Coming to you this week from Mission Control

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Thought for the week
It makes you wonder about these parents who cut the end off their kids dicks before they know long they'll grow!

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

John and Leonie Hynds

Without the encouragement of John Hynds there would have been no Good Bastards Book and probably no Good Bastards Beer and no Good Bastards Web page. So if you want to blame some bastard, blame Hyndsie

Let me tell you something here; when Hyndsie gets on your case there is no retreat. Watch what you say in front of him because he will be on your story pronto to make sure 'you' make it happen.

John and his good wife Leonie hail from Auckland and have a little concrete company that employs around 400 people called Hynds Pipe Systems. They pretty much operate throughout New Zealand.

John started off as a labourer with Humes and now he has a company that's bigger than them. Humes are publicly owned, the Hynds Company is privately owned. That tells you something.

He hasn't done it all by himself, Leonie has been a vital force in building this magnificent company to where it is today. And now their sons Aaron and Adrian have critical roles within the company while John and Leonie take the hammer off the pedal and take life a little bit easier.

Now if that's not a good success story I don't what is.

John Hynds, ESQ and Concreter Extraordinaire. A this point I don't have a photo of Leonie.

In 2000 John was awarded Entrepreneur of the year in a nationally sought after award.

John is one of the original Good Bastards having been at our very first meeting. In fact it would be fair to say that if it weren't for him, Alan Kerr and Gary & Bev Hutchison, the Good Bastards Days may never have started in the first place back in 1996.

Congratulations John and Leonie on your admittance to the Good Bastards Hall of fame, and a big thank you from this poor bastard in pushing me over the hurdles.

Bigger than:

Ben Hur

God's Jocks

The Big Bang

Yes

That's right, and you heard it here first;
You definitely could win the best prize of the year,

Win a pallet of Good Bastards BEER

If any bastard accuses us of being stingy, tap them on the nostril and advise them of the facts.
You can win a pallet of GOOD BASTARDS BEER simply by sending in . . . . . . . . .

The Worlds
Funniest Joke

Here is another worst kept secret; I'm writing a joke book of the best gags I have collected over the last thirty years and while it has previously been announced as being called:

"THE GOOD BASTARDS HUGE JOKE BOOK"

It is now going to be called:

"THE FUNNIEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN"

That's if I don't change it, which is definitely possible.
No Leo, I wasn't born in Ireland
In any event you can be part of it and at the same time you can win:

A pallet of GOOD BASTARDS BEER

The contest will close around August this year (Final Date Announced Soon) and the winner of the pallet of GOOD BASTARDS BEER will be announced at this year's:

GOOD BASTARDS DAY
At the Southland Hotel
Hokitika
South Island
NEW ZEALAND
on
The 5th of November in the afternoon

Not only that, your gag will feature in the front of  The Funniest Book Ever Written. It could well be launched on the Monday before Good Bastards Day.

Other good jokes will also feature and receive prizes of GOOD BASTARDS BEER as well.

AND WAIT THERE IS MORE......

Every month the Best Gag wins Fifty Bucks

Kiwis have to take 13 wickets to win a match

According to Pat Condon, the Kiwis have to get thirteen wickets to win a game. "Scientifically proven by the statistics. Bloody blind Aussie refs have little naps while they are standing up. The bastards run the South African ragged and when they are totally knackered, it’s their turn to play Australia. No wonder the poor bastards fell over." Well that’s what Pat reckons anyway.

Water Births

Been reading about these water births. They say it is less traumatic for the baby. Well that might be so, but I reckon it would be bloody traumatic for the rest of the people in the pool.

"Quote"

I say to this dude with the Stop Abortion picket sign. "I have the answer to abortion- shoot your dick- Take that tired piece of meat down to the RSPCA and let them put it sleep." Whoopie Goldberg

Win a Holiday

The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards is up and running and folk joining from all over the place. To help get it underway we are going to be offering a holiday at a fabulous resort run by Good Bastards of the highest degree. It’s a draw for members along with other prizes. More on that once we have finalised it. Details will be in your member’s mailing.

Become A Foundation Member and receive the special foundation member’s gift.

Go to the button that says "Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards" or click here. It is here that you can become part of this mighty concept and enjoy more fun and more laughter than you have ever before.

The doors are wide open at present for all and sundry Good Bastards to join. Once underway others will have to be nominated by other Good Bastards before they can join. The original Good Bastards have long supported the idea to not make it too easy to join. It will never be easier, so if you have the slightest inkling of being a part of this, today is your day. Also only a very short version of the news will be posted on this page. The full version will be emailed weekly to all members of the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

Now be a Good Bastard and register today. CLICK HERE We are just finalising the Secure server for credit card payments. You can also print the application form out and mail it.

Super Twelves/Super Fourteens

The Super Twelves Rugby Union competition kicks off on the weekend of the 23^rd of February. It seems it’s still the super twelves this year with lots of goss around about the announcement of the two new teams.

The story is Australia was to get one more team and South Africa one. The goss is that South Africa has scored their team and Aussie has lost theirs and the fourteenth team is going to New Zealand.

Well I’m here to tell you that’s all bullshit. Aussie is still to get its team and it’s Melbourne.

It’s going to be a great comp and we are currently putting together a 12-person bet on the comp of our own. Each one of us has a team and it requires an investment of a hundred bucks NZ. I have the Waratahs from NSW. Lost a bloody fortune on the bastards last year when they failed to fire, so I’m backing up for a second go.

This is from the bloke who lost a week’s wages on about three occasions backing Sonny Liston to beat Cassius Clay in his Waiho Sawmill days. Ahhah it’s only money, well that’s what I said back then as a fourteen or fifteen year old. Somehow I seem to be still saying it.

We might have one South African team left if there are any very courageous punters out there. Mind you it is South Africa’s turn this year. So if you are interested in knowing more drop an email to paddy@goodbastards.com

And another thing; the Good Bastard Rugby Club is about to make a major announcement. Stay posted BIG STUFF COMING UP. Remember, Members hear it first, Hooter says they might be the only bastards to hear it. Let me tell you, Hooter, one of our more dedicated members, has it wrong if you hear it from sources other than here, like over the corner of a bar or at the urinal it probably isn’t true unless you are hearing it from me there. This is the only reliable source of Good Bastards Information. Don’t get upset Hooter, you’re a good bastard deep down. Like about six feet deep. Told ya I’d get ya.

We might have a weekly pick competition on the Super Twelves for members, so keep your eye out for that.

No one Listens

Jenny: What’s wrong, you look depressed?

Veronica: No one ever listens to me. .. Unless I fart.

Good Bastards Book Banned?

Famous for his sunburnt feet on this page, Tim Teen was telling me a very difficult phone call last Saturday about a mate of ours Casey, who went to a shop in Hornby to buy the book, ‘Good Bastards, the larrikins guide to success’ and was told he couldn’t have it because it was banned.

It seems a bit odd, as the book has been enjoying great sales throughout the country. If it is true, this is great stuff, I can really beat the drum with media about it. If you know anything about it or have any sort of a story to tell please let me know. paddy@goodbastards.com

It wasn’t a good line to Tim as he was pissed having just played in the most unique Golf Tournament in the World, "The Sand Dune Classic". More on that in a future edition. And I was at the Australia Day celebration on the Gold Coast and Glenn Shorrock from the Little River Band was singing his guts out.

So I couldn’t understand Tim due to his state and he couldn’t hear me properly with Glen throwing his tonsils out through six of the biggest speakers you have ever seen.

Tim reckoned it could be because of the bit about the highly respected paedophile priest. I said I hope it is. A number of people have confidently contacted me and relayed similar experiences and were ridiculed when they tried to talk about it back then.

Sooner or later that will all change.

What if

Now it occurred to me the other day that some of you Good Bastards aren’t doing near enough thinking. So I thought I would give you few what "if’s" to make you think a little;

What if Mothers Milk was declared a national health hazard?

What if a chicken actually laid a McNugget?

What if alphabet soup consistently spelt out obscene words?

Good Bastards from around the ridges

I had a note this week from Steve Bennett in New Brighton near Christchurch New Zealand. Couldn’t put the book down once he started it. Steve assures me he will have a load of Good Bastards at the Good bastards Day at the Southland Hotel in Hokitika on November the 5^th. Onya Steve.

Mike Badderly has been on the West Coast sampling the good Bastards Larger and found it was the best treat he’d given his pallet for years. Mike sells a great tool called get smart alex that enables you to set up your own web site with little more than word processing skills. Check it out on www.getsmartalec.com Mike you should join up with The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards and offer other Good Bastards a bit of a deal.

Ian Heywood has been reading the Good Bastards book down on Stewart Island and enjoying some Good Bastards Beer. Ian hails from Otatara near Invergargill. Great country down there for Good Bastards. I had a few seasons down there at the Alliance meat works in the late sixties. Geez that makes me sound old. Nah not really, I was a teenager until a few years ago. Since I have grown up I have really enjoyed myself. Before that it was just fantastic.

Old mate Clive Bissell who gets a few mentions in the Good Bastards Book came out from under his rock in Jakarta in Indonesia and said Hi. Clive tinkers around with choppers. Some sort of mechanic I think. Good on you Clive.

Many thanks to Colin Houston for his kind comments, hope you made the contact with the folk you wanted too.

Kurt and Louise are Good Bastards supporters from Auckland who keep in touch and are waiting in the wings for us to get a chapter started in Auckland. It’ll happen, just be patient.

Quentin Cook reported in from Melbourne having received the book for Christmas. He knew a number of the folk in the book from his St Bedes days.

Good Bastards Beer sneaking across the country

The beer has been a huge success wherever it is stocked. Here are a few outlets that carry it:

Hokitika you can get your fill at the Southland Hotel along with Goog McGill’s Kokatahi Hotel.

In Christchurch the bottle shop opposite the Little Brown Jug in Wairakie Road have a good ongoing supply. You can also get it from the supermarket out at Hornby.

If you’re on holiday at Queenstown then Beaver Liquor is your place.

The Invergargill Licensing trust has it, as does the Oamaru Licensing Trust.

In Nelson, the Light House Brewery has it in stock as does the Nelson City Super Value.

It will be available in Auckland in late February and other North Island outlets shortly there after.

If you can’t get it at your local, go to the boss of the outfit and ask him to get it in.

You will be doing me a huge personal favour if you do. Thank you in advance. The number for them to contact is below. We might be able to squeeze them a pallet a bit sooner if they can convince us that they are Good Bastards.

Our production facilities are working to capacity and part of the reason I am going over this trip is to finalise the trebling of the capacity of the brewery. So we will then need all the bloody orders we can get. (Look out Monteiths, we are on the march)

Liquor stockists in New Zealand should contact Alan Absalom at Miners Brewery in Westport on 03 789 6253.

Enquiries from outside New Zealand should contact me by email on paddy@goodbastards.com

Brews Blues and BBQ’s

Don’t forget to get your arse to Blenheim in Marlborough in New Zealand for the Brews Blues and BBQ’s on Saturday the 2^nd of February. We will be there with the Good Bastards Beer and making one helluva of a day of it along with about 10 000 other Good Bastards.

Paddy’s schedule

Friday 1^st Feb Christchurch

Saturday 2^nd Feb Blenheim

Sunday 3^rd Feb Nelson

Monday 4^th Feb Westport

Tuesday 5^th Feb Hokitika

Wednesday 6^th Feb Christchurch

Thursday 7^th Feb Gold Coast

Where did you say you were from?

‘Good Bastards Racing’ breaks New Zealand record

Mark Holland in his Valiant Door Slammer Drag racer broke the New Zealand record at 210.24 MPH now that’s hoofin it. Now he did this while also blowing the door off the car. He and his mates along with the Good Bastard car are right in the middle of THE EXTREME MASTERS OF POWER TOUR.

Along with a few Good Bastards from Aussie they are currently in Christchurch at their Good Bastards Office at Latimer Lodge. Victor Bray is the Aussie National Champ and current world record holder and Brett Stevens is also there, he is one the top performers from the burnt side of the ditch.

Mark and Neil Robinson are both NZ champs. All in all it’s a class act and pretty hot line up. If you like fast cars and plenty of fun you wouldn’t want to miss it.

Go to www.bluethunderracing.co.nz/tour.htm and get the full story.

Next Saturday the 2^nd Feb they are Racing In Nelson at the Motueka Airport.

On the 6^th Feb they are racing at Ruapuna Raceway in Christchurch

The 10^th of February they are at Masterton

On the 17^th of February you will find them racing in Auckland at Meremere.

Tickets are available on the net from the ticketek site.

Now I’m not saying nothing here, but it is possible you could be able to have a 200 mile an hour ride in Marks almighty beast on this coming Good Bastards Day in Hokitika.

Over $5 000.00 in cash and prizes up for grabs.

With all the Competitions we have on the Go including the Good Bastards Gold Nugget, we have around $5,000.00 dollars up for grabs. Also coming up for members of the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is a seven-day holiday on the Gold Coast.

Check it out under the competition’s button this page or click here.

Somar Bin Larden

You never heard me say I know where he is, account of I don’t. However you know that after a concert to avoid the encores the King would bale, and they would say, "Elvis has left the building".

Well the old Bin has baled from the Af in some sort of disguise. All I can tell you is the folk over there that would know are saying. "Elvis has left the building"

Imagine Bin Dressed up as Elvis singing "Tutty Fruity, want a Rooty" or "One night with you" . Mmmmmmmm!

Bin Larden’s brother is reported to bringing out a label for Bin Larden clothes. I’m with Jay Leno the Yankee TV host on this one when he says. "The only thing I want to see a Bin Larden label on is a body bag."

Special Prize

Haven’t decided what yet, but there will be one for the very first member of "The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards" Too late if you were thinking of being eligible, it is long gone.

However we might award a few more to those who get special numbers when they join.

Tanya Sweeney

Tan made it through her big trek in the Torres Del Paine in Southern Patagonia, which was one of the greatest things in her life she has done. She experienced massive glaciers and towering granite peaks and iceberg filled turquoise lakes. The scenery and the experience of it all were among the greatest she has ever had over the large number of countries she has visited.

Check it the region on http://www.gochile.cl/html/paine/TorresDelPaine.asp

WE look forward to hearing about it all on the 8^th of February when you return Tan.

Good Bastards Success Tip

We have had a few requests to put up a section of Good Bastards Success Tips similar to what is in the Good Bastards Book, so here goes:

Good Bastards Success Tip: Voting: How do tell if a politician is lying? Their lips are moving. I know Leo, every bastard has heard it. Heard it not, too many people listen to the lies. These plasticine politicians rely on the average punter forgetting that they promised to build a bridge where it is later discovered there is no river. They say the people get the government they deserve. That maybe so, but what about us Good Bastards? We don’t deserve the same punishment. So what can we do about it!

Well it’s a bit like why woman rub their eyes when they wake up. It’s because they don’t have balls to scratch. Or why is that when you see a photo of a politician they look stupid? Its simple, they are. So I suppose we could tell them all to go to hell. Problem is they would get lost along the way and finish up back here.

Kerbs said he wouldn’t mind a bit if women were in power. Leo said he wouldn’t mind a bit and he didn’t give a stuff who was in power.

Come to think of it there is no difference between politicians and bulls sperm. Only one in a thousand actually work.

Now here is the best way to vote. Pick the one that is the biggest dill, they can’t stuff it up any more than it is now, and when you read about all the silly things they do, have a bloody good laugh and say "That’s my boy/girl."

Drinking and driving

There is no doubt that the world has changed when it comes to dinking and driving. One of the hidden secrets is whether all these quite sensible laws have actually made a difference. The bottom line no one I contacted could give me any hard evidence that it does. They all say it does but that’s as far as it goes. Now don’t get me wrong here, I support the drink driving laws and I’m bloody sure they do save lives. They have probably saved mine.

It doesn’t get away from the fact though that we have a problem getting home after we have had a few of the necessaries and got a lift to the pub.

Wife won’t answer the phone account of the fact you should have been home hours ago. Well a few of us figured out the answer at a very recent secret Good Bastards meeting.

Here it is. Go to a pub with a Pizza close by. Then when your ready to head, ring up and order a Pizza. Now here is the trick, while they are cooking it, shoot in and get a ride home with the delivery bloke.

Nothing wrong with these secret Good Bastards Meetings is there?.

Last Will

The young thing was talking to her girl friend and said of her sugar daddy.

"I can’t wait for him to die, I have him by the last will and testicles."

"You mean last will and testament, don’t you?"

"No I mean testicles, I have him by the balls."

I‘ve got this mate

He lives down in the bowels of Otago across the road from a place called Gabriel’s Gully. He’s had this patch of dirt down there since before the first world war and he reckons one day he might own it and he might move to Ballina and clean carpets. Ballina being his favourite town. Not much fear of that with Stain Busters as we have had a franchise operational there since 1995

At the moment though, he is setting him self up as a "Find a Shelia " consultant account of the all the experience he has had with his flock. On a regular basis he has to go around and check out all their breasts and have a squint at their teeth and check out their smile.

Now his name is Nick, but we call him Nick for short on account of he’s not. He reckons that a young bloke checking out the talent should do the same thing as he does with his Ba Ba Barbra-lambs.

Bale them up and check out their breasts and smile first and if they pass, then you could be onto something. His lamb buyer, who helps him crutch his sheep, is also a Good Bastard account of his good wife.

Now what better way for a lamb buyer to get the best sheep than checking the crutch of each one personally at the time of alteration?

So Nicks second test is to do a bit of crutching with your prospects and if they pass that she only has the cooking and the tractor driving to pass and you have yourself a missus.

Nick also recons that the only way to appreciate your Good Bastards Mates is a to have the odd arsehole as a neighbour. There is good in every situation is the gospel according to Saint Nick.

He’ll be there at the Good Bastards Day this year if for no other reason than to belt the shit out of me for one thing or another.

Mind you the bastard has to catch me first, when we played football I could pass the bastard, even if I had a broken ankle and was running backwards. still reckon I can.

Waiting

Don’t you hate it when you go into a restaurant and you are so hungry you could eat the balls off a low flying duck and they take your name and shunt you off to the bar?

Now that’s ok if you want to quaff a couple of pints. However what about when you don’t?

Well what I now do when I strike the shunt and a quaff is out of the question, is I put my name down and it really is a hoot when they page me. "Willet B Long, your table is ready."

Leo and Kerbs

Kerbs: You know Leo I had a dozen oysters last night and only eleven of them worked.

Leo: Is that right:

Kerbs: Yep those Oysters really put lead in your pencil.

Leo: Well I don’t like Oysters that much and I don’t have any girls to write to so where does that leave me?.

Hooter

Paddy: How come you never married, Hooter.

Hooter: Well I never found the right girl.

Paddy: How come?

Hooter: Well I guess I have been looking for the perfect woman.

Paddy: Surely you must have found someone over the years you would have liked to marry.

Hooter: Well, there was one woman; she had every thing any man could want. She really was the perfect woman.

Paddy: Why didn’t you marry her then?

Hooter: Well , she was looking for the perfect man.

Good Hits

It took us until the 7^th week to get a thousand hits on this site. Then the 13^th week to reach 2000. Then we hit 3000 in the sixteenth week. Thanks to everyone who has visited our site. Especially those who keep coming back each week. This week has been our biggest with 590 hits.

Without your support it wouldn’t be happening. The more support the more will happen, stands to reason. So spread the word. No Leo, your not allowed to say that.

Had a beer with an old mate

Bloody Warwick Baird tracked me down through the site. Haven’t seen Warwick for about 25 years. Way back in our Hari Hari days. He reckons we had a session at Noahs Hotel in Christchurch in about 1977 and I was pissed. I can’t remember, so that doesn’t count on two fronts. One I can’t remember and it’s only his hearsay.

Any way the old Oscar (Warwick) is working on the new highway from Tweed to Byron and doing a bllody good job I might add. I was coming back up from there the other day after having a meeting with a couple of Good Bastards Franchise Owners from our Stain Busters Systems. Tony O’Reilly from Northern Rivers and Anthony and Karen Armstrong from Coffs Harbour. If you’re in that area, and want your carpets cleaned, give them a call and say Paddy said to give you a mates rates price. We are very keen to get Franchise Owners in NZ. If your interested go to the Stain Busters Button on this page.

I knew Oscar was around Cabarita somewhere, it is near Kingscliff on the NSW/Queensland border. A quick call to directory revealed his number.

Ten minutes later he is enjoying a schooner of VB and I’m timidly supping away on the lightest of lights that tasted like watered down horse piss. He only lives across the road and I still had a half hour to negotiate.

Well we had a decent Secret Good Bastards Meeting at the Cabarita pub. It nestles itself right on this magnificent five kilometres of peacefully golden sandy beach. Magic place to hold such a meeting. Walk out of the bar and you are on the beach.

Anyway after a few steams and 10 000 lies about the past the present and the future, I thought I’d better hit the frog and toad and Henry Holt for wherever they may roam.

Now in among the lies that we had been spinning to one another Warwick is telling me how things have been going quite well for him, and I’m sure they have.

I’m doing the same, bullshitting my heart out, beer, books, franchises, speaking engagements, overseas trips and what ever other crap I could conjure up that should impress the living shit out of him.

Then when we leave, this here current version of Howard Hughes, budding Bill Gates and the Arga Khan goes out and the 1989 silly car also pronounced Celica had a flat battery. It is the White Lightening Model; make sure you note that down.

Now the old Oscar was sure I would have been steering a Roller, a Ferrari or even the Good Ship Enterprise, but no, the silly car with a flat battery was all that was there as a carriage for this little black duck to head homeward in.

Now number one son had borrowed my jumper leads and forgot to return them. Would I do that to my dear old dad? We had a solvable situation not a problem as Oscar thought.

Oscar is standing there or should I say swaying there, with a fair rinse of VB schooners swilling around his well versed plumbing system, compared to my 4 middies of the lightest of light gently sluicing through a near perfect upper and lower intestine.

What was he thinking? I’ll leave that for you to figure out. Anyway no bastard at the pub had jumpers and somehow, without disclosing how, we got to the nearest servo ten k’s down the road and bought a new set, which by the way were stuffed. Obviously some bastard had bought them, used them, shagged them up, taken them back to the servo. Who then gave them a new set and promptly put the old bastards back on the shelf for wood duck Sweeney to meander along and casually buy them without checking their authenticity. Being the enterprising bastards us ex Hari Hari ites we are, we were able to doctor them up sufficiently to get the silly car going.

I left Oscar on the side of the road scratching his arse, having a burp and a fart thinking "Did this really happen!"

Last word from Paddy

Well Oscar, it did happen. The silly car has a few stories, At a Secret Good Bastards meeting I could let you in on a couple. Some of mates reckon if Toyota ever heard about the silly car, they would want to give me a couple of new ones for her and put her in their museum. Now don’t tell the bastards, I have no intention of relinquishing my relationship with this little darlin. I’ve had her since new.

Good Bastards Success Tip: Always check the jumper leads you buy to see if some bastard hasn’t stuffed them up before you got to them and snuck em back in the packet without buying them.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

P.S. Mike Keenan’s a Good Bastard.

Cheers
Paddy

See you next week