Monday the 15th of April 2002                        No. 28

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

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Thought for the day
It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than lose the one you love because of your pride

This years Good Bastards Day is shaping up as a big one with many new events being planned. Phil Routhan and Kim Wicksteed have been appointed as VIP co-ordinators.

They have lined up Garry Moore, the Mayor of Christchurch, along with Damien O’Connor, the MP for the West Coast region. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if they had a few others along as well.

We will also be having at least one world record attempt along with some interesting music, heaps of Good Bastards awards, dozens of prizes and of course the Good Bastards Golf classic.

It is on the first Tuesday of November. This year it is the 5^th of November, the same day as the Melbourne cup. We are thinking of renaming it to the "The Good Bastards Cup"

The Good Bastards Golf Masters will be on in the morning. It is an Ambrose tournament with a small entry fee. The winner, second and third couples scoop the pool and must invest the money on the Melbourne Cup.

We are interested in hearing from other Golf Clubs or individuals interested in running a feeder tournament to the big event. paddy@goodbastards.com

Getus a beer before it starts

P F Condon arrives home from work and says to Linda, getus a beer before it starts.

Linda gets him a beer before it starts.

After a while he says get me another beer before it starts.

Linda obliges and PF says "And getus the paper before it starts.

She gets him the paper.

"Now get us me bloody tea before it starts," he demands.

Linda responds, "Its about time you did something for yourself around here you demanding bastard.

P F Condon: "It’s started."

Little Paddy

Little Paddy arrives home and makes this announcement.

"I, little paddy, want it known on this day that I made a complete an’ utter fool of myself at the sex education class at school.

I did this by relaying certain stories relayed to me by certain members of this household about bloody storks."

The new dress

The bride to be came home in tears and relayed to her mother that the grooms mother had just bought the same expensive dress that she had bought to wear at her daughters wedding.

The mother wasn’t concerned. She just said don’t worry; I’ll just go out and buy another one.

But what will you do with the other one. How will you get your moneys worth out of that?

Don’t worry dear; I will just wear that to the rehearsal.

Good Bastard Evan Bichfield sent this one in

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,

"What is a bastard?"

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Gary and Gloria McGill

Gary, more commonly known as Goog, and Gloria run a Good Bastards pub at Kokatahi inland from Hokitika about 15 minutes drive (depends on hoe thirsty you are).

They have promoted the hell out of Good Bastards Day in their area and always turn up with a good muster from within their clientele.

They do this every year at expense to there own custom. Now if that isn’t a Good Bastard act I don’t know what is.

This Good Bastards pub is appropriately called the Kokatahi Hotel and was the second pub on the planet to stock Good Bastards Beer.

They have a great restaurant and the pub is rich in history. It even gets a mention in the Good Bastards book where one or two of us use to be able to get a drink before we maybe should have about forty years ago.

Goog and Gloria are great Hosts and you can while away an afternoon into the next morning there no trouble at all. Goog can weave a story that will have you engrossed in the very fabric of what Good Bastards is all about.

For visitors to the area, a drive out to Lake Kaniere is a must, then continue the beautiful scenic drive around the lake and into the lush Kokatahi valley and you will find yourself right outside this wonderful establishment, just in time to partake in a cleansing Good Bastards Ale of your choosing.

Mike Conners, Lank Grenole and Goog McGill

Yep, Gloria and Goog are one of my favourite publicans, you should make em yours too.
Sorry haven’t a photo of Gloria to include.

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

Katie and Pam

Pam: "I wish I could stop Paddy from chewing his toe nails.

Katie: I had that problem with bloody Leo, but I fixed the bastard.

Pam: What did you do?

Katie: "I hid his teeth."

good one from Good Bastard Steve Bennett

One day a man and a woman were having an argument about who enjoyed sex the most.

"Men do," the bloke argued. "Why do you think we are so obsessed with getting laid!"

The woman couldn’t agree. "I will prove it to you." she said

"Ok," the bloke replied.

"If you stick your finger in your ear and wiggle it around, then pull it out. What feels better, the finger or the ear?"

Little Paddy

Teacher: If I had 4 apples and I asked you for one, how many would you have left?

Paddy: Four.

Teacher: How do you figure that out?

Paddy: Coz I think you’re an arsehole.

$50
for the best gag of the month
the winner is

Bloody Leo, no it's not rigged, he just happened to send in the best gag, some sort of an attempt I think at getting at me for taking the piss out of him on a fairly regular basis.

From Bloody Leo

As most people who have read the Good Bastards book will realise Paddy was not too keen on the old learning things at school.

One particular day the teacher was having a real tough time trying to get the concept of mathematics and in particular subtraction, across to Pat.

Finally she said, "Patrick if there were ten pigeons sitting in that big rata tree in your back yard and you shot one of them, how many would be left"?

Quick as a flash Paddy says "None Miss".

"Sweeney you thick South Westland prick, how do you work that out?"

"Well Miss, if I shot one the rest would immediately fly away and there would be none left".

"Yes Patrick" was the grudging response, "That is not the correct answer but I like the way you are thinking. Technically the answer is 9 but I do like the way you are thinking."

Paddy says, "Miss here is one for you. If there were three women eating icecreams outside my mothers shop and one was biting it, one was licking it and the third was sucking it, which one is the married women?"

"I don't really know" says Miss, "I'll say the one who was sucking it."

"Wrong says Sween, "It's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I do like the way you're thinking."

Good one Mac, God knows the origin of that one.

Winner of the ten six packs of beer

The competition for who ever introduced the most people into The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards up until the end of March, is about to be announced. We have had entries coming in thick and fast and I just haven’t had a chance to collate them all and find out who is the winner.

Don’t panic it’s happening.

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

My other business; the one that pays all the bills, Stain Busters Cleaning Systems has just had its annual conference this weekend at Paradise Springs on the Gold Coast.

We had a great time, plenty of good fun good information and camaraderie. A lot of new ideas and innovations were introduced. We had an exceptional program over the two days and I would have to say, "The 2002 Stain Busters Conference was the best ever"

The awards for 2001 were handed out and the big ones went to;

The Currans have had an exceptional year and won the award for their high production, excellent infrastructures, contribution to the ongoing development of the system and their application of what has been proven to work. They have a goal to be the first Franchise Owners to do over $1 000 000.00 worth of carpets in a year and they are well on the way to achieving that objective. Last week they broke one of our world records with a single job of over $12 000.00.

Roger joined us as a contractor in 1996 and with Rhonda has gone from humble beginnings to quite magnificent achievement and still much more to come.

Don and Shirley joined us 21 months ago and have virtually trebled the production of the existing business. They have the contract to clean over 1000 houses for the defence forces in their territory. They clean most of the banks in their hometown of Toowoomba and have an ever-increasing base of residential clients.

When the Hoopers joined us I had a very strong feeling that they would go onto to achieve great things. This is only the beginning.

Steve has been with us as a contractor since 1994. He consistently gets recognitions from the large client base he services. His property managers can’t speak highly enough of him, and as far as stain removal is concerned, he could get the spots off a Dalmatian dog. Stain Removal is but one of many advantages we have over our opposition. It is one the Steve is exceptionally good at.

Mark has a giant following of loyal clients. Every day ladies are ringing up saying send my Mark around, no one else will do. He is obliging in all that he does and is always going the extra mile. A hard and dedicated worker he has long ago earned the respect of the entire team.

Jayne runs our call centre and has an uncanny knack of being able to keep every one happy with her excellent skills of getting jobs scheduled in the best possible way and being everyone’s best friend. A job that is not always easy given the huge volume of work that flows in every day.

We had nine great speakers and all involved in the event have the most amazing futures to look forward to.

If your looking for a business opportunity that stacks up and can give a substantially higher potential return than a McDonalds for dollars invested and a helluva lot less of an outlay, then click here or send me an email paddy@equitylicensing.com requesting more information.

Mary

The phone rang and Mary picks it up and a girl friend she hasn’t seen for years says:

"Seven and half pounds."

"Boy or a girl?"

"Neither, diet."

The revival

The Catholics, the C of E’s and the Baptists decided to hold a big joint revival meeting and see if they could drum up a bit of new business.

After it was over, the vicar from the C of E advised it was a great success as they had gained four new families.

The pastor from the Baptists mob announced that his was even more successful. They had gained six new families.

Father Paddy from the Micks said it was a boomer for him. The Dooley’s had got rid of the ten biggest troublemaking families in the parish.

Tarzan

Tarzan come home one day just in time to see a crocodile snatch one of his 27 kids off the river bank.

"Did you see that?" he asks Jane.

Jane is not a bit perturbed and replies, "Don’t worry about it, just come to bed and we will make another one."

The next night, the same thing happens and he says to Jane, "Geez, Jane did you see that?"

"Don’t worry dear come to bed and we will make another one."

"Stuff that," replies a defiant Tarzan, "I’m bloody sure I’m not working all day and shagging all night, just to feed the bloody crocodiles."

Last word from Paddy

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some. You know it’s getting harder to support the government each year in the manner they have grown accustom. Especially now that I’m having an out of money experience.

You know in just two days tomorrow will be yesterday!!!!!!! Riveting stuff.

I bought this bloody kitset rocking horse for my little grand son Finn off the Internet. It came in 189 bits and was supposed to be able to be assembled in one hour. Well it took two days. So I sent these bastards the cheque and I cut it up into 189 bits.

If ignorance is bliss then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whaddoyacallit.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen. No bastard ever died laughing.

P.S. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

P.P.S. Not sure if Bloody Leo enjoys his.

It’s a bit rude so I have hidden it down here where no bastard will find it.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo, Paddy and Hutch went to a strip club. The stripper came up and wobbled her boobs at Paddy and he tucked $20.00 in her panties. She then went up to Hutch and waved these magnificent mammaries in Hutch’s moosh, so he tucked in a further $50 00 into her knickers.

She then went up to bloody Leo and did the wobble of all mother wobbles in front of him. Leo grabbed his wallet, took out his credit card, wiped her crack with it, took the $70.00 and went home.

See you back here next week for the next edition