Monday the 25th of March 2002                        No. 25

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

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Thought for the day
Woman can sleep with who ever they want.
Men sleep with who ever will let them.

Very Big News

60 Minutes to do a program on
GOOD BASTARDS

That’s right; while I’m currently back in Queensland I'm heading back to New Zealand on the 26^th to meet up with the Sixty Minutes team in Christchurch.

We are then heading over to the West Coast to film what is expected to be a lot of fun stuff. The program will be looking at a few issues that confront Good Bastards everywhere as well as the sort of things we get up to.

Can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. It is scheduled to be shown in NZ on channel three on the 4^th of April.

Will you marry me

There was this bit of a smooth bastard at a bit of a do and he sidled up to this not so good-looking sort and started chatting her up. He poured it on and after half an hour he proposed.

The lass, while a bit aghast was quite taken with the possibility, she didn’t receive much attention from males and queried him further. "You have only known me thirty minutes and you want to marry me, isn’t that a bit short of a time.

"Oh no, I have known you for over five years."

"Five years!!!!!!!"

"Yes, that’s how long our bank has been looking after your father’s bank account."

Bloody David

This bloke from the social welfare was interviewing a lady who had ten kids all called David.

"Why are they all called David?"

"My Dad was called David, so I named them all in his honour?

"What if you wanted to call them for dinner what would you do?"

"Simple, I just yell David and they all arrive."

"What if you want them to go to bed?"

"I just say David! Bed, and off they all go."

"What if you wanted just one of them?"

"Oh that’s easy, I just use their surname."

Einstein karked it

Einstein arrived at heaven and Saint Peter apologised and said.

"Sorry Einy, but we have had an influx of good bastards and you will have to share a room while we build more accommodation."

"No probs, Pete."

So Saint Peter proceeded to introduce him to his good bastards roommates.

"This person here has an IQ of 250."

"That’s good, states the Ein, "we can discuss advanced mathematics."

"This one has an IQ of 150."

"Good, we can discuss European ancient literature."

"And this one has an IQ of 50."

"Good, I will be able to discuss interest rates."

Little Paddy

At religious instruction Little Paddy was asked by the priest to draw a picture of Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus and the Donkey.

When he finished, the priest looked at it and said.

"Yes Paddy, very good, there is Josef leading the donkey with Mary and baby Jesus on its back. But what is this black dot?" asked the puzzled priest.

"That’s a flea."

"A flea! Why a flea?"

Well, God said to Joseph, take Mary and baby Jesus and flea."

Kerry Bloody Heveldt

Sorry to all who were trying to ring Kerry Heveldt and either get a great Good Bastards deal on buying or renting a car. I forgot to give you his phone number when we admitted him to the Good bastards Hall of fame last week.

You can’t do business with him and get the good deals if you haven’t got his phone number, now can you.

Bloody Leo

Leo and Katie were in a lift, and Katie was getting furious with Leo as he pressed up against this very good looking woman with a great grin on his face.

Just as the lift reached the ground floor, the woman spun around and whacked him across the moosh and said. "Don’t you dare squeeze my breast." She walked off in an almighty huff.

As they walked across the car park Bloody Leo said. "Don’t know what got into that woman, I never touched her breast."

"Of course you didn’t," grinned Katie. "I did."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Tim and Sue Teen

Tim and Sue were there at the beginning of Good Bastards and can always be relied upon to do stuff when it’s required.

They have three children and Tim is a painter and plaster while Sue works for an accountant.

A coupla stunned mullets

Sue Teen

Tim was a great football player and a formidable opponent if you crossed him. It didn’t take long for opposing players to learn that you played it fair and square with Tim or you copped the consequences. Never a man to start a stoush, but someone who could be generally relied upon to finish it.

Tim with Hair

Happy about something

Having said that, it must be acknowledged that was years ago when Tim was single.

Today he’s a sedate loving family man and well respected businessman around the district.

Good bloke to have on your side just the same.

Here's to you both. Coupla real Good Bastards.

Paddy, Billy Savage, Tim, Marian (Billy's Wife)

The Teacher

The teacher came back into the classroom only to find a most uncomplimentary drawing on the blackboard with the words; this is the teacher, under it.

The teacher was fuming and yelled "Who is responsible for this?"

"Probably your parents!" Replied little Paddy.

They got me, the bastards

And they are keeping quiet about it. But me mother up in heaven told me wot youse have done.

You see ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago in issue 19 under the bit about "Big night at the Southland," we all had a about a hundred Good Bastards (it so good we couldn’t get enough of it) and while I was away straining the spuds, the miserable bastards I was drinking with caught me for a beauty.

They filled up my bottle with some other bastard’s beer unbeknown to me and indirectly asked me what I thought of it. Well I was feeling no pain, taste buds had been lulled into a false sense of security, brain was on automatic, mouth was in gear and gathering momentum as we headed down the home straight for the night and I would have said something like ‘bloody beautiful, better than the dew off an angles wings’ or some other entirely congratulatory comment.

Then they all had a giggle among themselves and thought we will wheel this bastard out at some future time and embarrass the useless bastard.

Mmmmmmm, I wonder what I can do to get back at these mongrels, or have I already done it and its up to me to the wheeling out!!!!!!!!!!

The Miracle Spring

A blind man, a deaf man and a lame man went to the miracle spring and prayed for healing.

The blind man walked through the spring and on reaching the other side yelled. "I can see, I can see. Thank you Lord."

The deaf man waded in and came out the other side saying, Lord, Lord thank you for giving me my hearing."

The lame man drove his wheelchair in to the pool and wheeled himself up the bank and yelled. "Wow, look, new tyres."

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

Congratulations to all those Good Bastards that have joined up with our group. Fantastic, welcome aboard.

While we were going to charge a small fee to cover costs, that idea has been dumped entirely. It is FREE to join, now and ongoing, that means forever.

There is an emailing overdue to members, my fault entirely it hasn’t gone out. I apologize for that. Once I get a few matters sorted here like the trip to NZ and the Stain Busters annual conference, I will be appointing someone who will deal with the increasing load of work associated with this web site and we will get into stage two of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

I can assure you it is worth the wait, there are some great things planned.

We are basically there with our numbers to start sending the weekly news direct to people and only having the Weekly News index up on the site each week.

So get your finger out, sign up and get in the loop if you haven’t already.

The Job interview

Hooter was looking for a job and went into the local police station to apply for a job as a copper.

Mmmmmmm, said the sergeant, looking at Hooter with a bit of suspicion. "What does 1 and 1 equal?"

"11" replied Hooter.

Now the sergeant thought maybe he is not as dumb as he looks. So he tried another, "Name two days that start with T."

"Today and Tomorrow." Replies Hoots.

"Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The sergeant asked.

Hoots thinks about it for a while and then reluctantly had to say he didn’t know.

"Well," says the serge, "You head off home and think about it.

So Hooter heads off to the pub to see his mates.

"How did you get on?" They ask.

"Great," replied Hooter. "Got the job and they have already sent me out to solve a murder."

Little Paddy

Little Paddy goes to church with his mum and says, "Hey mum I have to have a piss."

Mum says, "Now that’s not nice to say that word in church. If you have to have a pee just use the word whisper."

Next week he goes to church only this time with his dad.

"Hey dad, I have to whisper."

"Okay son, do it in my ear."

The Atheist

Mary came home and said to her mum. "Fred just proposed to me, but he is an atheist, doesn’t even believe in Hell."

Mum replied. "Marry him anyway, between the two of us we will show him just how wrong he is."

Good Bastards Beer

We have made some major inroads to outlets around the New Zealand to make our beer available in virtually every nook and cranny by the end of June.

By jeepers we need to have it too to cover the advertising and promotion campaigns we have in place

Al, over at the brewery has been completing some major necessary production capabilities to ensure you can all keep supping.

We are about to start our campaign in the South Island to install Good Bastards Beer on tap. The first pub has agreed and will be announced shortly.

Now here is a bit of a secret. We will be making the good bastards beer over the bar cheaper than all other beers if you have a Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards Card. Now don’t tell too many other good bastards about it as we only have one pub sorted out at this stage. On the other hand if you have contacts in outlets that sell draught beer in the Westland Nelson Canterbury region let them in on the possibilities there. Shhhhhhhhhh, ya hear now.

Good Bastards Beer Available In Auckland

All the thirsty bastards that have been longing for a Good Bastards up in the big smoke can now do so.

Good Bastards Dark Ale and Good Bastards Lager is available at The Mill Liquor Save 186 Teirirangi Drive Manukau.

I think they have it in their other Auckland Store as well.

We will get it into other outlets as well once I can get a bit of a run at contacting them.

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

Awesome fat fact

If you aren’t on a diet now, you soon will be after you read this. For every ten kilos that you are overweight, you loose an inch off your penis.

That’s why gals like skinny guys.

One fat fella told me recently that he was a nutritional over achiever. That’s one way of looking at it I suppose.

He was a big bastard, he sat on the rowing machine at the gym and it sank.

Useless Bastard

The young yuppie started his new job in a large retail store.

"Your first job will be to sweep the floor." The manager told him.

"But I have a university degree."

"Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that. Here, give me the broom and I’ll show you how."

Paddy’s first job

On his first day on the job Paddy was called into the manager’s office. "What’s the meaning of this, when you were hired you said you had five years experience, and now I learn this is your first job. What is your explanation?"

Well, in your ad you said you wanted someone with imagination."

I’ll look after you miss

Paddy’s schoolwork wasn’t up to scratch, so the teacher asked what the problem was.

"I’m in love."

"With whom?" enquired the teacher.

"With you."

"Well Paddy don’t you see how silly that is! While I would like someone to share my life with, but I don’t want a child."

"That’s all right miss, I’ll use a rubber."

Paddy’s Business Minute

Enlist the aid of the WORLDS BEST for free

The two best ways of gaining new business are word of mouth and referrals. The reason: It costs very little to ensure that you get a constant flow of business from this source and it can literally explode the growth of your business.

As obvious as this is, most small businesses still miss a couple of key points and then wonder why their businesses flounder or at best stumble along.

To get either you have to "deserve" this repeat and referral business.

When I started cleaning carpets, I realized early that my standards of cleaning weren’t up to the level of some of the highly fastidious clients I was attracting.

I am just an ordinary bloke and try to work hard and do a good job. It didn’t take me long to discover that some people out there wanted something far greater than this. The carpets had to come back to pristine condition and all the stains removed if they were ever to use me again or recommend me to their friends.

While this isn’t rocket science, many of these stains at that time just couldn’t be removed. There just wasn’t anything anywhere that would do the really tough jobs. So I set about educating myself in the area of surfactant chemistry and got lucky uncovering formulas that could do amazing things. Soon I was able to remove stains that none of our competitors could.

The second thing that lead to our success was a little technique I started doing. I would finish a job and then look at it and say to myself: "What would the world’s best carpet cleaner say about this job?"

Now I knew that wasn’t me, however I reasoned I could put his/her hat on for the assessment and ask myself. "What would the world’s best carpet cleaner say about this job?" The answers soon told me what else I needed to do to impress the living crap out of my clients. A simple idea for a simple bloke and one that has seen the business grow and prosper here, and now continue to grow throughout the world.

What would the "World’s Best" in your industry say about what you deliver?

Get that right, and you are well on your way to building a magnificent enterprise.

Last word from Paddy

You know the problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk they’re sober. Then there are those that call themselves the abstainers; they are those weak folk who yield to the temptation of denying themselves pleasure. They then have to suffer the illusion of reality caused through lack of alcohol. They never find out that beauty lies in eyes of the beer holder.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin we go to heaven. Sooooo lets all get drunk and go to heaven.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. No one ever died laughing, so laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

P S : Kerry Heveldt’s phone number is 03 768 0379

See you back here next week for the next edition