of Good Bastards Beer

It will never be easier for some lucky bastard to get a massive supply of the elixir of life. Simply get a copy of the Sunday News and fill out the entry form and neatly print or type your best gag (s) then whack it in an envelope and post it in. Only entry’s received by the Sunday News will be valid. Then listen to the ROCKS Morning Rumble with Nick and Rog at 8.45 every Friday morning to hear the weekly winners. There are books to be won every week along with the rare as rare Good Bastards Rock T Shirt.

Here are the frequencies you can catch it on around the country.

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

The entry form will be in the

TELL ALL YOUR MATES ABOUT IT PLEASE. WE WANT THIS THING TO BE A RIP ROARING SUCCESS. That can happen if you guys and girls get behind it. Your shoulder to the wheel won’t go unnoticed.

It’s only very temporary, but

We’ve run out of Dark Beer! Maybe I should tell them to rewrite the song and call it the brewery with no beer. The problem has been that we sold all the stock and unlike the other crap people pour into their guts in an attempt to shorten their lives, our beer takes about six weeks to make. It’s a craft, not a bloody chemical factory.

So don’t say you weren't warned when the doc tells you your kidneys and liver is shagged from all the chemicals you've processed in the name of other bastard's beer.

Good Bastards Beer...

Get yourself sorted and go with the Good, the Good Bastards that is.

There's no fear, it’s bloody good beer and bloody good cheer.

There is no food colouring, chemicals or crap.

No food preservative, crook guts, headaches, there's nuthing like that.

So get your Mick Jaggers around the neck of that slim bottle brown.

Take a big draw, close your eyes and feel it slide down as you proudly toast everyone's health.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, that’s bloody good beer, that's Good Bastards Beer, the best that’s ever been made, oh yeah.

It’ll quench your thirst, give you a burst, and like Viagra on tap, it’ll help get that gal in your lap.

So get yourself in charge, stock it up large, and fill up before this stuff is sold out.

Can’t have you going without,, cause life can be mighty tough suffering from that sort of loss.

Now the ad says it's the best and there's never ever been better.

And you know what , I reckon they might be just right, Good Bastards bloody right.

Good Bastards Dark will be back into the bottling room in about two weeks and we will have tons of it.

We are still managing to fill all the Lager orders.

Peter Campion

Went to a stress management seminar and discovered that the cause of stress is management. So he is now abandoning his search for truth and settling for a good fantasy.

The West Coast Whitebaiters

It was a bloody good season and the bait was running, and the jet boat was working overtime trucking in the grog. There were no woman around and the boys were getting as horny as a red convertible outside boots milk bar in 1962.

There was no way anyone was leaving the river. The bait hadn’t been this good since Walter Nash started building state houses in Fendalton.

So they drew straws and sent Clawed Balls (Curly and Minnie’s boy) out to do the business and then come back and tell them all about it.

Clawed was away for a week and when he returned the boys gathered around to hear all about it.

"On the third day..." Clawed began.

The boys all shouted him down and said "No, no start with the first day."

Clawed just glared at them and continued.

"On the third day, she asked me to stop so she could go to the toilet."

Bloody Leo

Katie: "If you ever stayed home with me on the weekend I’d drop dead."

Bloody Leo: "Listen Kate, there is no point in your trying to bribe me."

How to stop smoking in bed

Buy a waterbed and fill it with petrol.

Little Paddy

Paddy came home from school one day and found his grand dad sitting on the porch with nothing on below the waist. "Hey grandad what’s the go? You don’t have any daks on?" Granddad just kept staring out into the vast blue beyond. "Hey granddad what’s going on here?" This time grandad heard him and replied. "Well I suppose I can tell you, this was your grandmas idea, I was sitting out here last week with no shirt on and got a stiff neck?"

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Roo & Marge Curtin

Not many people know that Roo’s real name is Pat. Good name that. Roo and Marge have always been Good Bastards and have been to every Good Bastard event that ever happened.

I first met Roo when he was an apprentice builder in Hari Hari and I was working in sawmills. He not only learnt how to build bridges and houses, he also learnt how to drink the odd beer. Well they were all a bit odd in those days, as Good Bastards Beer hadn’t been invented. The Fords beer was very good as was the Tira.

Something about Roo and Marge, that every bastard knows, they don’t seem to get any older. Vern, Roo’s Dad, has the same problem.

By all accounts Roo will still have to pull his drives license out to get a drink until he is sixty or more.

They are a quiet couple, going about their business in an unassuming way, If you’re ever in need of a hand, Roo and Marge are among the first to be there.

Roo and Marge, a couple of real Good Bastards,
enjoying a laugh with Gus Heveldt

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

How Bloody Come!

How come it can take only one match to start a bush fire yet it takes a whole bloody box to start a camp fire!

Melon Head

This water melon farmer was having a problem with kids pinching his melons., (Dolly Parton had the same problem when she was at school) So to fix the problem he put a sign up and it read.

"One of these Melons is injected with cyanide."

The next day he went down to count the Melons and there was another sign.

"Now there are two."

60 minutes and iridescent greenies

In the recent 60 minute show there was reference to the iridescent greenies. I had a couple of emails asking what the hell there are. Well in a word "WANKERS" and below I will give an example of just how big of a bunch of wankers they really are.

Iridescent green is an artificial shade of green. Just as these people are artificial conservationists. A poll recently found that a massive 82% of these protestors were on the dole. Haven’t even got enough gumption to feed themselves in one of the richest countries in the world. 12% were schoolteachers and students. The other 6% were listed as being miscellaneous, whatever the hell that maybe. I won’t go there.

Now, while that’s bad enough, it’s not the real reason why they are wankers. I’ll get to that in a minute.

The average Good Bastard is a conservationist; they love and respect the environment. They understand the need to balance the survival of human beings who live within the environment and for them to preserve their culture.

The artificial greenie has no concept of this. They go out and in their devious covert ways rape the cultures of good and decent people. Then slink back into the shadows like Fagin did in the movie Oliver. They do this worldwide. They are a rat cancer in society.

They are a people of misaligned passion, intent on the greater good for all. Pity the absolutely useless bastards wouldn’t apply that passion to getting a job.

This little prank will sum up the integrity of these wankers. A Good Bastard a few years ago in another country at a tree huggers protest decided to test the motives of this group of elite wankers.

He circulated the group with a petition to sign. Of the 187 people he approached 183 signed.

He was asking them to support him in the strict control or total banning of the chemical dihydrogen-monoxide. And for plenty good reasons;

It is a major component of acid rain

Accidental inhalation can kill you.

It can cause server burns in its gaseous state.

It is a significant contributor to all erosion.

It is the main ingredient in the cause of rust.

It has been found in tumours of terminal cancer.

It decreases the effectiveness of braking systems in cars.

It can cause excessive sweating.

It has been known to cause nauseous vomiting.

The four that didn’t sign the petition refused to on the basis that they knew the substance being surveyed was nothing else but plain old water.

That sums up the mentality of your iridescent greenie. It is the same type of basis that they justify the raping of human cultures.

Shamus

Shamus was doing a stint behind the bars, steel bastards that is, for making the Potine. Potato Whisky.

Kathleen was left to run the farm, something she knew very little about. In her frustration she wrote to Shamus in prison and asked when was the best time to plant the potatoes.

Shamus replied "Kathleen what ever you do, don’t go near the field, that’s where all the guns are buried.

The warden intercepted his mail and sent the guards to dig up the paddock and find the guns.

They returned to the jail, frustrated and without any guns.

Shamus again wrote to Kathleen, "Now is the time to plant the potatoes."

Shamus' Mate

His mate Declan, who was also up in court, the prosecutor asked him "Did you kill the Victim?’

"No" said Declan.

"Are you aware of the penalties for perjury?" The prosecutor warned.

"Well I’m not sure what they are exactly, but I understand they are a helluva lot less than they are for murder."

Bloody Leo's Lottery

Bloody Leo's got this lottery going down at the pub. It's for a million dollars and there's only 1000 tickets at 50 bucks.

The first prize is a million dollars and everyone is a winner of the million bucks. You get a dollar a year for a million years. You’re not just an ugly face Leo.

Nothing Wrong with a Good Hymn

The priest was dishing up his usual sermon of fire and brimstone and hell damnation;

"If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it and POUR IT INTO THE RIVER."

Then with even greater empathise he threw his fist in the air and yelled with all his might, a glazed look of intense hatred coming over his scrawny face.

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I would take it and POUR IT IN THE RIVER."

Not content with that, he threw both arms wide open in the air and with his eyes peeled back and popping out of his head like gigantic ping-pong balls. He mustered up all the spit, hoick and saliva he could and with an almighty roar and a spray he gushed forth like a burst dam raging down a canyon.

"And if I had all the whiskey in the world , I WOULD TAKE IT AND POUR IT DOWN THE RIVER."

He then finished his sermon, wiped his mouth on his lace sleeve and went back from the pulpit. (often wondered why they call it the pull pit, I suppose that’s why they built them so high)

It just so happened that Paddy was playing the organ this day. As soon as the priest reached the alter, Paddy started playing the hymn. We shall gather at the river.

Hooter

Hooter and Paddy were having a secret business meeting the other day and Paddy told him that roosters couldn’t crow unless they have their necks fully extended.

Hooter replied that he had the same trouble with the pigskin bus when he tried to park it in tuna town.

Hooter also advised what the letters WOMAN meant!

Will Often Moan And Nag

Bloody Lucky

Talking about the Balls, when I was a teenager I went roaring around this corner on my Ariel Square Four and arsed up in the ditch between Bill and Denise Smiths place and Curly and Minnie Balls place.

Luckily, I was pulled out of the ditch by the Smiths

Bloody Lawyers

How many lawyers does it take to stop a runaway bus?

Never enough.

Last word from Paddy

I remembered to put in the answer to last weeks puzzle but now I can’t remember what the answer is!

Only joking. The best result would be to get your long lost mate to take the lady to the hospital, that way he would likely bring your car back. It would then leave you at the bus stop to do the business of chatting up the drop dead gorgeous woman.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This week’s wacky site

Check out www.strangecrap.com

See you back here next week for the next edition