Monday the 22th of April 2002                        No. 29

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

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Thought for the day
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

BIG WEEK FOR GOOD BASTARDS

The 60-minute program

The 60-minute program goes to air and lets all of New Zealand see what we are about. That’s on Thursday night at 7 30 pm on Channel 3. You won’t want to miss that.
Well, maybe you will! I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m pretty sure it will turn out bloody good.

Melanie Reid, the reporter, is a Good Bastard, as too is Keith Slater, the producer. George on the camera is a genius and Frank on sound could make a chalk scratch on a blackboard sound like music.

Go to www.tv3.co.nz and click on sixty minutes and you should be able to track down an overview, possibly a video clip. If it’s not there, check back in a day or so.

A year's supply of Good Bastard Beer

The countdown has begun for you to win a Year Of Good Bastards Beer. It’s all about finding the Worlds Funniest Joke. Everyone has his or her best gag. Well, here is your chance to send it in, and who knows, you might win a year of beer. A hundred and four dozen of Good Bastards Beer for crying out loud. The entry form will be in the It is the only official entry form you can use. So, get the Sunday News each week during May and send in your best. You can enter a new gag every week, just be sure to use the official entry form. Then listen to the Rocks Morning Rumble with Nick and Rog on Friday mornings and each week you’ll hear me telling the winning gag and who the other weekly finalists are. Prizes every week. You can pretty much listen to the Morning Rumble from anywhere in New Zealand. Here are the frequencies:

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

TELL ALL YOUR MATES ABOUT IT PLEASE. WE WANT THIS THING TO BE A RIP ROARING SUCCESS. That can happen if you guys and girls get behind it. Your shoulder to the wheel won’t go unnoticed.

GB beer available the length and breath of New Zealand this week

Yes that’s right, all of you who have been tonguing out for it. Lion Nathan’s Liquor King chain will have it in stock along with their Smuggler outlets.

They have good supplies on the way to their stores along with the Good Bastards book. So drink up, have a read and then have some more Good Bastards Beer.

Good Bastards Bar and Grill

Also this week, we are doing a Press Release about the Good Bastards Bar and Grill. The first one will be in Christchurch New Zealand with 12 more planned over the next five years.

• Prime Location: We have to be easy to find, highly visual and have great street traffic already going passed the door.

• Good Bastards Beer and other Good Bastards Drinks: Some great surprises here for you.

• Good Bastards Staff: You can expect a bit of attitude here. We have a few lining up for jobs already; good bastards who can give it and take it. Outgoing, great sense of humour and experienced at the task.

• Good Bastard Music: This will get you going. Never before has this concept been in NZ. You will love it. There will be other special nights as well. This will be your new hang out. Some folk are talking about moving to Christchurch just so they can enjoy what a great place it will be on a regular basis.

• Good Bastard Food: You won’t get a better steak. There will be other fare as well. What about our Good Bastards rump steak sausages?

• Good Bastards Theme: We’ve some very talented people working on this, you will be enthralled with it. It’s different. It’s fun. It’s the GOOD BASTARDS BAR AND GRILL.
  Spread the word that we’re coming soon.

We are currently looking at two prime sites in Christchurch with the view of choosing one, so lets see how it unfolds. However we are on the lookout for A VERY GOOD FOOD AND BEVERAGE MANAGER.

Someone who has the runs on the board, we are looking for the best. Someone who has already managed such an establishment and can contribute throughout the fit out program, getting it launched and carrying it on as a highly successful operation. If you know of someone, or indeed you think you are that person, please email me paddy@goodbastards.com

NEW BUTTONS

This week you will notice a couple of new buttons on the left hand side.

The Good Bastards World Records (And yes, there are already a couple there!)

If you have an idea for a Good Bastards World Record, or reckon you have just knocked one off, then drop us an en email paddy@goodbastards.com

The second new button is Paddy the Speaker.

This is something I have been doing on a paid basis since 1975. Bit of humour and a bit of motivation. Speaking engagements have been increasing, although it has been hard to accommodate some of them due to a busy schedule. So, if you’re arranging a conference and are looking for a speaker, check it out.

We have a serious meeting this week about bringing Good Bastards Beer into Australia along with further work on Good Bastards events here. So when we said we are having a big week, we weren’t kidding.

Enough of all this, lets get down to the serious business of having a cackle.

Bloody Leo Bloody Leo: I’m thinking of entering the big dick competition down at the pub. Katie: No way, I don’t want that thing seen in public. Bloody Leo: Awe, c’mon Katie. It’s a hundred bucks first prize. Katie: I’ve told you Bloody Leo, no way, don’t do it. You’re an arsehole if you do. Later that night Bloody Leo comes home from the pub with a grin on his usually grumpy countenance. Katie: You bastard, you went into the competition. Bloody Leo: Yep Katie: You rotten bastard, you showed that thing in Public. Bloody Leo: Only enough to win.

John and June

John was having a few beers with his mates and complaining that the spark had gone out of his marriage.

One of his mate suggested that he have an affair.

"Geez," says John, "what happens if my wife finds out?"

"Tell her first. We’re in a new age, won’t be a drama."

John took a bit of convincing, but finally,as good mates will do, they convinced him to go home and tell his wife what he intended to do.

"Hey d d dear, I’m going to have an affair to try and put a bit of spark back in our marriage."

June: "Nah, forget it, tried that, and it doesn’t work."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Gus and Maureen Heveldt

Gus and Maureen Heveldt will come out on a cold night and have a beer. Does that make them piss heads? No, it makes them Good Bastards.

Regular attendees at the Good Bastards Day, well Gus is and Maureen comes to pick him up and she spends the next four hours getting him to leave.

It’s not that he wants to stuff her around; he’s having so much fun at the great day, why would he or anyone else for that matter, want to go home.

Gus has been a tiring worker with the Marist Rugby club and has been a major reason why it is such great club.

He works for the Phoenix Meat Company and his card sez Client Services. Now that could mean just about anything. Who is the client anyway, the cattle or the cocky?

Maureen works for all round Good Bastard Durham Havill in the office of his freight business that I can’t spell. She is a Good Bastard in her own right and does a great job of looking after Gus. A task many others may well shirk.

They have four great kids including Hank and Jack the twins.

While it remains to be seen if it is included on this Thursday nights program of sixty minutes, Gus came up with one of his classic lines while the crew were filming a "Secret Good Bastards Meeting" If Sandra Lee was a possum, I wouldn’t dodge her.

Maureen Heveldt	Gus Heveldt Look at what the traitor's drinking! (pre-Good Bastards Beer)

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

The great marijuana hunt

Whitu rang the police and advised, "My neighbour Rangi has this marijuana stash hidden inside his firewood. You better go and have a look ay!"

The police thanked him and a car full sped around and searched the firewood shed. They then proceeded to split every log looking for the stash. They finished looking and left disgruntled having not found a skerrick.

Next thing the phone rang in Rangi’s house.

"Hey Rangi did the police chop the wood up," inquired Whitu on the other end of the phone.

"Yea they did ay."

"Happy birthday bro."

Hooter

Hooter finished up in the cot with this rather promiscuous girl. They had a night of wild lovemaking, then suddenly it occurred to Hoot that they hadn’t used any protection, so he asked,

"What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?"

"I would jump out of a 15 story window," she replied.

"Such a doll." Hoot replied.

PF Condon

You know the best thing about having you in the car when I’m driving in town Paddy!

No what?

We can park in the handicap zones.

Little Paddy

Teacher asked Little Paddy to name the elements,

"Earth, wind, fire and shagging," replied Paddy quite quickly.

The teacher was shocked. After she had composed herself, she just had to satisfy her curiosity.

"Now Paddy why did you include the last one?"

"Well I heard my mum talking to the neighbour and she said that when dad is shagging, he is in his element."

Sir Peter Blake

Peter Blake was murdered on the Amazon River. The Americas Cup champion was the last person anyone ever thought such a thing could happen to. I came across this article recently. Thought you might be interested. It is an account of what happened on the night from a journalist who was on the boat.

Go to www.nzgeographic.co.nz/pblastnight.html

Dave

Dave, who shall otherwise remain nameless, worked very hard at the factory and played several sports along with working out at the gym.

His wife decided to treat him on his birthday. Given that he worked so hard and played all these sports, she decided to shout him out at the local exclusive club.

As they arrived at the door the doorman says, "How are you tonight Dave?"

The wife says, "You must come here quite often do you?"

"No, he works out at the gym with me."

They go in and the waitress comes up and says, "the usual can of Fosters, Dave?"

The wife responds "Are you sure you don’t come here often?"

"No, not at all, she plays in the same bowling league as me. She’s in a team in the next lane to me."

The wife is starting to get suspicious and when the stripper comes up to Dave and flings her arms around him and asks "Do you want your favourite table dance tonight Dave?"

The wife glares at him as Dave starts to explain that she plays in the basketball clubs ladies team.

The wife has had enough by this stage, so she picks up her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows her and just catches her as she jumps into a taxi.

As soon as Dave hits the seat, the wife starts screaming. The driver turns to Dave and says "Geez you picked up a real bitch tonight Dave."

World Record

Last Wednesday, things came to a head for Evan Birchfield in Ross. He had been walking around this house to get to the pub and it was starting to piss him off. So he bought the bloody house and drove his tank through it.

It is now registered as an official Good Bastards World Record: The first obstacle removed by a tank to get to a pub in peace time.

COMING THROUGH: West Coast goldminer Evan Birchfield and his Centurion tank, after finding a shortcut to the pub. PAUL MADGWICK/The Press

Pump the accelerator and crash through.

In a modern twist to the old West Coast legend of miners tunnelling their way to the pub, Ross miner Evan Birchfield yesterday drove through a house to have a beer at the Empire Hotel.

"It was scheduled for demolition anyway," Mr Birchfield said.

The stunt was planned as a bit of fun: "We thought we'd go for the world record of a tank jumping a house. It also fills another desire of mine to take the tank to the pub."

Click here for complete article

Don’t take any chances Charlie Grayballs was working in Kathmandu when he received a fax from his solicitor. Your mother in law has passed away. Shall we order a burial, cremation or embalming.? Charlie faxed back; Don’t take any chances, do all three.

What’s the difference between Sin and Shame

It’s a sin to put it in, and a shame to take it out. Well that’s what Pat Condon reckons anyway.

Alan Kerr Jeweller

Up there at the top of the tree when it comes to Jewellers is founding Good Bastard member Alan Kerr.

Now Al was coming home real late one night from a secret Good Bastards Meeting. He was hoping Ruth would be asleep as it was so bloody late, then bloody hell, the pride and joy cuckoo clock starts going off.

It was three am and when Cun the Cuckoo pulled his beak in after three cuckoos, Al got real creative and cuckooed nine more times so Ruth who may be listening would think it was midnight.

Next morning Ruth asks him, "What time did you get home.?"

"Oh about midnight." Al replied quite casually, head banging away like a lister diesel because he hadn’t been drinking Good Bastards Beer the night before.

"Well you better take the cuckoo clock into get fixed." Ruth advised.

"Why, seems all right to me."

"Well last night it cuckooed three times then said shit, cuckooed four times, stopped, farted, then cuckooed three more times, stopped, coughed and cuckooed twice more."

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

Rugby World Cup

Well the big boys have handed down their decision on the hosting of the World Cup. I have followed the path of all this with interest as I’m sure many of you have. I have felt that there must be ulterior motives somewhere in the middle of all this.

Why was this mooted in the first place? What was the NZRFU logic in wanting to be co-hosts of a minor nature?

Surely NZ is capable of being a host by themselves in the first place? If in the event of co-hosting one would have thought that it should indeed be Australia as the minor in all of this? After all NZ is a far more passionate Union country. At best, Union rates third in Australia as far as the codes are concerned.

Maybe this is why the NZRFU and other party’s acted so bloody minded in the lead up to the decision.

Then there was NZ’s opposition to Australia and South Africa’s having one more team and making it the super 14’s. They effectively canned the proposition.

Now the gos is that NZ are likely to loose one team and Australia gain another. Is this just a matter of payback from the ARU?

All in all, the secret society that exists in each country that runs Rugby have to come clean and let the fans, the ones that ultimately pay the bills, know what the hell is going on.

They sure as hell don’t at the moment.

And one final thing, from the first of June, the bastards have now put a ban on having the little plastic witches hat that are used to hold the ball when you kick off or in a penalty goal or conversion kick. "Just another wombat at the top of tree putting his signature on how he changed Rugby before he chuffs to the retirement home or does a frog impression. (Croaks)" That’s what Hooter reckons. He also reckons, "The only way you get on the world board is to have all your bingo balls still in the swirling barrel and the outlet welded over. In other words be a useless bastard of a thing."

How long will it be before they ban the bloody ball!

Last word from Paddy

You all know I am not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to school learning. To give you a bit of an idea as to what was written on my report cards, I have included a sample here.

Since my last report this student has hit rock bottom and then started to dig.

Should this student ever grow up, he should not be allowed to breed.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, the bells are clanging, but there is no train on the track.

It is impossible to believe that the sperm that created this person could have beat a million others.

Your son sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

This student may well have the full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

If your child was any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

The wheel is turning, but the guinea pig is gone.

The best job your son can ever hope for is that of a village idiot.

The problem is now that I have left school, I can’t even get a start as an apprentice village idiot. Bloody Leo has it all tied up.

One thing I did learn though, is that we shed our skin every 27 days. That’s over 1000 skins over the average lifetime. However, that’s not the case with your arsehole, its skin lasts forever.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This weeks wacky site

Looking for somewhere else to surf to: go to www.fark.com

See you back here next week for the next edition