Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland Australia.

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Thought for the week
Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun,
I've never been able to make out the numbers.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Leo and Katie McIntyre

Well, well, well it’s time to wheel out a few home truths about Leo and Katie.

The pure facts of the matter are that Leo can be a grumpy bastard and Katie has to be a saint to put up with him. I’m sure she loves him dearly, as we all do, and enjoys his dry humour that travels just below his grumpiness.

Leo and Katie McIntyre

Now I’ve known Leo for about thirty years and I reckon Leo has everyone bluffed except me! You see he is not really a grumpy bastard at all. I’ve seen him growl at people over the littlest thing and then they scurry away out of sight to get out of the wroth of Bloody Leo.

In fact all those around him then give him a wide berth, except old Paddy. I’ve always been one to enjoy the storm from the bow of the boat. I sit there and watch him and the sly grin that cracks in front of his teeth and doesn’t quite slip through to the lips. And I think "Leo, you bloody bastard" (Hence my christening him Bloody Leo) and I have a smile to myself at how he has bluffed his way to maintain his quiet serenity. You see he is basically a quiet bastard and enjoys his own company and sometimes doesn’t like to be disturbed while sitting in a crowd.

Next time you experience the wroth of Leo, call his bluff when he growls, for it is right here you go into the most interesting phase of all. That of the big debate with Bloody Leo.

Many folk, having decided that Bloody Leo is a grumpy bastard also decide that he is a bit of a dumb bastard. Not true. Any one who can find twenty million litres of milk interesting has to be a half smart bastard. (Leo is the chemist at the Milk Powder Factory. New Zealand's most successful and only independent Dairy factory.)

If you’re game, you can have a bloody good debate about absolutely anything. In fact you can have a debate with him about nothing at all. I know because I have done it. You have to have your wits sharpened for any such an occasion or Leo will tie you up with logic you have never thought of.

The outcome is generally one of two. Either Leo won or it’s a stand off. I have beaten him a few times and he sure as hell has beaten me. Such wins on either front don’t happen very often and are cause for much celebration.

Win, loose or draw the positive of this world will find it a stimulating experience.

Despite all that Leo and Katie are part of the original Good Bastards and have been part of making our Good Bastards Days the great success they have been. I thank them for that and for being great friends over the many years we have known them.

A special thanks to Leo for being such a "Good Target" for these bulletins. Without him to take the piss out of God knows who I could pick on who has a big enough heart to take it.

Bloody Leo, Rupert Murdoch look-a-like

Incidentally, Leo sung a few bars of Joe Cockers song "I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends" on our BIG NIGHT OUT AT THE SOUTHLAND. (Mentioned in last weeks news). He is going to sing it right through at this years Good Bastards Day. He might even sing another of Joe’s great songs that will reveal the true Leo. I can just see him gruffly bellowing forth "Unchain My Heart" as he crooned out the unchained melody. Geez, that would be something else.

When I was a young bastard

Young Paddy and young Pat Condon were playing football inside at Pats house when a kick at goal went astray and smashed a vase.

Pats folk were away and when Paddy arrived home and told his mum she was horrified and said that to tell them she would replace it.

"No need to worry about that Mum, Pat told me it was irreplaceable."

Where did we go wrong?

Charlie Graballs started the day with the ringing sound of his alarm clock (made in the Philippines). He turned on the jug (made in Korea) and he made a cup of tea (made in Sri Lanka) had a shave with his razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on his best Shirt (made in Fiji) designer jeans (made in Singapore) and shoes (made in Korea.)

After cooking his breakfast on his new electric grill (made in India) he sat down at his computer (made in the USA) and started planning his day.

After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) he set the time from the radio (made in Taiwan) and then hopped in his car (made in Japan) and went to work (at the company owned by an Israeli concern.)

After work, having drank several cups of coffee (Brazilian) and had MacDonald’s (American) for lunch, he went home and put on his sandals (made in China) poured himself a glass of wine (made in France) turned on the TV (made in Indonesia) and contemplated on the lack of opportunities and unemployment in this country.

Win 10 Six Packs of Beer

The registrations are flowing in for the "Most Recent Order of Good Bastards". It is interesting to note that Steve Bennett from Dunedin has introduced two new members and Joe Ellingham in New York has introduced three.

To make matters interesting we are going to have a competition that will run until the 31^st of March 2002. to see who can introduce the most. IT IS OPEN TO EVERYONE.

The six packs will be your choice of Dark or Light GOOD BASTARDS BEER if the winner is in Australia or New Zealand. If the winner is from another country then their choice of beer from that country shall apply. If we can get Good Bastards in on a reasonable basis we would do that. However red tape stops many great things from happening.

The other proviso is the winner must provide evidence they are over the age of 18.

Capt’n Jacks Wizardry

Capt’n Jack has introduced this new fangled gadget here that makes it possible to Register on line as a member of THE MOST RECENT ORDER OF GOOD BASTARDS. Bloody brilliant Capt'n Jack

Just before you fill that form out, a word about Capt’n Jack and what he may be able to do for you.

It might surprise you that I have never met Capt’n Jack. We do all our business via email and the occasional phone call to say giday.

We all live in a Global Village and the Internet has put the world in your back yard. For example, I set up our company to expand Stain Busters into Ireland having sourced Nolan and Associates our accountants in Dublin via the net. The whole thing was done from here at a fraction of the cost of dealing with the interlinked world wide accounting firms. I have met with the company on a recent trip to Ireland and am more than pleased with my choice and the way things have flowed.

I buy books, carpet cleaning equipment, and sell franchises, books and beer via the net. As a medium of doing business there is no equal if worked correctly. It works 24 hours a day seven days a week on a worldwide basis. I also sincerely believe it is still in short pants. If you’re in business or a club you need to get your toe in the water, Jacks your man.

If you are thinking of having a site for business, personal or club use, I can assure you Capt'n Jack can work miracles for you at a fraction of the cost that the yuppie company’s are running around charging while ripping people off.

If you are thinking of doing something, drop Capt'n Jack an email by clicking on his name and ask him a few questions and get your ball rolling into bigger bucks.

He is a real GOOD BASTARD and I endorse his work to the hilt.

Now here is the form to fill out
to become a member of THE MOST RECENT OF GOOD BASTARDS.

When I was a young bastard

I wanted a new bike, so I prayed and prayed. Went to church every Sunday and did good stuff for all these bastards that didn’t deserve it.

Same as everyone one else who doesn’t know how the system works.

Then I figured it out that God doesn’t work that way.

So I stole the bike and asked for forgiveness.

Noot: My wife drives like lighting

Paddy: Quite fast is she?

Noot: No she hits trees

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo was playing golf and finished up in a sand trap for the third time that day and started swearing and cussing like you wouldn’t believe. Something he practices every day and has just about gotten right.

Anyway this day the priest is also playing and had a shot just where Leo is giving the world the Gospel according to Saint Bloody Leo on what a prick of a course it was, as he belted wheelbarrows full of sand out of the trap in an effort to lift the ball.

As fate would have it, the priest lobbed a ball onto the edge of the bunker and copped Leo in full flight on the rewrite of the profanity section of encyclopaedia of etiquette on the golf course. The ear-shocked man of the cloth came up to the lip of the trap and passed on the following advice.

"I have noticed that the very good Golfers never revert to coarse language and taking the lords name in vain."

"Well of course they wouldn’t! What the F*** have they got to swear about!"

Win A Pallet Of Good Bastards Beer

Big things have been happening with this competition. We are in the final throws of Negotiations to involve a major Newspaper and Radio Network in its promotion in New Zealand. The official entry form will be available in the paper shortly.

Similar discussions are underway to run a separate competition in Australia, the USA and the UK. An announcement on that once we get things in place to be able to promote and deliver the prize in those countries.

In the mean time, seek out your best gags and polish up your palate in readiness
to win A PALLET OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER.

Here it is Guys and Gals, whose gonna claim it?

Lawrence from Lawrence

Also known as Nick. He hasn’t got any camels now that he has left Arabia. But he does have a bucking four-wheeler bike. At least that’s what I thought he said.

He was out riding the range the other day doing some drenching on this bucking four-wheeler and the bucking thing bucked him off and he got covered in bucking drench.

At least it fixed his Worm problem. I think we should all chip in and get him lessons on how to ride the bucking bastard.

If you are ever within a few miles of Lawrence in central Otago you will hear him roaring like a horny old stag.

On another occasion

When I was eight I was a sickly little frigger and my mother took me to the doctor in an effort to get me to eat. The doc tried everything but no-way I wasn’t eating anything.

The doctor was determined to get me to eat so he said. "You want to be stubborn? So can I! You are not leaving here until you eat. You can sit there for the rest of your life for all I care."

I realised the bastard meant it, so I said. "Ok doc. I will eat, but there are some conditions. First I will eat exactly what I want, served the way I want and you will eat half of it."

The doctor thought for a minute and reasoned it was a reasonable compromise and agreed.

"Worms." I advised.

The doctor was horrified, but a deal was a deal so he arranged for a plate of worms. When they arrived I told them. "Not a plate full, just one and make it the biggest fattest juiciest one."

This big fat worm was picked out and put on a plate.

"Now cut the bastard in half." I requested. He did this and I said "Now you eat your half first." The doc realised that sooner or later he had to eat it and sooner seemed better so he slowly ate his way through the slimy morsel. It was the worse thing he had ever eaten. He choked and balked his way through it thinking, "I’ll fix the little bastard, he’ll never make it through."

After he finished he said. "Ok, now eat yours!"

"No way, you ate my half."

Paul Teen

Heres a little know story about Paul’s first week in the Army. He was out on the firing range and after 275 shots at the target, he hadn’t hit it.

The drill instructor was livid when he found out and balled Paul out something shocking.

"You’ve wasted enough bullets to win both wars." He bellowed at the normally not timid Paul.

Paul promptly put his finger over the front of the barrel and pulled the trigger. He blew his finger off and advised the drill sergeant.

"Well it works ok this end, problem must be the other end."

Nora J

Paul, Geoff and Johnny have passed through Sri Lanka on their way to Dubai. Jane is anxiously scanning the blue horizon for the green yacht even though it’s not due yet. She knows with that bloody Paul he might have gone around the other way or even stopped for a few beers and a pot of curry. He likes a hot Bombay curry. And Bombays up there somewhere.

Jane, being registered as crew had a hells own job of getting out of Thailand and missed her flight back to Dubai while being detained by customs. "You are crew, that’s what it says on this piece of paper and you can’t jump ship. That’s all there is too it." Advised the feisty customs officer.

Now Captain Paul is standing beside her telling the official that she was no longer crew that he’s sacked her, discharged her and every thing else he could think of to get her off the boat, in an effort to get through the red tape.

I’m sure he did it in a very "Official" way, him being the captain and all. I wonder if that was the problem!

Anyway, they sorted it out and a coupla days later she was winging it back to UEA.

Captain Kelly Briggs

Had an email from Kelly this week. Caught between captaining his Fishing Boat and his sleek Yacht, I don’t think it will be long before he hoists a sail and disappears into the sunset.

Finding the best Bar

Dare was dees tree fellers, an Irishman, an American and a Polish fella. Dey was having dis discussion on where da best bars were.

Paddy told them "Back in Oirland Murphy has dis porb that when you go in and buy a pint and drink it, den buy another pint and drink it, den Murphy will buy you one for free.

That’s good the others agreed.

Then Chuck told them about this bar in down town Bronx. "Its called Jack Kennedy’s Bar. You go in and buy one and then you buy annudder and anudder, den Jack buys one for ya."

The others agreed that was pretty good also.

Vaulter from Poland put in his bid. "Back in Varsaw at Varloskis’s you go in dare and vey buy you the Virst vone, then they buy you the second vone and the tird vone all the vay up to ten vones. Then vey take you out the back and you get laid."

"Geez, that’s fantastic. It would have to the best bar in the world. Did this happen to you then?" The others asked in disbelief.

"No but it happened to my sister."

Super 12’s/Super14’s

If you believe the papers the inclusion of two new teams in the Super 12s next year is all over. A meeting with the three countries involved in London on the weekend killed it.

New Zealand wanted a bigger share of the cake and to restructure the year and SA and Aus were never going to part of it. They should have all known that before they went.

The inside mail here is that that is only round one. NZ took the hard line believing they could bulldoze their demands through on the strength of the other two getting an extra team each.

They underestimated the resolve of the other two countries, which now puts the ball in SA and Australia’s court to play hardball on other issues.

Interesting times ahead within some administrations suspected of having it’s fair share of hard headed bastards.

The late mail here suggests we will still see the Super 14’s next year.

Valentines Day

Hooter hasn’t got a girl friend so Valentines day doesn’t mean much. However he really looks forward to Palm Sunday.

Rob York

An old mate from way back gave me a call last week. We had a great laugh about old times. One of his first jobs was driving Old Doll the draught horse from the Mananui Mill to the Rail Head with the Timber. A job I also had when I was about 14.

My, haven’t times changed or is it that I’m an old bastard. Saint Pam recons I’m still a teenager. I recon I got out of that stage a couple of years ago and I have really enjoyed it since I have grown up.

Confucius say

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

To avoid hangover stay drunk.

War not decide who is right, it decide who is left.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A lawyer was getting out of his BMW when along came another car and hit the door ripping it off. He rang the police who duly arrived.

"Officer, look at what this arsehole has done to my brand new top of the range fully optioned Beemer with the special paint job, tyres, spoiler, bells and whistles and gadgets on the dash."

The officer looked at the lawyer and said.

"You lawyers really piss me off, you are so materialistic. You are so busy worrying about your precious car you haven’t noticed that you have also ripped off your left arm."

"Oh my God, where’s my Rolex."

According to Pat Condon

42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Only 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

It’s cheaper to buy a louder horn than get the brakes fixed.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

The more you complain the longer God lets you live.

93.6% of statistics are made up.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected then become the expected?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you have to catch up.

3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population of the world.

Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

Why do tugs push barges?

It’s hard to find a statistic that’s right.

Why drive on parkways and park on driveways?

"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos.

All statistics are wrong and cannot be relied on

Bloody Leo was pulled up by the cop for speeding.

Cop: "Sir you were doing 80 in a 60 zone."

Bloody Leo: "No I wasn’t, I never speed I was doing dead on 60."

Katie: No you weren’t you were doing 80, you always speed through here."

Leo scowls at her.

Cop: "I am also going to book you for having a broken tail light."

Bloody Leo: "I didn’t know it was broken."

Katie: "Yes you did, you have been saying you must get it fixed for over a year.

Leo gives her a filthy look and rumbles inside.

Cop: I also notice that you are not wearing a seatbelt.

Bloody Leo: "I just undid it when I pulled up."

Katie: "You never wear a seat belt."

Bloody Leo: "Will you shut the F*** up woman."

Cop: "Does he always talk to you like that mam?"

Katie: "Only when he’s drunk."

Heveldt bought a car

It had an Auckland Blues Sticker on it. After he scaped it off it ran faster and passed better.

Who is putting on so much weight that when he renewed his license the other day the picture took up both sides? Mmmmmmm, wonder who that could be!

Last word from Paddy

I hailed a train to Brisbane the other day and bought a paper to read along the way. There were a couple of things I wanted to keep out of the paper so I sat on it. A little bit of the paper was sticking out the side of my arse.

Einstein’s son came along and asked. "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page and sat down. "Yes I am." I replied. "Can’t everyone read through their bum, or is that a special gift God gave to me?"

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen. A lot of people don’t know that. SO TELL EM.

See you back here next week for the next edition