Coming to you from Mission Control on the Gold Coast In Queensland Australia

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Thought for the week
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take.
Rather by the number of moments that take our breaths away.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

W P Condon, also known as Bill, is the original Good Bastard, Coming up 88 in May this year; he is the patron of Good Bastards. Also famous for being the father of Pat Condon and his three sisters Rose, Carmel and Jennifer and husband to Molly.

I have known Bill since as far back as I can remember. He too hails from the mighty Franz Josef where he was a prominent grazier and I was, by many folks estimation, a spade short in the tool shed. Not that that should reflect on Bill in any way.

With Molly, he now lives in Hokitika and enjoys an occasional glass of the great Grouse Whisky.

Bill has been frequenting the Good Bastards Days from the beginning and everyone enjoys his company and wit.

He has many a great tale to tell about his days in South Westland and we all like to hear them.

I called on him last week and left him with a six-pack of Good Bastards Dark Ale.

"Just what I need to get me fit enough to make the journey to Nelson and see Pat and Linda’s new house." He told me.

Bill Condon is a living legend and a thorough gentleman. And by the powers he’s a Good Bastard.

Ted Dropped Dead

Fred went home after the Golf match and told his wife Meg that his mate Ted had dropped dead on the 4^th fairway.

"That’s terrible, how did you get on?" asked Meg.

"Oh no trouble really." Replied Fred. "Hit a shot and drag Ted, hit another shot and drag Ted...."

The First, the very first, paid member of
The most recent Order of Good Bastards.

The very first person to enrol in our group is Steve Bennett from Brighton in Otago. I previously said Steve was from New Brighton near Christchurch. Steve was quick to advise that he wasn’t one of those one eyed Canterbury Good Bastards. Good to see the rivalry is alive and well.

Just to prove how good of a Good Bastard he is he has also sent us a couple of Gags which are whacked in down below.

Steve has advised he is coming to our Good Bastards Day in November at the Southland Hotel in Hokitika. We will be making a special presentation on the day to Steve for being number one.

Congratulations Steve we look forward to meeting you.

The flow of people joining needed a boost and making it Free seemed as good as any of the ideas presented. We will also be announcing shortly the holiday draw for all members.

So click here for your entry form to print and post OR send electronically.

Those that have paid will recieve a full refund.

The Scuba Diving Incident

A man lost his wife while she was scuba diving. The next morning early, he answered the door only to be greeted by two grim faced policemen at the door.

"Mr Jones, we have some bad news, some good news and some really great news about your wife. Which would you like to hear?"

Fearing the worse Mr Jones glumly replied, "Give me the bad news first."

"I’m sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay earlier this morning."

"Oh my God!" Said Mr Jones overcome with emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said he asked. "So what’s the good news."

"Well said the cop. "When we pulled her up she had two five pound lobsters on her and a dozen good sized Dungeones crabs on her."

"So what’s the great news?"

The cop replied. "We are going to pull her up tomorrow morning."

Kabul Brothel

The Worldwide News Network has reported that yet another bomb has gone astray and hit a Taliban brothel in Kabul and killed all 19 camels.

Good Bastards Beer Survives Naked Protest

The Brews Blues and BBQ’s held at Blenheim on the 2^nd of February was a huge success. Hence I never got the info to Capt'n Jack for last week's edition.

Alan Absolam in front of the Good Bastards Stand

Eight thousand plus turned up and they shut the gates at 8000. The plus were turned away.

We totally underestimated the popularity of the Good Bastards Beer. The festival started at noon and by three in the afternoon we had sold out the 200 dozen we thought would not only do us, but there would be a bit left over for a bit of a do.

There were two queues up to 12 deep waiting to get hold of the best beer. We were told we had by far the biggest queues and crowd around our place. Good stuff eh!

The three gents pictured below did the rounds of all the beer tents and decided that Good Bastards was by far the best and where they should head back to and settle down for a serious session only to find we were sold out.

I had to tell them the sad news, which they did not take kindly and decided to stage a protest by taking all their clothes off.

We finally found a drink for them that we called "The Next Best Thing to Good Bastards" also brewed at the same brewery. It was enough to get them to put their mocker back on before the coppers arrived.

Many folk who knew what they were talking about came up to me and told me it was the best Dark Ale they had ever had. The lager was extremely popular also and actually sold out before the Dark.

We will know better when we participate in the Brews, Blues and BBQ'S to be held over two days in Christchurch on the 16^th and 17^th of March.

Tiger Woods

Good Bastard Don Thompson from Brisbane sent in this one.

While on a golf tour of Ireland Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside. The attendant greets him in typical Irish fashion completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Top o t morning to yerz sir." Says the Irishman.

Tiger nods a quick hello and bends down to pick up the pump nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

They’re called tees." Replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth is dey for?" Enquires the attendant.

"They are for resting my balls on when I’m driving." Replies Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysuz," says the Irishman. "Toz boys at BMW tink of everyting."

Big Night at the Southland

Last Tuesday night at the Southland I met up with a few Good bastards for a secret Good Bastards meeting. Namely Bloody Leo and Katie, Malc Patterson, Hutch and Gus and Maureen Heveldt.

A few other Good Bastards fell by the wayside early, with most of the above named holding in there. Rachel O’Teachain did a sterling job keep the flow up to us and those of us on the GOOD BASTARDS BEER weren’t crook, thirsty or docile the next day.

Malc was the first to fold, electing to sneak out to his Ute and arrange transport to come in behind enemy lines and whisk him away to a safe Haven.

Bloody Leo enlisted the support of a Italian fellow and his wife from Akaroa along with a bottle of wine and under the pretence of going to check out the Glow Worm Dell was able to slip his and Katie’s mooring. Katie didn’t want to go, but Bloody Leo insisted. The poor buggar from Akaroa and his missus, while getting to see the Glow Worms, weren’t aware they were linked into be partisans and part of an undercover operation.

Hutch was belting back his chemically prepared, sugar added, beer with the food colouring to get it to look like a beer. Of course a concoction like that is not only going to bloat you, shag your liver, knacker your kidneys, rot your blood, give you capillaries in the nose, skin like a wet sack, hair loss and nose like Jimmy Durante or a half flat basket ball. With all this crap in your body you will never stay the distance. (Hutch you are not there yet, there is still time to turn the tide.)

Incidentally, in case you didn’t know, Good Bastards Beer is naturally brewed and has none of those nasties in it. I’ve left you a few bottles in the unit in Christchurch Hutch in an effort to wean you off your crap and give you a longer life and many less headaches, lost days and a bright prognoses of the future.

Hutch was floundering around the back trying to get out and found the doors all locked. He finally snuck out through a tunnel from the old days only known to a select few for quick get-a-ways.

Gus and Maureen stayed the distance. Gus was on Good Bastards Dark Ale and Maureen, the driver, on straight Coca Cola.

I was ticking along on Good Bastards Lager.

Naturally enough the three of us had a much more pleasant night and woke up ready to run marathons as opposed to those who shortened the life of their livers on the other crap.

Next morning Gus reckoned we mashed Viagra into the brew. Well that’s one of the secrets we don’t let on about so will you please keep quiet about that.

Anyway Hutch gets home and is trying to unlock the door and was not having any luck. Then Bev opened the window and said you silly blighter those are the car keys.

Hutch replied. "Geez, I nearly started the house."

Accountant

The worse type of Accountant to have is the shy retiring type. They are shy of about a million dollars and they are retiring up north with no forwarding address.

The Nelson Connection

Pat and Linda Condon came over to the Blues, Brews and BBQ’s at Blenheim and helped make our stand a great success as did a bunch of other Good Bastards from the West Coast. John Gibb even got behind the bar and helped get a hundred dozen or so processed into the coolers.

When I was a young bastard

Our next-door neighbour had a two-story house and I was throwing rocks trying to break a cut glass window on the second story. I got sprung and the neighbour came out and grabbed me and said "Ill teach you to throw rocks at my windows."

"Would you really? I keep missing."

The Good Bastards Brewery

An overdue meeting was held at the Good Bastards Brewery and some aggressive marketing plans were put in place to justify the trebling of the size of the brewery.

Graham and Barbara Alexander, Good Bastards from way back were great hosts and we covered a lot of ground from the past and had a great evening.

Scare the cat lover

Now I’m a bit of a cat lover so I would never do this, but Bloody Leo recons the way to scare a cat lover is to poop in the kitty litter box. He reckons he does it all the time. Scares the hell out of the cat owner.

Christchurch

I had a night out with my three cousins, The Brown Cow, the red head from West Melton and Mary the sane one. Here is what I picked up from the conversations.

The red head reckoned men only have two emotions, Horny and Hungry.

The Brown Cow reckoned the only reason she would take up exercising was so that she could hear heavy breathing again.

Mary the sane one reckons that she exercises in the morning before her brain figures out what she is doing.

A matter of passion

As I lay on my bed, thinking of you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body while I slept... you sensed my indifference so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body shows your marks, making it harder for me to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake awaiting you. As soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and won’t let you go. I will hold you with all my strength and not let you go so you won’t disappear.

I won’t rest until I squeeze the blood out of you, you frigging mosquito.

Last word from Paddy

The Kiwis belted the Aussies in the recent cricket series only to go belly up against the Sorth Africarns. Was it the elations of finally getting one on the Aussies that zapped their will to win!

At least it’s not like the weekend Pakistani Cricket where they read out the results on Friday night.

I didn’t know Tony Gregg was a pig farmer? Well he keeps saying things like, he has belted the ball clean out of the pork. I have never seen the pork in such fine condition.

Still, there is always the Bledisloe to make a few bob on isn’t there Hyndsie!

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

Cheers,
Paddy

P.S. Whadda ya mean, you haven’t tried a Good Bastard yet????

See you back here next week for the next edition