Monday the 29th of April 2002                        No. 30

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day
Fighting for peace is like shagging for virginity.

Yes that's right! Keith Slater, the producer of the show, has confirmed this to me. Now that's a real WOW. When we spoke of a big week last week, we were dead right. The 60 minutes show was a real blast based upon the emails, phone calls and folk joining THE MOST RECENT ORDER OF GOOD BASTARDS. Have you joined up yet? As the Nike ad says, DO IT NOW

It's an amazing thing, people coming out of the woodwork and Good Bastards just continues to grow and grow.

I have yet to see the program as I am currently in Australia kindling fires for great Good Bastards things in this country. My old mate Hutch had the phone set up in front of the TV speaker so I heard the audio of the show. Sounded pretty good to me.

A copy of the show should arrive here about midweek and we are planning a 60 minutes Good Bastards dinner and a few drinks.

Good Bastards beer is very scarce, all I have is a suitcase full that I bring in each trip. That doesn't take long to go, what with Good Bastards lining up for a taste and my own pallet needing attention in between bursts of diets.

The press release went out and papers around the country ran with the story. Below is the one that the Christchurch Press published.

W E S T   C O A S T   S T O R Y    GOOD DROP: Former West Coasters and confirmed Good Bastards Paddy Sweeney, front, and Paul Teen enjoy the Good Bastards beer and book before their launch in Hokitika. The beer is due to be launched at a new Christchurch bar of the same name. PAUL MADGWICK/The Press 'Good Bastard' of a bar to open 25 April 2002 By ANNA CLARIDGE Going around to your local Good Bastard for a beer is only three months away for Christchurch lager lovers. The Christchurch Good Bastards Bar and Grill will be the first of five in New Zealand and eight in Australia, and will come complete with a staff of "good bastards". West Coast beer magnate and Good Bastards founder Paddy Sweeney, now based in Australia, last night said he was "working on some initiatives" for the Christchurch development. "The bars will be unique to what we are about. There will be a humorous theme to them with cartoons on the walls, and our staff will have attitude. We'll have Good Bastards food, and Good Bastards music, and comedy nights, and it will all be priced for your average Good Bastard." When asked who else was behind the developments, Mr Sweeney said, "some other good bastards". CLICK HERE FOR COMPLETE ARTICLE

Paddy, Hutch and Hyndsie

Paddy, Hutch and Hyndsie had grown old and were sitting on a park bench reminiscing about the most exciting thing they had ever experienced.

Hyndsie told the story of how he had this job once to patch up a hole in a concrete dam. It was feared that the dam would burst and wipe out several towns in the valley below. There was a huge evacuation, the army, the air force and the navy were all involved. It was a massive operation and the good news was that he fixed the hole and saved seven towns, two cities, 800 farms and 37 duck shooting mai mai's.

They all agreed that was very exciting.

Hutch relayed the time when a 56 seater bus went over Otira gorge and he had to go and rescue all the folk and retrieve the bus. He told how there was helicopters everywhere and 3 TV crews along with ambulances and police and flashing lights and how they save everyone without one loss of life.

They all agreed that that was pretty exciting.

Paddy thought for a while and then said. "Years ago I had this job picking up stiffs for an undertaker. I went to this hospital to pick up this poor bastard that had departed. Here he was lying on this bed with a massive erection. Now there was no way I could wheel him out with that sticking up like a circus tent pole. Wouldn't have fitted in the box either. So I looked around and found a broom and gave it an almighty wack as hard as I could. If it hadda been a cricket ball it would cleared the grandstand."

"You talk about excitement! I was in the wrong room! "

Kurt and Louise

Three women, a red head, a black head and a blonde, escaped from prison and sought to hide in the hayloft of a local farmers barn. They found three gunny sacks (What the bloody hell is a gunny sack) in the loft of the barn.

It wasn't long before the sheriff and his search party arrived. They searched all the farm buildings and finally arrived at the barn.

Finding no sign of anyone on the ground level of the big barn, the sheriff sent his deputy up to check the loft.

"Nutin up here shef, but three ole gunny sacks." Yelled down the deputy.

"Wots in em?"

The deputy kicked the first one and the red head went, "Woof woof."

"Just a good ole dawg in that one shef."

He kicked the next one and the blackhead went, "Meow."

"Just a darn ole pussy cat in that one shef."

He kicked the third sack and the blonde said, "Potatoes"

Win A Year Of Good Bastards Beer

Last Friday, during the morning rumble on the Rock in New Zealand, Nick and Rog and I had a chat and put folk on notice of:

THE GOOD BASTARDS GREAT JOKE HUNT
The quest to find the funniest joke on the planet
We are giving away a year of Good Bastards Beer, 210 six packs of the dew off angels wings.

Every Friday, for the next four Fridays, I will be on air with the shock Jocks revving up all you Kiwi joke tellers to go out and buy the Sunday News, get the entry form and send in your best gag. There are weekly prizes for the five weekly finalists, along with a rare as rocking horse crap, 'Good Bastards Morning Rumble T Shirt.' There are only five in existence. One given away each week and one for our Good Bastards Museum that will be on display at one of our Good Bastards Bar and Grills. Probably the first one which is opening in Christchurch later this year. So, listen in at 8.45AM and hear what we have to say. The boys have to come up with a good gag themselves this Friday. I think it's going to be a shocker, so listen in and find out.

Here are the frequencies you can catch it on around the country.

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

The entry form will be in the

TELL ALL YOUR MATES ABOUT IT PLEASE. WE WANT THIS THING TO BE A RIP ROARING SUCCESS. That can happen if you guys and girls get behind it. Your shoulder to the wheel won’t go unnoticed.

It's just the way it is There were four people called anybody, nobody, everybody and somebody. There was this important job to be done and everybody thought somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, bit nobody did. Somebody got angry with this because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought anybody could do it, but nobody realised that everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when nobody did what anybody could have done.

Chris Duncan the almighty bear hunter!

Dunk went to America to go bear hunting and on his first day he spots this young bear and he thinks, I'll have that bastard."

Bang, and the bear rolls over dead. Dunk is feeling quite pleased with himself as he walks up to the bear, when he gets a tap on the shoulder, and it's the biggest, ugliest, meanest, cruelest bear you have ever come across.

He not only crapped himself when he got the shoulder tap, he crapped himself a second time when the bear actually spoke to him.

"Well man," said the bear, as the bear didn't know Dunk's name, so Dunk did a formal introduction, hoping that if he was nice, things might go a bit better. The bear went on.

"You have just shot my son, now I'm a fair bear, so I will give you two options. I can either maul you to death or I can shag you."

After six days of letting his bum heal, Dunk decided that no way was he going to let the big bloody bear get away with it so he went off into the woods to hunt him down.

Then bugger me, the bloody bear sneaks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder again saying, "I still haven't got over the loss of my son, so what will it be the mauling or the shagging?"

Three weeks later when Dunk's bum has sufficiently healed, he was now even more determined to bag the bear, so he sets off into the woods once more.

Then stuff me, the bloody bear taps him on the shoulder once more and says.

"You don't really come here for the hunting do you Dunk?"

The Pow Wow

A Texan, a Red Indian and a Muslim were having a quiet beer one day at the Southland Hotel.

The Indian says; "Once we were many and now we are few."

The Muslim adds: "Once we were few and now we are many."

The Texan pipes up and says; "That's account of we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

Coincidence

Two blokes met in the pub and one had a black eye. When asked how it happened, he replied, "I went up to the ticket office at the train station and this woman had these massive boobs and I accidentally said, could I have a ticket to Titsburg please. She turned around, and whamo, hit me fair in the eye."

"Geez, that's a coincidence," replied his mate. The same thing happened to me this morning. I went to ask my wife if she would pass the box of wheatbix and instead it came out, "You stupid bitch, you have stuffed my whole life up."

Alan Kerr

World's best jeweller, with wife Ruth, proprietors and franchisers of Christies Jewellers shops throughout the North Island. Alan and Ruth have this u beaut clock (as well as the cuckoo clock mentioned last week) that chimes on the hour and half hour. It chimes once for the half hour and then for the hour it chimes once for one o'clock, twice for two clock, etc have you got the picture? I'm not explaining it again Leo, keep up.

Al went into the house one day and heard the clock chime once, then later, he heard it chime once again, later he heard it chime once again. And buggar me, it chimed one more time after that.

Given that the time is right, what time was it when Alan entered the house?

Paula from Florida

Paula from Florida, thought it was time to point out a few male things that she has learnt along the way.

Why do men have names for their penis's?
Because they like to be on a first name basis with anyone who makes 99% of their decisions

What is a man's idea of fore play?
A half hour of begging.

What's the best way for a man to remember your wedding anniversary?
Marry him on his birthday

What do you call a man who tidies up after himself?
An over achiever.

What is man's idea of safe sex?
Giving you a false name and address.

Why do men talk about football?
Because it would be boring to talk about tits all the time.

How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy or filthy but wearable.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Malcolm and Marilyn Patterson

When Malc Patterson puts his mind to something, he is such a positive bastard he makes it happen. Of course this becomes very easy when you have a positive wife such as Marilyn backing you up and sometimes leading you along the way.

Back in the heady days of the Saint Mary's Football club, Malc use to always travel in my car because it was the fastest between pubs. Couldn't do that now, back in 1974, I had a new Valiant that could fair motor along.

Malc was a labourer up at the dairy factory and he played in the forwards.

He's now a director of the diary factory and at last count owned three dairy farms. Good bastards too, among the best on the Coast. He is no longer in the forwards.

The Patterson's are great fans of the Good Bastards day and all things Good Bastards.

Not hard for them to do, as they're from the original mold of Good Bastards. That makes them very positive Good Bastards.

Enjoying a Good Bastards Beer

Razz, Digger, Malc Patterson, and Dennis McLaren

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

Einstein's other Theory

Back in the first edition for the year, you read about when Saint Pam, Tanya and I met up with Al Kelly in Ireland on Christmas day. Al is a retired engineer and had become famous when he proved Einstein's theory of Relativity wrong. You can read about that by clicking here or going to the Archives button and clicking on that edition.

It has been bought to my attention that this old Einstein, the ancestor of Don Kings hair, also had another theory. Here it is:

The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag and increases with the heat in the meat compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.

If you're reading this Al. you might want to give us an opinion on this!

In Mourning

Suzie lost her husband and had been in mourning for over two years. Her daughter had been on her case to go out and get back into the real world.

She finally agreed and the daughter lined her up with a nice man from her work called Carl.

They hit it off and continued to date.

After six weeks they decided to go away for a weekend together and get to know one another a little bit better.

On the first night, Suzie was a bit reticent to get off all her gear and only undressed down to black lace panties.

Carl had all his gear off and he stood their taking in the beauty of Suzie when he asked, "How come you still have on the black lace panties, Suz?"

Suzie replied, "My breasts are yours to fondle, my body's yours to explore. But down there is still in mourning."

Now Carl knew that he was out of luck that night.

The next night as they undressed, Suzie noticed that Carl had on a black condom.

"How come the condom?" asked Suzie, not intending it to be a pun.

Carl quietly replied, "I'd like to offer my condolences."

Ten tips for better Golf

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder length apart.

Form a loose grip

Keep your head down

Avoid a quick back swing

Stay out of the water

Try not to hit anyone

If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you

Don't stand directly in front of others

Quiet please, others are preparing to go

Don't take extra strokes

If you don't play golf, you can use these same rules when you are taking a leak.

Last word from Paddy

So you cracked the last couple of puzzles did ya. Lets see if you can figure this one out.

There are three people on a bus stop and you can only pick up one as you have a two-seater sports car.

• 1. An old lady who is about to die unless she gets to a hospital.
  
• 2. An old friend who you haven't seen for years who once save your life.
  
• 3. A person who fits the perfect person of your dreams.
  

Given that you can only fit one other in the car, which would you pick up?

Answer next week, if I remember.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you're laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

Paddy

This week's wacky site

http://www.midnightsociety.com

See you back here next week for the next edition