Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland Australia.

PRINT VERSION
For those wishing to print out the news. Click on Archives and you will find this edition as well as previous.
It is the best place to print from

Thought for the day
An optimist sees a challenge in every calamity. A pessimist sees a calamity in every challenge.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Where members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
are recognised for their efforts in making the organisation work

I first met Alan and Ruth Kerr in 1979 when I was promoting the American motivational speaker Earl Nightingale on a tour throughout New Zealand. We became good friends and it was at that time they introduced me to their friends John and Leonie Hynds. It was to be a friendship that endured and is even stronger today than it was back then.

John, Alan and I formed a business alliance helping one another figure out how to help one another in business. We met every fortnight with this specific objective in mind. It proved to be highly worthwhile process and one that we still continue today even though it is not quite as intense.

Geez we use to give each other curry if we hadn’t carried out our commitments. We still do for that matter.

Alan was at the very first Good Bastards Day when about ten of us had a few beers at the Southland Hotel. He has been dedicated to our cause of good humour, a good time and good matesmanship ever since.

He has contributed tremendously to the growth of Good Bastards and it definitely wouldn’t be the same without him.

He and Ruth head up a Franchise Network of Jewellery shops called Christies Jewellers throughout the North Island, no better place to buy a watch or a ring.

Ruth is a very special person in her own right. She is a modern day Florence Nightingale. A dynamic businesswoman, a fantastic mother and a devoted partner to Alan. (Not necessarily in that order.)

I am proud to say I know Ruthy and even prouder to say she is my friend.

Al and Mike Alford

Both Ruth and Alan are known for their affable personalities. All who know them would agree they are more than acquaintances; they sure are a treasure in our lives. Two bloody Good Bastards; there is no disputing that.

I doff my hat to you both, tilt a glass in your honour and always will.

When I was a young Bastard

School to me was something like a living hell, mainly because I thought I knew more than the teacher.

For example she asked me once if I had two pet possums and two more pet possums and two more pet possums at home how many would I have?

"Seven" I replied.

She tried again and the answer was still seven.

She then tried, "If you had two bottles of beer and two more bottles of beer and yet two more bottles of beer at home, how many would you have?"

"Twelve" I replied

Exasperated she tried again. "If you had six bikes at home, plus two more bikes and then another two bikes how many would you have?

"Six" I told her.

Frustrated she asked. "How come the answer is different with the pet possums and the bottles of beer?"

"Well I already have one pet possum and six bottles of beer at home."

Good Bastards Beer Hits Auckland

We have been getting a mountain of emails from Good Bastards fans in Auckland wanting to know when it will hit up there.

Well, this Tuesday should see it at two outlets of "THE MILL" So get your useless arse down there and start saving your own life by drinking the good beer.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo: I talk to everyone when I have had a gutful

Paddy: What does that make you?

Bloody Leo: Boozer Friendly.

Mary’s Musings

I’ve figured out why it is difficult to find blokes who are sensitive, caring and good looking. They already have boyfriends.

I’ve also been thinking what it would be like if men had PMS. The government would allocate funds to study it, cramps would become an acceptable reason for permanent disability and there would be a public holiday every 28 days.

And one final thing; what’s the difference between a toilet seat and Match of the Day?

Men never miss the Match of the Day.

How to handle the old headache excuse.

Next time you get that one dished up, simply say. "Well it’s a good job I’ve dusted my dick with paracetamol then."

It’s a real bastard

Curly was looking mournfully into his beer when Hooter came in and asked what was wrong.

"It’s my ten year old son, he’s got the next door neighbours wife pregnant."

"Geez, how the hell did he do that?"

"He poked a needle through the end of all my Condoms."

Panty Hose

How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose?

When she farts her ankles swell up.

Cruel Bastards

The Family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn where activities for her 100^th birthday were taking place. She couldn’t talk these days, but she could write notes on her little slate. This was her main means of communication.

After a short time on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right.

The family quickly straightened her up and stuffed a pillow done her right side.

A while after that she started leaning to the left. They grabbed her again and stuffed a pillow down the left side of her chair.

Soon she started leaning forward, so they hurriedly tied a rope around her waist to stop her falling out.

Just then a nephew arrived late and came running up and said. Hi Grandma, your looking well, how have you been?

Grandma looked up him, took a hold of her slate and wrote. "Things are good, except they won’t let me fart."

The fifty bucks for best gag in February

Well its all but there. Have you got yours in yet? Joke that is. Entries close on Thursday the 28^th and there is no clear winner yet. So you still have a few days to get your best one in. At this stage it is open to everyone, you don’t have to be a member, even though you bloody well should be. Do both, send the gag and join.

THE FREE "The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards"

Members are flowing in from around the world; still a few Good Bastards are procrastinating on getting behind the concept. IT’S FREE and with the great flow of new members we intend to keep it that way.

The most interesting thing is just how far around the world this thing is creeping. Good stuff, it will be interesting how far we have spread and how many members we have this time next year.

Now is as good as time as any if you haven’t fill out the form. Check the button on the left hand side of the page entitled "The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards" and check the free stuff and benefits you get and that’s only the beginning.

Now here is the form to fill out
to become a member of THE MOST RECENT OF GOOD BASTARDS.

Bloody Cricket

I had an email from one of American Members asking me to explain a bit about how this pommy invention called cricket works. Here goes.

In the game of cricket you have two sides, one out one in.

Each man that’s on the side that’s in goes out, when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes out until he is out and then he comes in.

When they are all out, the side that’s been out in the field comes in and the side that’s been in goes out.

It then try’s to get those coming in out, including not outs, while staying out themselves, then after the innings have been bowled out, that’s the end of the game.

Hope that cleared it up for you.

I’m not dead

Last Tuesday I had a phone call from an old mate to see if I was still alive. An old adversity and debtor of mine was ringing him up from Sydney to check, having heard that there was a death notice in Brisbane’s Courier Mail for a Patrick Sweeney.

Firstly our sincere condolence to the family of the late Patrick, whom I didn’t know. This is in no way is intended to take away the dignity of the man and the great person he would have to have been with a name like that.

Anyway. It wasn’t me and the person making the enquiry from Sydney still owes me $480,000.00. I haven’t died and not likely too for a bloody long time yet and the money is still owing.

When I do die

Last week I was the Guest speaker at the Nerang Rotary Club and I met a great bunch of Good Bastards there.

One of them was Phil Connelly and not only that still is Phil Connelly. Now Phil proved his worth as a Good Bastard when he donated to me for giving the talk, a free cremation for when I die. I sure as hell am not going in to claim it before then Phil.

Phil is in charge at New Haven Funerals on the Gold Coast. I was going to say has the matches, but that could be considered in bad taste so better withdraw that.

Phil, any chance of transferring it to the bloke who owes me the $480,000.00?

Heveldt Turned Sixty

Sixty percent of the way to a ton. Happy Birthday for the 23^rd Kerry. A big stir was held at the Body Town home of the Motor Mogul. Michael Finch brought along a couple of wild pigs from Blenheim, Lank Grenole bought along a swag of Venison and others bought a great selection of tucker as well.

Goog McGill from that mighty establishment "The Kokatahi Hotel" organised the grog including a healthy amount of Good Bastards Beer. I should say unhealthy to all those poor bastards that drank the other crap with the chemicals, preservatives, added sugar and food colouring. I have not one ounce of sympathy for their banging heads, runny noses and shrivelled livers. Not forgetting the extra capillaries they picked up on their snozes and shortened life spans. May be we should have a capillary counting contest at the Good Bastards day and give some decent grog to the one with the worse snoring organ. Geez, I can see you ducking for cover already.

It was all held in the new shed. "Man’s gotta have a good shed." Was heard to be said a few times.

How many were actually there, I’m not sure. The bloke who answered the phone said 500, Heveldt said 300 and then someone else said 200. But hey whose worrying, every bastard that was there had a great time.

They had three BBQ’s, that is three different cook ups throughout the day and night. All the food was consumed and was well lubricated and well rejoiced. They even had a Jazz Band blowing their bums out.

The best present was son Markus turning up from London for the event as a surprise guest. Markus is a Good Bastard. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

The story, among many others, was told about Kerry’s old wooden boat he bought many years ago, like about 35. Brother Gus and Honk Frietas were at the launching. Apparently Honk asked Kerry if he knew what he was doing. "Yep" says Kerry as he gives the cord an almighty pull. Those outboard motors don’t go very well when they are lying at the bottom of the lake.

"Are you sure you know what you’re doing?" asked Honk again.

Chinese phrase book

Long time Good Bastard John Gibb, who hasn’t filled out his membership yet, sent in this little ripper that came in handy for him and Sue on their recent trip to China.

That’s not right. Sum Ting Wong

Are you are harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding.

See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao.

Fall off your bike Ross? Wai Yu Yal Fu Kin Bar Stud So Ma Che

Stupid Man. Dum Gai.

Small Horse. Tai Nee Po Ni.

Have you been up to Motueka again Tim ? Wai Yu So Tan hon fee ti him.

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Ban Mai Nee.

I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat.

It’s very dark in here. Wao So Dim.

I thought you were on a diet Hyndsie? Wai Yu Mun Ching Hy chee.

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Our meeting is next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo.

He’s cleaning his car. Wa Shing Ka.

Your body odour is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu.

In a bad mood bloody Leo. Wai yu gum pee bud dee lee ho

Great. Fu Kin Su Pah

Answers!

Plumly: I once had all the answers.

Paddy: What happened?

Plumly: People started asking the wrong questions.

Status

Two guys and a woman were at the bar talking about themselves.

First Guy: "I’m a Yuppie, you know, Young Urban Professional Person.

Second Guy: I’m a dink, you know, Double Income No Kids.

They turned to the woman and asked her.

Woman: I’m a wife, you know, Wash Iron F*** Etc.

Paddy’s Schedule

6^th of March: Heading to Auckland. Good Bastards and Stain Busters Work.

7^th of March: Heading for Christchurch, Some Stain Busters Work.

8^th of March: Heading for Hokitika

8^th of March: Food Festivals Markets selling the book.

8^th of March: Later, Secret Good Bastards Meeting at Southland Hotel

9^th of March: Wild Food Festival. Big Event, you should be there.

9^th of March: All things being equal the Good Bastards Bar will be operating in the car park at the back of the Southland from 4pm until late.

10^th of March: Hokitika Races and Secret Good Bastards Meeting.

11^th of March: Heading to Lake Maporika to catch some land locked salmon with Hutch and the Black Cat

11^th of March: Secret Good Bastards Meeting at undisclosed location to discuss the catch of the day and other critical issues.

12^th of March: More of the day before. Secret Good Bastards Meeting at undisclosed location to discuss stuff of international importance.

13^th of March: Round out the expedition with a few more fish in the creel.

13^th of March: Important Secret Good Bastards Meeting a Goog McGill’s Kokatahi Hotel.

14^th March: Head for Christchurch. Lay Day.

15^th of March: Making contact with Good Bastards selling heaps of Good Bastards Beer.

16^th/17^th March: Brews Blues and BBQ’s in Hagley Park. Good Bastards beer attracting more fans.

18^th March: Recharging batteries

19^th March: Good Bastards/Stain Busters Work.

20^th March: Head for Aussie and a lay week.

21^st March: Sleeping.

Viagra

Tim: You can buy Viagra over the counter at the pharmacy if you ask for it by its correct name.

Paddy: What’s that?

Tim: Mycoxaflopin.

Hyndsie rang

Hyndsie rang to tell me that a new survey has linked obesity to religion and watching television.

And here was me thinking all along it had something to do with food.

Invisible Man

I again went to see this bastard the other day that owes me a few bob. Every time I had been previously his secretary told me he couldn’t see me.

So this time I told her. "Just tell him the invisible man is here to see him"

Who wants to be a millionaire?

On the TV show ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ this lady was down to the last question to win the million. It was; which bird doesn’t build nests? The four options were: Magpie, Eagle, Dove, and Cuckoo.

She doesn’t know, so having the ‘phone a friend option’ still left, Eddie phones her blonde mate and sets up the question. The blonde immediately says "Cuckoo"

She wins the million and a short while later she is out with her blonde mate and asks her. "How did you know that Cuckoos don’t build nests?"

"I thought everyone knew that Cuckoo’s don’t build nests. They all live in clocks!"

Sex Symbol

Well wouldn’t you bloody know it? Bloody Leo is getting a fan club. We received a membership registration from Australia from a Good Bastard and where it says "What do you like the most about the organisation?" She put ‘Undoubtly Leos eyebrows"

Mmmmmmm, still got it you old bastard huh? Some people have all the luck.

Wild Foods Festival

It’s here again. Mike Keenan and his team have put together a fantastic event. You can learn more by clicking here A crowd of 18,000 plus is expected to swell the town, which has a population of around 3000. The Wild Food Festival is not just an event, it is an experience and one you should be part of.

Rugby Racing and Beer

The folk from this great web site have joined up with "The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards" They have a great site which you can check out by clicking on: www.rugbyracingbeer.com check it out.

Paddy’s Business Minute

Having been in business for over thirty years I have stumbled over a few ideas and approaches to business that can make it that little bit easier to make ends meet before some bastard shifts them.

From time to time some of these ideas will be posted in the news. Some folk in business might find something useful among them.

Our core business is carpet cleaning, where we have 29 territories covered by our Franchise System in Australia and are shortly commencing in New Zealand and the UK. www.equitylicensing.com

Working with a number of Franchise Owners within a systemised operation we tend to encounter most problems that can happen and are looked to be part of the solution.

Many folk in business view advertising and marketing as an expense and as such can become quite resentful towards the money involved. Many Accountants are by far the worse perpetrators of this belief, especially when expenditure has to be cut. That sort of thing makes as much sense as cutting the air supply to a deep-sea diver.

All money spent on advertising, sales and marketing should be viewed as an investment not an expense. Having said that, it is fully acknowledged there are a lot of absolutely useless ideas out there, many offered by people of dubious character.

We have found these range from advertising in many magazines, some internet schemes, multiple direct mail offers and a host of others things that flat out don’t work.

These could only be deemed as "Bad Investments" and there seems to be hundreds of them around.

Next week we will look at what are some of the "Good Investments" when it comes to sales and marketing.

Nora J

Currently in a place called Goa, which is a name that begs comment, but I will refrain until I get the official version from that end of town.

The three, well tanned mariners, including Captain Paul with his Arafat hat, (apparently they look like three Arabs, or is it Indians!) met up with Paul’s nephew Hadleigh who is learning how to drive the super tanker the Maersk Atlantic. Hadleigh had her anchored up at Cochin in India. Which coincided with the Nora J making a drink stop.

No doubt more reports will filter through

Last word from Paddy

We are having this picks competition. It’s a hundred bucks in and the Grand Final Winner gets $800 and the runner up gets $400 There are still three spots left.

Its going to cost you NZ$100 and you can choose one of the following teams.

Cats, Sharks and Bulls.

All South African teams. It is their year and they have yet to make the finals. The late mail is at least one of their teams will.

The Cats won, the Bulls are the dark horses and the Sharks are whom many think the main danger, are all fair bets at this stage of proceedings.

This year, a lot of folk think they can be there. If your one of them, drop me an email and let me know that you want to be part of the program. There are only three spots left and it is on a first in best-dressed basis. paddy@goodbastards.com

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen. And not only that, there is no reported case of anyone dying while they were laughing.

Paddy

See you back here next week for the next edition