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Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland PRINT VERSION Thought for the day
Win a Year of That’s the equivalent of a pallet of beer. We announced this a few weeks ago and there is a bit about it under the button Get Free Stuff. It has been kept a bit quiet while I teed up a promotional campaign. We were going to announce the winner on Good Bastards day this year, but we have sped it up a bit and are promoting the hell out of it. You can get your official entry form from The Sunday News in the month of May. There will be weekly prizes as well. Send in your entry, (You must be over 18) Then listen to Nick and Rodge on THE ROCK every Friday morning when I ring up for a chat, and to announce the weekly winners. You can win Good Bastards Beer and the Good Bastards Book. So get your best gags ready and watch this space, check the Sunday Sun in May and listen to the ROCK FM. 60 Minutes Well, it’s in the can as they say, so tune in and see the end result. We had a ball over five days putting this special together and learnt you have to film a shit load of stuff just to get a few minutes of Television. Melanie had the task of extracting answers from myself and other Good Bastards while Keith the director and producer holed up with a good supply of Good Bastards Beer... Only kidding, the bastard should have got an Oscar. George and Frank were on cameras, lighting and sound. Geez, do those bastards know what they are doing. Schedule date 25th of April, which is of course is Anzac day, so tune to channel three New Zealand at 7.30 on that day (there‘s a slim chance it could be on the week before) What’s your dad do It was a new teacher, with a new class, in a new school, in a new year. Can’t get much bloody newer than that. She decided that she would go around the class and ask each one what their fathers did for a living. Little Mary: My dad’s a postman and he delivers letters from all over the world. Little Jake: My dad’s a mechanic and he fixes cars from all over the world. Little Leo: My dad’s a male striptease dancer in a gay cabaret. The teacher quickly changed the game and had them down to serious study in no time at all. Curious, when it came to the break, she called little Leo back into the class and asked him if it were true that his father was a male stripper in a gay cabaret. Little Leo: Well, no miss, it’s not true. He actually plays for the Auckland Blues and I was too embarrassed to say. (Sorry Hyndsie, couldn’t help meself) Pious Bastard Pious went to the doctor to find out what his chances were for him to live to be a hundred. Doctor: "Do you drink smoke or chase around after wild women?" Pious: "Well, I don’t drink, I can’t remember gambling and I have never chased wild women. Doctor: Well, why the bloody hell would you ever want to live to be a hundred. The $15 note Gus worked hard making all these counterfeit notes only to realise that instead of them being $5 bills they were $15. He was really pissed off and thought the only way he could get out of this was to try and pass them off somewhere where the folk weren’t too bright. So he headed for the North Shore of Auckland. He went into a corner store and asked if they could change a $15 note for him. The bloke behind the counter says; sure, what would you like a 6 and a 7 or 2 6’s and a 3? Give me a break A man was charged with bigamy for being married to 17 wives. When he got before the judge, the judge said; "good grief man, how could you do such a thing?" The bloke replied: "Give me a break, your worship. I was only trying to find a good one." Half-mast Paddy: What does it mean when the Post Office is flying its flag at half-mast? Bloody Leo: They’re hiring.
Getting the job A while ago Paddy applied for a job and after the interview went back to the pub to discuss the outcome with his Good Bastards mates. "How did it go Paddy?" "Well it was going really good, I thought I had it in the bag. Then she asked to see me testimonials. As soon as I dropped me daks, I knew I wasn’t going to get the job." Good Bastards Hall of Fame Peter and Elizabeth McCormack In the book Good Bastards I wrote the statement that Peter McCormack is the greatest man who ever lived. I meant it then and I mean it now. Peter had more influence on me as a boy than any other person. So if you don’t like the way I have turned out blame him. Peter and Elizabeth are now retired and live in Christchurch, it is always a great pleasure to catch up with them and hear stories about South Westland and particularly about my Dad and Mum. Peter spent most of his life as a mountain guide at the Franz Josef Glacier. He has walked literally thousands of miles of ice and mountains and as a boy in the school holidays he would let me tramp along some of his guided tours up the glacier. He would fill my mind with some of the wildest possibilities and I would live them out in various ways over the ensuing days. Oh, what great times they were. Peter, while never claiming the title or even knowing that he was, was also one of the best salesmen I have ever seen in action. Man could he sell the story about the Glacier and the Mountains. He even knew the names of all the mountains and used to teach me what they were. Didn’t do much good, I could never remember them. If a tourist would ask me what the names were, I would make them up. My names were better, Mount Condon, Mount Sweeney, even called one Mount Tony after my dog. Every boy needs a hero, Peter McCormack was mine, still is. The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Willie Teen Willie goes to the doctor and says, "Hey doc I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts; I touch my leg, it hurts; I touch my ear, it hurts; every where I touch, it hurts." Doc: Are you sure you’re not a natural blonde? Willie: No, why?" Doc: "Your finger is broken." Bloody Leo "Daddy, what’s telepathy." "It’s when two people think the same thing at the same time." "Like you and Mummy?" "No that’s not telepathy, that’s a bloody miracle." The Limp Two men are walking towards each other and both are dragging there right leg. As they pass one says to the other. "Vietnam 1969." The other says, "Dog shit 30 seconds ago." Head Line A man escapes from the mental asylum. The first woman he sees is a washerwoman hanging out the institutions washing. He flings her to the ground and has his way with her before running off into the forest. The next day the headlines in the paper are. NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS. Waste of time Little Johnny walks in and his mum and dad are hard at it with Mum on top. He bolts out of the room and Mum dismounts and goes to get him and explain things. "What were you doing asks little Johnny?" "Well you know that big tummy daddy has, well I have to get on top of him sometimes and flatten it back down." "You’re wasting your time, every time you go shopping, Mrs Brown from next door comes in and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."
Ohmygod A woman went onto Kerry Heveldt’s car yard and started looking at a near new Lexus. As she opened the door she lost her grip and a fart she had been bottling came out like the Concord going overhead. She look around and was embarrassed to see Kerry standing right beside her. She decided to ignore the issue of the fart and asked him, "What price is this car?" Kerry: Well, if you farted when you touched it, you’re going to shit yourself when you hear the price." Poor Bugger Did you hear about the Italian with the speech impediment! He broke his arm and now one is shorter than the other. Spelling Two men are in are a bar and one says, "I think it is spelt, WHOOOOMB." The other says "No I think it is spelt, WHOOOOMBTH." A waitress is passing and she says. "Silly buggers, it’s spelt, WOMB" "Well, what about that." One says to the other. "She’s heard an Elephant fart too." Signs outside a church Under the same management for over 2000 years Don’t wait for the Hearse to take you to the church The wages of sin is death, repent before payday God answers kneemail Remember this Half the people you know are below average. Support bacteria, they are the only culture many people have. The close arrest When I was in America, I was arrested by a very attractive young female officer. When she read me my rights, she said, "Anything you say will be held against you" so I said, "Tits" Last word from Paddy Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Good Bastards Beer all day. Did you know that Indonesia has a new National Anthem? Row, row, row your boat gently to Australia. Bloody Leo calls going to a different bar a holiday. He’s on holiday most of the time. Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. No bastard ever died laughing. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen. See you back here next week for the next edition | |||||
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Last Update 1 April 2002 |