Monday the 8th of April 2002                        No. 27

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

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Thought for the day
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation

Good Bastards to Throw Hat In Ring
as Beer Supplier for
Hokitika Wild Food Festival

The Hokitika Wild Foods festival is a premier event that attracted 20,517 people this year. Monteiths Brewery has supplied the beer for the last 7 years. This year it involved 380 kegs (18,880 litres)

When they shifted the brewery to the North Island they incurred the wroth of many. Mike Keenan, Wildfoods co-ordinator and his team being among those on the top of the list.

Other National Brewer Speights tabled a far better sponsorship deal and it was rejected as a show of loyalty for the threatened Greymouth Monteiths Brewery and the idea of keeping jobs on the coast.

It didn’t count for much as the powers that be of the Asian owned brewery marched straight of town and up north.

After much lobbying and political intervention a much-reduced brewery returned to the Coast.

The damaged had been done and the three major breweries will likely hotly contend the new contract for supply.

Well now the three Goliaths will have a David to contend with.

Four months ago when the beer first hit the shelves commercially (It was only avaialable at the Southland Hotel Hokitika prior to Mid December.) Good Bastards were not in a position to consider the possibility given our capacity.

Now with National distribution being achieved with the major chains and orders going begging in the UK and Australia, the brewery is undertaking a tripling in size.

This now makes it possible for us to be in the hunt for this prestigious event.

There is still a long way to go, but if there is anything a Good Bastard enjoys it is a challenge. We will keep you posted as things unfold.

Hutch’s blood test

Hutch had a blood test done recently to see if he should build a new workshop. The nurse pricked his finger for a sample of blood. After she had secured the sample she looked around to find a piece of cotton wool to remove the blood only to discover they had run out. She looked at Hutch and could see that he was a good bastard, so she sucked his finger.

Hutch thought this was a great idea and asked, "You couldn’t do a urine test could you."

Country and Western Songs

Country and Western songs are bigger than ever, geez they come up with some great song titles, here is the current hit parade

Her teeth were stained but her heart was pure

How can I miss you if you wont go away

I keep forgetting I can’t forget you

The guy I sold my car to was the guy who stole my gal, the car is not a goer so I reckon we got an even deal.

I’m so miserable without you it’s like having you here

I liked you better before I knew you so well

I wouldn’t take her to a dogfight, as I’m afraid she would win

If I hadda shot you when I wanted too, I’d be out by now

If the phone don’t ring, you’ll know it’s me

You’re the reason why our kids are so ugly

Take your tongue out of my mouth, I’m kissing you goodbye.

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

Bloody Leo

Paddy: Smart bastards those Japanese.

Bloody Leo: Do you know why?

Paddy: Nope.

Bloody Leo: No blondes, ya blonde headed bastard.

Little Paddy

Little Paddy’s parents were out of town and so they got the sweet young teacher in to stay the night.

Little Paddy: "Gee miss I get so scared when mum and dad are away, can I sleep with you?’

Teacher: "Of course you can Paddy."

They head off to bed and the teacher is soon fast asleep. When she wakes in the morning there is no sign of little Paddy, just a big hairy man in bed with her.

"Good grief." Shouts Mary trying to compose herself. "What happened to little Paddy?

"Little Paddy!!!, oh you mean the kid who was down the pub selling the tickets.."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Alan Absalom

The man behind the Good Bastards Brewery is Alan Absalom. Alan started the brewery several years ago and as a result of a referral from Monteiths when I approached them about a Good Bastards Beer (They didn’t want to know about it) contact was made.

All we wanted was to have a beer with our own label for Good Bastards Day. Alan already had a very successful brand with his totally organic beer Green Fern. The brewery is called Miners Brewery and its situated in the heart of the town in Westport. Right behind the town clock. For beer orders phone 03 789 8119 Alan advised us that he had two beer recipes that would be suitable for what we wanted. So to sort out which one a series of beer tastings were organised in the North Island and in the South Island. The problem was that both beers were so bloody good that the vote was split evenly down the middle. So it was decided to run with both the Lager and the Dark.

Then every bastard started to hear about it through the TV, Radio and Newspapers coverage of GOOD BASTARDS DAY and wanted to try it.

Well the rest is History in the making. The beer is penetrating into the market place with new outlets coming on stream every week. Over 40 new ones last week alone.

So heres to you Alan, not only is your beer a Good Bastard, so are you. There is no disputing that.

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

The new building

The priest got up in the pulpit at mass and announced.

"I have the good news and the bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to build the new church! The bad news is that it's still out there in your pockets."

Chatting up sheilas

At a very recent Good Bastards secret business meeting, the above subject came up and received some very vigorous discussion. Here are a few tips for those that might be just starting out on such a mission. The big tip is to be able to recognise when you are wasting your time.

You get to the door and she has a very bad attitude, looks down her nose at you and has a pepper spray in her hand.

The only time you have seen her smile recently was when the judge said "Would the defendant please rise

After thirty minutes of good hard blowing, she’s not fully inflated.

You’re standing on her front lawn for six hours in the nude with a sign hanging on silver chains from your nipples saying I LOVE YOU and you not even getting a sideways glance.

Your well-written cards and love letters come back stamped RETURN TO LOSER

You have enough restraining orders from her to wallpaper the Sistine Chapel.

How to tell what your baby is going to be

The women were at the prenatal class and discussing what they were going to have.

Natalie: I’m going to have a boy because last time we did it I was on top and we had a girl. This time I was on the bottom so it will be a boy.

Julie: Well if that’s the case I’m going to have a girl.

Just then Mary started crying.

"What’s the matter Mary?" They both asked.

"Boo hoo," She sobbed "If that’s the case, I’m going to have a litter of puppies"

Eileen Boyd reports in

A Yankee doodle dandy (doesn’t that name get your imagination going?) was tripping around Australia writing articles about churches and he goes into a church in Brisbane and sees a sign above a Gold phone that says ALL CALLS $10,000.

He asks why so dear? It’s a direct line to God he is told.

In Sydney another Gold Phone and the same sign ALL CALLS $10 000.

On enquiry he receives the same reply. It’s a direct line to God.

Same story in Adelaide, Perth, Hobart, Melbourne, Mount Isa Darwin, Alice Springs and Dragalogalong.

He arrives in Hokitika and goes to the Saint Mary’s Church and here is the same Gold Phone only it has a sign that says ALL CALLS 10 CENTS.

He asks how come the difference.

"Well from here it’s a local call."

O’Malley

O’Malley had been feeling a bit crook and so he went to the doctor who told him he had advanced cancer and only one month to live.

He went into the waiting room and told his son.

"We O’Malley’s celebrate the Good News and we celebrate the bad news. The doctor just told me I have advanced Cancer and only have one month to live so lets go and celebrate my inevitable passing to the other side."

His son, while upset, admired his dad’s attitude and off to the local for a few pints of the porter they both go.

After a while a few mates arrived and asked what they were celebrating.

"Well friends, you know us O’Malley’s celebrate the Good News and we celebrate the bad news. And we are here celebrating my soon to happen passing onto the other side. The doctor has told me I only have one month to live."

"Oh that’s terrible." They all chorused. "And pray tell what are you going to die of?"

"Aids." O’Malley replied.

They all commiserated then joined in the celebration. After they had gone the son asks. "Hey Dad. I thought you said you were dying of Cancer."

"Oh I am son, indeed I am. But I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I have gone."

The way it is with secrets

Rosy: Mary told me that you told her the secret that I told you not to tell her.

Shirl: Yes I did but I told her not to tell you that I had told her.

Rosy: Well you make sure you don’t tell her that I told you that I know.

Sixty Minutes

The Good Bastards Program is still scheduled for the 25^th of April at seven thirty PM.

You’ll see a number of Good Bastards in action and a few Good Bastards issues being debated. If you don’t know what an iridescent greenie is, you sure will shortly.

Have ye got no imagination at all

Roll up roll up roll up, you all have a bit of a story to tell and we want to hear it. IT CAN BE TRUE OR IT CAN BE BULLSHIT, you know a bit of fiction. We are looking for Good Bastards yarns and stories for entries into the Good Bastards Gold Nugget competition.

It can be about something that did happen, might happen, could’ve happened, would never happen or well you just never know.

Don’t waste time get writing and send your entry to goldnugget@goodbastards.com

The Two PF’s

P F Condon: What the bloody hell is Karaoke?

P F Sweeney: It is a combination of two things. People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing. You’ll fit in nicely.

What women believe

If a dog strays, it is because of lack of affection at home.

If a cat strays, it is because of lack of affection at home.

If a woman strays, it is because of lack of affection at home.

If a man strays, its because all men are scum.

This proves that the education system doesn’t work

Three blokes are going shares in building this new house. The quote is for $300,000 and if it comes in under that the builder has to refund the difference.

The three of them tip in $100,000 each.

The finished house cost $250 000.00 but the builder thinks fifty grand is too much to give back. So he keeps twenty thousand for himself and gives each of the three blokes $10,000.

This means that each have contributed $90,000.00 each. That adds up to $270,000. Plus the $20 000.00 the builder kept for himself it all adds up to $290,000.

What happened to the other $10,000 all you clever dicks?

Kidnapped

A couple had only been married for a week and the wife got kidnapped. Big hoo ha cops, news you know all that sort of bullshit.

Then the wife turns up at home. Her Husband asks, "What happened?"

"I was kidnapped by this raunchy bunch who had wild sex with me one after the other for a week."

"But you’ve only been gone for two days?"

"Don’t worry, I only popped in to get something to eat."

Little Paddy

The teacher asked the class for a sentence with beans in it.

Little Kevin: My mother cooks carrots potatoes and beans.

Little Jennifer: My father grows cabbages, pumpkins, peas and beans.

Little Paddy: We are all human beans.

Last word from Paddy

You know all this stuff they have been talking about on how to stop high jacking planes. Well I have it figured.

Muslim men are forbidden to look at Naked Women. So we make all the hosties on the airlines nude and then these bastards can’t get on the planes because they’re not allowed to look.

Not only that, all the businessmen and blokes like me would fly far more often just to see a bit of tit and bare arse.

The highjackers are curbed, the airlines flourish, and all us blokes are smiling. How good is all that!

Another thing that I just thought of, if they misspell a word in the dictionary, How will we know?

And one other thing, if a tennis player gets tennis elbow, does that mean a gynaecologist gets tunnel vision?

How is it possible to have a Civil War?

Do not knock on deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run like hell. He hates that.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

P.S. Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they will never cease to be amused

See you back here next week for the next edition