Coming to you this week from Mission Control

        Monday the 21th of January 2002                        No. 16

Thought for the week
If it doesn’t make you smile, you ain’t doing it right.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Gary and Bev Hutchison

These two have done more for the continuation and development of Good Bastards than any one I know. They have unswervingly been behind the whole concept before the concept became a concept.

It would be fair to say they have enticed, cajoled, and talked more people into coming to Good Bastard days than any one else.

They have contributed far and away beyond what is expected of being a Good Bastard.

Congratulations on being admitted to The Good Bastards Hall Of Fame. Further to that they are our very first to receive the award. There is no one more deserving to be in the number one spot.

John Hynds (Hyndsie), Gary and Bev What is John telling Gary that has him so absorbed and is tickling Bevs fancy?

Bev, Saint Pam and Gary

The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards

Become A Foundation Member and receive a special foundation member’s gift.

Go to the button that says "Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards" or click here. It is here that you can become part of this mighty concept and enjoy more fun and more laughter than you have ever before.

The doors are wide open at present for all and sundry Good Bastards to join. Once underway others will have to be nominated by other Good Bastards. Also only a very short version of the news will be posted on this page. The full version will be emailed weekly to all members of the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

Now be a Good Bastard and register today.

Edna

They called her Edna, account of she had a Edna like a horse

Easier access

Some people have reported that they couldn’t get connected to this site. To alleviate we have paid serious money to three search engines that previously did not have us listed. They are Nine MSM, Yahoo and AltaVista.

If you are aware of folk that still can’t connect with us, please send us details, most importantly who their server is. Many thanks

Heveldt’s Tent

Well the almighty Kumara Races have been and gone with many folk having a great time and never getting around to making a bet. A top job by Ginger Connors and his crew. More only better next year.

One of the marques where the action was aplenty was Kerry Heveldt’s. They managed to get through about nine kegs and a considerable amount of Good Bastards Beer. They had the Kokatahi Band in attendance doing what they do as no other can. Keeping everyone totally entertained with their rare brand of musicianhood.

Kokatahi Band

This band is unique in the world, its been going since 1910. Its an old time band with old time instruments and the band dress in a uniform of white strides with bowyangs and a red shirt and red chequered kerchief. Their sound is unique as they belt out famous songs from an all but lost era.

Also that day Kerry hosted the McBride Reunion that saw McBride’s from near and far join in the already illustrious group.

It was a huge day with a lot of hoarse bastard’s around on the Sunday. Kerry reckoned he backed a couple of winners but he can’t remember which ones as he has lost the tickets.

Something to give to Bastards that piss you off

PENDING ADVICE OF SURGICAL PROCEDURE

Please be advised that you have been scheduled for a GOBORECTOMY procedure. The purpose of this operation is sever the cord from your rectum and your mouth in an effort to stop you talking so much shit.

Advice

Never hit anyone bigger than you. It is not nice and besides, you will get the shit beaten out of you. And always remember; don’t kick a man when you’re down unless you’re certain he won’t get up. If you do have to get into a fight make sure you can run faster than the other bastard. I won my last fight by a hundred metres.

Bloody dry here

Been so dry here they are thinking of closing 2 lanes of the Southport swimming pool

Stain Busters Cleaning Systems

Our other business, the one that pays the bills and supports the Good Bastard habit, is Stain Busters Cleaning Systems. It is a carpet cleaning Company that we started in 1990.

We have 29 Franchised territories operational in Australia and are enthusiastically involved in getting operations underway in New Zealand and Ireland.

We are actively seeking Franchise Owners In Australia, New Zealand and Ireland.

The Investment for a Franchise is approximately A$79,000 including a van.

You operate within a large exclusive territory.

Full training is undertaken on the Gold Coast over three weeks and there is strong ongoing support with regular meetings, conference, newsletters and ongoing training and product development.

It is an extremely good business opportunity. Our top Franchise Owners turnover up to $40,000 per month.

2003 we expect to have a least one Franchise turning over in excess of $1,000,000

One thing is for sure, we have a system that when followed, you can make exceptionally big money. One of our claims is that dollar for dollar invested our Franchisee’s can make a higher return than any other Franchised operation, this included MacDonald’s.

All this can be verified by your talking to the people who are actually doing it and have no vested interest whether you join our organisation or not.

You can check more details out on our web site www.equitylicensing.com

We are also looking for contractors in Brisbane, Ipswich, Gold Coast, Port Macquarie, Sydney and Canberra.

Contractors are required to own their own van and inventory kit. An outlay of between $37,000 and $45,000 is required. It will vary depending on the price of the van. Contractors earn between $45,000 and $60,000 a year and have all the work supplied for them.

In Brisbane we are expanding very rapidly and have had to turn down a number of jobs each week because we are short on the ground with contractors there.

Many of our contractors go on to buy their own Franchise’s.

Interested drop me a line at paddy@equitylicensing.com

Highly successful diet

Hyndsie was over weight to buggary, so he went to the doctor to get a diet recommended.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days then skip a day." Advised the doctor. "Repeat this for two weeks then come back and see me."

When he returned to the doctor, he was amazed. Hyndsie had lost twenty kilos.

"You did all this by following my instructions?" enquired the doc.

"Yes, but I am here to tell you I nearly dropped dead on the third day though."

"What from hunger?"

"No, from the bloody skipping."

Where to get the Good Bastards Beer

The beer has been a huge success wherever it is stocked. Here are a few outlets that carry it.

Hokitika you can get your fill at the Southland Hotel along with Goog McGill’s Kokatahi Hotel.

In Christchurch the bottle shop opposite the Little Brown Jug in Wairakie Road have a good ongoing supply. You can also get it from the supermarket out at Hornby.

If you’re on holiday at Queenstown then Beaver Liquor is your place.

The Invergargill Licensing trust has it.

In Nelson, the Light House Brewery has it in stock as does the Nelson City Super Value.

It will be available in Auckland in late February and other North Island outlets shortly there after.

If you can’t get it at your local, go to the boss of the outfit and ask him to get it in. The number for them to contact is below. We might be able to squeeze them a pallet a bit sooner if they can convince us that they are Good Bastards.

Our production facilities are working to capacity and slowly we are catching up with demand.

Liquor stockists in New Zealand should contact Alan Absalom at Miners Brewery in Westport on 03 789 6253.

Enquiries from outside New Zealand should contact me by email on beer@goodbastards.com

Slogan: Win a 20 buck voucher

Our slogans are as follows;

If it’s not a GOOD BASTARD, you’re drinking the wrong beer

Today I’ll definitely have a GOOD BASTARD.

If your not having a GOOD BASTARD, we can fix that.

We can always use more good lines in our advertising and promotion. So if you can come up with one that you think is worthy send it in. If we use it other than on this page and no one else has sent it in, we will send you a $20 voucher to spend in our GOOD BASTARDS SHOP, which will come on line in a few weeks.

The Adoption

There was this family from away down south and they had been trying for some years to adopt a child.

Finally their wishes were granted. They picked up their lovely little Japanese boy and were taking him home.

On the way they stopped to enrol in a Japanese correspondence course. (Those bloody green bags, yuk.) [Buy the book ‘Good Bastards’ if you don’t get that one]

The teacher filling out the application asked.

"Whatever enticed you to learn Japanese?"

"Well we have adopted this little Japanese boy and when he grows up and starts to talk we want to be able to understand what he say."

Booze Blues and BBQ’s

Don’t forget to get your arse to Blenheim in Marlborough in New Zealand for the Booze Blues and BBQ’s on the 2^nd of February. We will be there with the Good Bastards beer and making one helluva of a day of it along with about 10 000 other Good Bastards.

Breaking The Bad News

Old Bert tossed tails on the Golf course and no one was prepared to tell his toey wife. Finally Hooter plucked up enough courage to do so.

"Mrs Bert I have some bad news for you, Bert lost five grand playing poker last night."

"The bastard, I hope he dies, if not I will kill him." She responded.

"Now that you mention it Mrs Bert.

Here’s a bloody good idea

The joke books in the six packs of the Good Bastards Beer seem to be getting a good reception. So what we are planning on doing is putting a light card coloured cover on them and increasing the number of pages within.

We are going to include some advertising to offset the increased costs of production.

So if you are looking for more business or you want to promote or sell anything at all to Good Bastards. Here is an opportunity where you could do so in something that definitely gets read. It is inexpensive and while there are no promises, we reckon you’ll get a good result.

Drop me a note and I will get back to you with details:advertising@goodbastards.com

Win the fifty bucks each month
and become a published joke teller.

Have you a good joke, each month we are awarding fifty bucks for the best one and we will published it on this site and also in the Mini Joke Book that goes out with the Good Bastards Beer. Send it to yarns@goodbastards.com

Women’s rule of thumb

If it has tyres or testicles, you are going to have trouble with it.

Secret Good Bastards Business

Now this is a bit of a secret, so don’t tell any bastard about it. One of the places I get my gags from is www.jillsjokeline.com Now Jill is a really Good Bastard if ever there was one. She puts out a newsletter about three times a week with allsorts of gags and other sites to look up.

If you have half a brain and I know some of you haven’t, (haven’t scored a full one,) you should be a subscriber.

Other Competitions
$250 for a Winning Jingle

As we are gearing up for a broader approach to marketing the Good Bastards Beer, (we have to triple the brewing capacity first) we will be going into much more aggressive marketing campaigns.

Towards this end we are looking for Jingles and ditty’s about the beer and Good Bastards in General. There will be a grand prize for the year of $250.00 plus other prizes as we go along.

Write a Good Bastards Song

Are there any aspiring songwriters out there? We are looking for Good Bastards Songs that the Good Bastards Band can play at gigs and eventually put out a CD.

The best song submitted for the year will get $250 plus others can win a prize along the way.

Entry form on this site under Competitions shortly.

How can we make Good Bastards Better?

A blind person could see that we are growing whether others or we like that idea. We are continually coming up with ideas on how to promote the concept and how to make it better.

We have received various input from Good Bastards around the world and we are very appreciative of this.

So we have decided to have a prize of $250 for the best idea on how we can promote, improve, enhance or whatever to the concept and be the first to do so.

If you have a lingering thought or idea that you think can do this drop us a line and let us know.

Contest will run for the rest of this year and recognition will be given to those who contribute good ideas along the way via this site.

Nora J

Good Bastards Paul and Jane Teen are off on the "The Good Yacht NORA J" leaving from somewhere up around Phukett (doncha just luv that name) and then off around India. It’s a good time to go, as they will have all those warships up there looking after them. Along with about three or four Air Forces and few Army’s offshore waiting to lend a hand if they get into strife. I’m sure Paul will have them sorted though by the time he gets back. I recon he’ll, meaning she’ll, write a book about it all. Then there is the movie, the Broadway play and the memorabilia. Going to be bigger than Ben Hur.

Good Bastards Johnny Roberts and Geoff Agnew are crewing and will know the phrase "Pull that bloody rope" off by heart by the time they get back.

Bon Voyage and here’s to some safe and exciting sailing.

Tanya Sweeney

Tanya is out doing a trek in Patagonia away down the bottom of Chile somewhere.

She is with a close friend Karen Phillip who is a doctor up in Townsville. So if she gets crook she has first class attention on hand. Now that’s a very sensible way to do a trek in Patagonia don’t you think?

Also with them is a mate of Karen’s from the States.

They are due to finish the Trek on the 23^rd when we will be anxiously waiting to get the phone call telling us all about it.

You would think he would learn

Good Bastard Tim Teen goes up to Kaiteriteri for the families Christmas holidays. Each year he goes to sleep in the sun and gets sunburnt feet. Well this year it was going to be different, pigs arse it was!

Tim puts the feet up and has a bit of a snooze, presumably after a few Good Bastards cleansing Ales. It was nice dull day, no sun here thinks Tim. Pigs’ arse there’s not.

Few hours later Tim retrieves himself from his comatose state, having been dreaming of all things possible, like just getting the contract to plaster the Hokitika bridge, winning lotto and once again winning the Pig headed bastard award at the Good Bastards day.

Yep, you’re on to it! Tim’s got the sun burnt feet.

Westland Dairy Company
tell Goliath Dairy, Fonterra
to go and get stuffed

And so they should. Westland Dairy, a 65 year old co-operative with 335 Good Bastards farmers voted 100% against the take over by giant Fonterra.

Fonterra has gobbled up all but two companies into their grim reaper cloak. Silly bastards thought that their idea of snaring the most profitable dairy company in the country, giving direct employment to 150 people and hundreds of others indirectly, would be a piece of piss, by indicating they would slash 90 jobs and make it even more profitable, would work.

Did you see the movie Dumber and Dumber. Well I reckon they will make one and call it Silly and Sillier after this little piece of sheer corporate stupidity.

Good on you to the 365 Good Bastards that gave the ring finger salute to yet another predator of the mighty West Coast.

The worm has turned, look out you iridescent greeny bastards; you should be cowering in your dole queues and university smoko rooms. THE GOOD BASTARDS ARE COMING.

Last word from Paddy

He was one of these bastards who stopped to think, problem was he forgot to start again. He remembered though that he was unique, like everyone else does. But it doesn’t really matter because if life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life then lets all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. And always remember the facts while interesting are generally irrelevant, and the bloke that says ‘this is as bad as it gets’ usually won’t bet on it. Savy?

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

Cheers
Paddy

See you next week