Coming to you from THE GOOD BASTARDS BREWERY in Westport South Island New Zealand

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Thought for the week
Men go to bed and wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Paul and Jane Teen

Ball and Chain as I affectionately call them have attended more Good Bastards Secret Business Meeting with Saint Pam and myself than anyone else on the planet. Well Paul and me anyway.

Paul was a driving force back in our good old Saint Mary’s Rugby days. Shit did we have some fun along with a few hundred or so other Good Bastards.

Back in the early seventies it was Paul that became the Legend with all his antics when he was at the Helm of the Southland Hotel.

As Hutch says Jane is like a rock in the river, whether there is a flood or its drying up she doesn’t get flustered, just takes it all and manages the Larrikinism as best she can.

In the two or three years they were living on the Nora J at Dockside in Brisbane we went on many Good Bastards Sailing exhibitions. Boy were they a hoot. (Remember Kevin from Heaven up at Mooloolaba and all the Good Bastards turned up?)

And what about "Bloody Graham?"

Then you upped anchor and stuffed off up through the Straights of Malacca and listened to Pat Boone singing Moon River.

You know that really pissed me off. I was beginning to think it was my Yacht.

Now as previously reported in this forum, you have joined in the hunt for Sommer Bin Laden, taking the vessel to assist with proccedings.

Still, if you get into strife, you have the crown prosecutor from Wellington, Geoff Agnew on board to create a bit of Law and Order.

And don’t underestimate that Johnny Roberts if the pirates turn up!

Congratulations on being admitted to the Good Bastards Hall of Fame.

Paul Teen, Master Mariner	Jane Teen and Paddy

Late Mail

As of Thursday the gallant crew had not set sail. They were awaiting the arrival of a compass from Norway. Paul thought that one might come in handy if they lost sight of land. Friday Jane headed back to Dubai to twiddle her thumbs.

Unexpected Surprise.

Charlie mopes into the house after work and is meet by Shirley who gives him the most passionate kiss imaginable.

She then drags him into the bedroom and slowly removes his trousers while continuing the passion.

She then begins to give him the best blowjob he has ever had.

Charlies just lay there not game to say anything until after the mighty explosion that signalled the climax to it all.

He then said. "Ok Shirl, where did you crash the car this time?"

Santa you bastard

Censored
Franz Josef
4^th of February

Dear Santa

You must be wondering why I am writing to you at this time. It’s too early for next Christmas and it’s not a thank you letter for last year.

I would like to clear up a few things from last year that are causing me some concern.

About a month ago I wrote you a letter when I was filled with illusion. I asked for a bike, an electric train set, some roller skates and some footy gear.

I destroyed my brain studying for a whole year, not only was I first in my class I was in the top half a percent in grades in the whole country.

In no way will I lie to you or anyone else. As hard as it was I was respectful to my parents and also my brothers and sisters who did not return the same respect.

There was no one in our neighbourhood who did more errands for other people. I was the one that helped the elderly across the street and ran their messages and did chores around their homes mowing and cleaning, even cooking on some occasions.

There is nothing that I haven’t done in reaching out and making it better for humanity.

Then you, you frigging arsehole leave me a yo-yo, a whistle and pair of socks. What the f*** were you thinking you fat son of a bitch.

You have played me for a sucker all year to leave that kind of shit under the tree.

And as if you hadn’t stuffed me around enough, you give that little faggot across the street so many clothes and so many toys you can’t even walk into his house.

Yes Claus, you big fat frigging fairy running around in a bright red suit, I am pissed off.

If I see you around here next year trying to get your big fat f****** arse down this chimney, I will fire a rocket from Guy Fawkes day right up your wrinkle which should cause you severe consternation not to mention the constipation. I will throw rocks at your stupid reindeer and scare them off and leave you stranded, and you will have to walk back to the North Pole. Just like I have to do now seeing I didn’t get me a f****** bike.

F*** YOU SANTA.

Next year you will find out just how f****** bad I can be. You fat son of a bitch, because I will hit double figures and be ten.

Sincerely
Paddy Sweeney
1954

The Big Study

The Australian Government wanted to know why the penis is shaped the way it is. So they allocated a few million dollars for research. That’s the sort of things governments do you know. It’s there job.

Bond University spent 1.6 million and came up with the conclusion after two years that the head of the penis is larger than the shaft so that it fits better, in situ, so to speak. This prevents leakage of semen and a greater chance of fertilisation.

The Royal Melbourne University did a far more conclusive study that lasted for years and cost 9. 95 million.

The results concluded that it was wider at one end so that the nerve endings could all gather there while enjoying and partaking in the experience, thereby heightening the experience for the male and therefore make him want to participate in the ritual more often and thereby increase the perpetuation of mankind.

Finally the University of Tasmania spent $9.95 and bought a Play Boy magazine and within a year concluded that the knob at the end is to stop your hand slipping off.

Hearing problem

For years Paul had worked in the hospitality business working mainly in bars that had loud music. This had caused his hearing to deteriorate, so he went to the doctor and said.

"Its got so bad I can’t even hear myself fart."

The doctor gave him some pills to take.

"Will these clean my ears out then?"

"No," replied the doctor, "But they will make you fart louder."

Prime Ministers Disease

Paddy: ‘Helen Clarke, John Howard and Tony Blair have a bad dose of Prime Ministers disease, you know.’

Pete: ‘What’s it called?’

Paddy: ‘Cranium-anal Conjunction.’

Pete: ‘Ohmygod, what the hell is that?’

Paddy: ‘They have their heads up their own arses. ‘

Blues, Brews & BBQ’S

Well what a bllody great day this on Saturday.
(Jack, I will drop you an email about the day)

Struth! Mustva been one hellava day 'cuse Paddy's not been heard from since!..... The Capt'n

Trevor and Paddy

Trevor: You know old Charlie over there is bloody near a Billionaire?

Paddy: Is he? How did that come about?

Trevor: He lost his balls when he was about six.

IQ Test

Think of a number.

Double it.

Multiply x 2

Add 10

Halve it and round up if an odd number.

Takeaway 20

Divide by 10

Now close your eyes.

Dark isn’t it.

If you did the bloody thing your IQ and the temperature right now in Celsius are about one and the same.

Bloody Leo

It was three am in the morning and Leo is sound asleep and there is a knock on the door. Leo thinks stuff this for a game of soldiers and ignores the knocking and goes back to sleep.

The knocking continues and Katie gives him an elbow and nearly looses it in his generous waistline. "Go and see who it is you useless bastard"

Now Leo knows he is on a no win situation here. "Once Katie wants to know who is at the door she won’t let up? And there is no way she is getting up herself."

Leo stumbles downstairs to see who is there? It is none other than his brother in law Paul.

"Will you give us a push?" Paul asks.

"No, stuff ya." Says Leo, he slams the door and stumbles back up the stairs. As far as he’s concerned he can tell Katie who it was and that’s the end of the matter.

After a while Katie says, "You should give him a push. Remember the time he came and helped us with the jumper leads when we had the flat battery."

Leo knew he might as well go and help because once Katie was on the case she was never going to let up.

So he trudges downstairs and unlocks the door, but there is no sight of Paul. He looks up the street and down, absolutely no sign. So he decides to yell out.

"Ok ya useless bastard, I’ll give ya a push. Where are you?"

Paul replies. "Over here on the swings."

Ten things to say if the boss catches you having a nap on the job.

10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9. This is one of those 15 minute power naps they raved about on the time management course you sent me on.

8. Whew, guess I left the top off the Liquid Paper. You probably just got here in time.

7. I wasn’t sleeping, I was meditating on our new mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm that will empower us all.

6. I was just testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing this highly specific Yoga exercise designed to relieve stress.

Are you discriminating against people who practice Yoga?

4. Why did you interrupt me, I had just about figured out the solution to our biggest problem within the company.

3. The coffee machine is broken.

2. Someone must have spiked my coffee.

1. in the name of Jesus. Amen

Last word from Paddy

A crow was sitting around high on a tree all day doing nothing. A small rabbit asked the crow "can I sit around like you all day and do nothing?"

The crow replied. "Sure why not."

So the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared and jumped on the Rabbit and ate it.

The moral to the story:

If you are going to sit around all day and do nothing, you must be sitting very very high up.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

Cheers
Paddy

See you back here next week for the next edition