Monday the 4th of March 2002                        No. 22

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland Australia.

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Thought for the day
An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle

I never said this, BUT

It has been reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory these same scientist fed 100 men 12 pints of beer per day and observed that 100% of them put on weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, couldn’t think and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned. They reckoned they proved their point.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo: Do you know how the waist got its name?

Paddy: No I don’t.

Bloody Leo: Anything below the boobs and above the pussy is a waste.

A big thanks to The Christchurch Press.

Good Bastards Beer received two great mentions in the Press last week. One in the West Coast Supplement, and another midweek by their beer writer who discovered Good Bastards Beer and enjoyed it. Thank you guys. That’s the eighth major article since Good Bastards Day.

$50 Winning Gag for February goes to Steve Bennett

Fifty bucks on its way to you Steve. There were a number of good entries however it was Steve’s Afghani gag that got over the line. Here it is.

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

Poor Bastard

The psychology professor was introducing to his class the subject of manic depression.

She posed the question: "How would you describe someone who walks back and forth flat out screaming their lungs out and then sits on a chair and weeps uncontrollably?"

Paddy: "A Super Twelve’s Coach."

When I was a Young Bastard

The teacher was asking for stories after the holidays as to what we had done. Hands shot up everywhere. She avoided me and asked little Caroline. "Oh we went over to Canterbury and had a grand time visiting our cousins."

She avoided me again and asked little Kevin. "Me and my dad went fishing out the lake and I caught a ten pound salmon." She went around everyone and avoided me, frighten of what I might say. Finally she relented after I had nearly shook my arm out of its socket and said "Ok Paddy what did you get up to over the holidays?"

"I went shooting with dad and we came across this huge stag and dad shot it fair up the arsehole."

The teacher not wanting to get too aggressive on the first day back at school said.

"You mean rectum, don’t you Paddy?"

"Rectum bloody oath it wrecked him, we shot the balls clean off the bastard."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Pat and Linda Condon

Those of you who have read the Good Bastards book, the larrikins guide to success, will be well familiar with Pat Condon. Pat has played a vital part in my life from as far back as I can remember.

Just Up......Whataroa Hilton	Linda Condon and Dexter

He too hails from the mighty Franz Josef and we went through Primary school together. We started off in the same class and then he stole a bit of a march when I failed standard one or year three in the other money. He was the clever bastard. The only reason for that was dumb bastards like me made it look that way.

The bastard has been in front of me ever since.

Pat at the controls of the Jet Boat	Get outta here ya rotten bastards

He was one of the wild ones until Linda stepped up to the mark and said "I’ll corral the bastard" At least that’s what I reckon she said.

Corral him she did and she has done a good job of bringing the frisky colt to heel.

Pat and Linda, until recently were beef farming down at Franz Josef Glacier and spent around thirty years being good citizens and farmers in that fair town.

Pat has been the catalyst in this whole Good Bastard thing. If it wasn’t for his and Mike Alford’s effort in building the Whataroa Hilton, the ideal blokes hut situated way out in the scrub with the only accessible by helicopter or jet boat, then this whole great saga would never have happened.

	Pat and Troy Weaver getting ready to catch a big one
	Pat and Mike Alford at Whataroa Hilton

So, if you want to blame some bastards; blame one Patrick Francis Condon. Named after me as I too am called Patrick Francis, only my parents decided first. That’s what I reckon anyway.

Apparently we were both named after a bloody bishop. Sends a shudder up me spine.

God know what it will be doing to the bishop, him knowing that these reprobates adorn his name. Still, on the brighter side, he must have been a larrikin with a name like that.

You get a snippet of what it is like down at "Our Hilton" by clicking on to the Photo Gallery button and seeing a few of the folk involved in our annual sojourn to this little slice of Godzone.

About 1992/3 Pat & Linda were on the Gold Coast and looked up Saint Pam and I for a few big nights on the piss where the secret hut was discussed in its secret location.

Geez it sounded great, there was no way he was going to keep me away from a visit the following year. Shit it was good.

I asked if I could bring a couple of mates the following year. "As long as they’re Good Bastards, don’t want any wankers coming down."

Well the two mates sure qualified as Good Bastards, Hyndsie and Kerbs feature in the book as well as regular mentions within the confines of this medium.

Like most of us Pat has an opinion on pretty much everything, an opinion that can sometimes be at odds with the establishment.

This makes for great debate, especially over a few Good Bastards Beers, which from now on will be the standard drink served at the Hilton.

Good Luck to you Pat and Linda from all the Good bastards in your new home in Nelson.

Win the 10 six packs

The 10 six pack competition for the one that introduces the most new members into the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is neck and neck between Steve Bennett and Joe Ellingham with three each. It has the rest of the month to go and anyone half serious about winning the free grog could come from a standing start and take off the prize. So get your mates and pals involved and get your name up into winner’s podium.

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

Mary’s Musings

Mary: I meet this University Student today.

May: Any future in a relationship?

Mary: I think so. I think I will pursue young blokes and then trade them in before they reach the Viagra stage.

A retired husband is like having a grand piano in the kitchen. It looks good but the damn thing keeps getting in the way.

Name Change

Due to all this politically correct bullshit, it has been decided to change the name wanker to "owner operator". This has been accelerated by the proliferation of owner operators within the parliament and iridescent green movement.

When I was a young bastard

The teacher was waffling on about all these foreigners and then asked us to write a comment on what she had been discussing.

So I wrote "All foreigners are bastards."

She looked at it, didn’t say a word, gave me a scowl though.

She then went on to exposé the virtues of the Greeks and their Philosophy, the English and their drama, Romans for their law, Germans and their music, the Italians and their poetry, Russians for their great novels and Africans for their amazing sculpture.

There was no doubt in my mind she was sticking right up me for my last comment. Pointing out all these clever bastard, as if I wouldn’t know what she was up too.

When she finished she asked us to write an essay. Given that I was on to her case that she was on to mine, I thought I better put some effort into it.

So I wrote "All foreigners are bastards although some foreigners are smart bastards.

Check out the New Zealand Sunday News this Sunday

Can’t tell you too much, but Good Bastards might just get a mention.

Before I was doing what ever the hell it is that I’m doing now

I applied for this job as a signalman with the railway. Geez they were tough on the interview. It went something like this:

Interviewer: If you had two trains coming down the track and they were both on the same line heading for each other what would you do?

Paddy: I would change tracks.

Interviewer: What if the power went off and you couldn’t?

Paddy: I would run down the track and change it manually.

Interviewer: What if the handle broke?

Paddy: I’d run back to the signal box and ring the next station and get them to change it:

Interviewer: What if the line had been hit by lightening?

Paddy: I would run up to the street and use the public phone.

Interviewer: What if the phone had been vandalized.

Paddy: I would go and get Bloody Leo.

Interviewer: What good would that do.

Paddy: He’s never seen a train crash.

Bill Condon hits Nelson

You will recall that about three weeks ago I called to see our patron Bill Condon in Hokitika. Bill has been a bit poorly of late and had not been well enough to get there and see Pat and Linda’s new House in Nelson.

I dropped him off some Good Bastards Dark Ale and told him that would get him right and in no time he would be in Nelson.

Well it looks as if the beer did the trick as Bill is in Nelson and enjoying the new house and the hospitality of his son.

Here's to you Bill.

The bastards

I am sure the ingredients to get into the hierarchy of a Rugby Union Executive is dementia with a fair lashing of insanity.

No Leo, that doesn’t mean I qualify.

Do you know what the stupid bastards have done now!!!!!!!!

They have outlawed "The John Eales Leap" You know where he jumped up and stopped the ball from going over the posts. Definitely one of the most spectacular things ever seen in a game of Rugby.

Even the most ardent opponent, once the initial frustration of losing had subsided, had to agree, it was a stroke of genius. I know that because I had to council a number of them.

Seems these owner operators don’t want the viewing and paying public to see such spectacular stuff. Nor do they want to gather a bigger fan base by squabbling over stuff all and not getting on with the business of supplying product to the fans.

I will stick my neck out and unequivocally say they are on a course of destroying the potential of great revenue as they start to open the door to other codes to disgruntled fans. The fourth team in Australia is a must.

Just like Leo McIntyre look alike Rupert Murdoch did with his massive dunny flush called Super League. Rugby gained enormous ground over that. Ground they are in danger of losing if indeed this scant regard of the needs of fans prevails.

You’ve heard of mad cow disease, well that’s mild compared to this epidemic called mad rugby official disease.

I suppose the problem is that we, the common committed punter, in someway allow these things to happen.

A mate, who has been much closer to this action than myself, told me that everyone that gets into the top echelons of Rugby administration have to leave their little stamp on what they did for Rugby Union. The only way many can do this is to stuff up something that’s working or kill something that will likely work without giving it a go. Its called Ego Feed.

Haven’t they heard of the old adage "If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!"

Can’t afford it

Mary: Quick, I’ve got to get to the doctor to get my birth control pills. I can’t afford to get pregnant.

Marge: I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy?

Mary: That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant.

Goon but not forgotten

Spike died this week. Spike Milligan that is for those poor buggers who are not Goon fans. Of course a silly bastard like me is a great fan of silliness. Spike could do it better than anyone else. And this apprentice Goon will sadly mourn his passing.

He is a legend for his pointed put downs and cutting quips. Here are a few to ponder:

I thought I would start by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, "why should I, he never read any of mine’

When I look back, my fondest memory was not really of the Goons. It was of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.

BLUEBOTTLE: What are you doing there Eccles?

ECCLES: Everybody has to be somewhere.

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I suppose that basically I am very talented. Although, I am not personally aware of that.

Are you going to come along quietly or do I have to use earplugs?

Heres to you Spike, you were a Good Bastard of the highest degree..

The Australian Governor General

Now this poor bastards is in more shit than Flash Gordon and rightfully so. The issue every bastard is overlooking here is not that he promoted a paedophile priest, rather that he allowed the dirty faggot to be in his team at all.

Maybe, just maybe, this sympathy that he has been radiated to his near and dear clergy, does indeed have foundations in the old GG’s own uncovered preferences, as is getting discussed at most locals these days. Who would know?

At the end of the day his naive defiance of these many matters has basically killed the office of GG. The republican movement can’t believe their luck.

Lets hope the President of Australia, wherever and whoever he or she may be, fares better when that office is eventually created.

I heard one bloke say the other day; ‘you can even take it the extreme that the royalists who are supporting his stand also indirectly support pedophiles in the ministry.’

As covered in the book Good Bastards, I had an encounter with a pedophile as a youth, and bastards that support them in any way, shape, manner or form are nothing but a piece of dog shit. Right now the Governor General of Australia is at the head of that list.

SACK THE BASTARD.

Paddy’s Business Minute

Continuing on from last week, we are covering money expended in Sales, Advertising and Marketing being an "Investment" as opposed to it being an expense. Last week we touched on a few aspects of the bad investment side of such an approach.

This week we will look at the essential elements of the "Good Investment" side of things.

The first essential is that you must keep a record of what brought the client to you. How come they chose to give you their custom?

Incidentally our definition of the difference between a customer and a client is; a customer is someone who chooses to do business with you once, and a client is someone who continues to choose you over your opposition. We will cover that in a future business minute.

In our core business, www.equitylicensing.com 96% of business comes through the phone, so it is a simple matter of asking. "As a matter for our records Mrs. Jones, which of our ads did you see that lead you to ring us?" We’ve never had one person in several hundred thousand calls not give us this information.

We have a couple of sayings that sum up the "Why" factor of this: "If you don’t keep score, you don’t intend to win." Also, "You can’t manage what you don’t measure."

Not keeping score in your business makes about as much sense of having a game of Rugby and not keeping score. You would say "How bloody stupid and pointless is this. How can we tell how we are going or who won." BUSINESS IS NO DIFFERENT.

Knowing where your business comes from is the only way you can measure whether your money invested is good or bad. It is the only practical way you can plan your profit in the future.

Next week we will look at the second essential.

Last word from Paddy

When I was a young bastard my dad promised me five quid if I could get an A on my report card. The report card came in and I advised dad the great news.

"I’ve got great news about the report card dad."

"Yes, what is it?"

"It’s the five quid. You can keep it."

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen. No bastard ever died of laughing.

Paddy

See you back here next week for the next edition