Come back every Monday for the news according to Good Bastards

Thought for the week
An erection is like the theory of relativity,
the more you think about it the harder it gets.

Well, we are on the home leg now and its time to round out the last few days of it all. Tanya left for Patagonia in Chile the same time that we left London for here.

She is off to do a mountain hike with a couple of mates for about ten days and then check out that area of the world before heading home in February.

Jimmy and Kaye Hayes

On the map I had had given to me, it had written; look up Jimmy Hayes in Clonakilty. It's a place in West Cork.

The note said Finns bar. The only bar we could find was Mick Finns bar and it was closed, so I went into a hotel and asked if there was another.

"No, no that's the only one." I was told.

"I'm looking for a man called Jimmy Hayes, do you know him?" I enquired from my friend at the bar.

"Why do you want him?"

"He has his name on my map." Now there is a perfectly logical explanation if ever there was one. My friend seems to understand.

"Are you from New Zealand?"

"More or less." Another perfectly logical explanation.

"He can be located."

"Do you know him?"

"He's my neighbour."

Well a couple of Guinness's later and we are off to see Jimmy. Here I am standing in Jimmy's lounge room explaining the map and who had given me the instructions.

"Who the feck is Rachael?"
[Feck, fecker, fecked and fecking are all legitimate words in Ireland and are not related to the other "F" word. Well that's what I'm told anyway.

Well we couldn't make a connection there but it didn't matter, Jimmy reckoned we should go out and have a night on the porter anyway.

Within five minutes he had jacked us up a bed at the best pub in town, the Imperial, and a feed at the best restaurant, the Sugan, and then for Kaye and him to meet us at the best bar in town in a couple of hours.

We had a great session, the music was great and we met some great people. Except for some bastard in the bar who kept dropping paint peelers of farts that were stripping the paint off the wall.

Jimmy and Kaye decided there was another pub that was a bit quieter. In the first pub we couldn't hear ourselves speak for the music.

In the second one we couldn't hear the music for the speaking. It was chocker, full of big shit's Jimmy tells us. Dentists, doctors etc.

One way or another we had a great time there meeting heaps more great people. Jimmy is a musician and has a CD that we bought and listened to as we drove around Ireland in our little Fiat Punta. They still make the Fiat you know. [I know I've already told you that Leo, but others mightn't have read that.]

Michael Collins

Michael Collins is the man who negotiated the Irish Free State and as a result had the dictatorship of the English Government removed from about 80% of Ireland back in about 1922.

A real Good Bastard.

He subsequently was assassinated and recently they made a great movie about him. Called Michael Collins with Liam Gleason playing the lead role. You can get it on Video in most countries in the world except in England. And why wouldn't the British Government hide their crimes against humanity and remain pious to their subjects.

You can't have that sort of thing being made available to their own people.

In a future edition I will write about the Irish people and the continuos persecution they had been suffering under the British Monarchy and the British Government.

I wanted to find out why the unrest in Ireland has endured and be able to fill folk in as to why all this blueing has been going on over there. It will make interesting reading.

Anyway, I have long been fascinated with Collins and what he accomplished and how the community became split over his great deeds, so I wanted to go and see the memorial constructed where they knocked him off.

I had some sobering reflections there.

There is much pain and pride in this country. They suffered so much at the hands of the English monarchy and government for decades.

The resentment held by the Irish towards these so-called "great bodies" is well justified and if the truth of their treacherous deeds ever becomes taught in English schools, the English people will hang their heads in shame as they realise that some of their so called heroes were no better than Hitler and his Third Reich.

Mark these words. In the internal annuls of English history, the wheel is slowly turning.

Guinness Brewery

Guinness is a major part of Ireland and a visit to Ireland without a visit to the Guinness Brewery would not be complete.

Arthur Guinness back in the 1700's negotiated what would have to the all time best business lease.

They sell 10 million pints of Guinness every day throughout the world. Now that represents some serious drinking.

The tour costs nine punt and you get a free pint of Guinness at the Gravity Bar on the seventh floor.

It is where you get the perfect pint. Even Saint Pam enjoyed one there. Tanya and I really enjoyed ours.

They recon there is a baby in every glass. Old Arthur had 22 kids you know.

The Euro

While we were in Ireland the country changed it's currency to the Euro along with eleven other countries.

It all went very smoothly, with the Euro representing approximately 79% of the punt.

It seems like an attractive looking currency and even though the idea is that it is all the same. In each country they have different coins and notes and the same product costs different amounts in different countrys.

Mama Mia

We bailed from Ireland and met up again with Peter and Trish Teen in London and went to the show Mama Mia in the West End.

Who ever wrote that script deserves a medal. Very clever, if you get a chance go and see it.

Greenwich Village

On Saturday Pete took us out to Greenwich Village. This is where we all set our clocks by. But here is the question; where do they set their clock from. I reckon from time to time they get it wrong and that's why I am occasionally late.

We walked under the Thames in the tunnel and there was bloke half away across that looked like George Harrison playing a guitar and singing just like him.

Now I'm not saying anything here, but maybe George didn't die!!!!!!!

I saw a bloke that looked like Elvis in Las Vegas as well.

Now I never said anything there either. Live and let live. It must be a real pain in the arse being famous and not being able to go out and have a feed or a walk in the park without being mobbed by your fans.

Even in the dunny taking a pee, other blokes checking out the size of your old boy, well that's what Pete reckoned anyway.

Great Hosts

Their land Lady, Constance, was very kind to us also, providing some great advice and running us down to the station.

A word from Tanya

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Know one knows, it has never happened.

The passing of a couple of Good Bastards

It was with sadness that I received the news of a two Good Bastards who passed away over the Christmas period.

Tommy Dillon

Tommy has been a part of many Good Bastards lives over the last thirty years or so. From masseuse in the footy team to always there supporting events that unfolded.

A great fellow to have a drink and a laugh with, he will be missed by many people.

Keith Batty

Keith has been a personality on the West Coast for as far back as I can remember. Always good for a yarn and a laugh, he was a great bloke to have a beer with.

He did a lot of great things for a large number of folk.

Heres to you both. I will miss the pair of you.

The Holy Water

You will remember that I was telling you about tracking down the Holy Water also known as the Poitin.

Now the mean bastard that ate his dinner out of the draw that I told you about, well we tracked down where he lives.

Up in the hills of Macgillacuddy reeks at the back of Killarny.

He is so mean that when he watches Mass on Television, when it comes to the collection he turns off the telly so that he doesn't have to give.

Anyway all I can tell you is that we have been in and around Killarny, we met the bloke and it is possible that a bottle of Poitin does exist.

Now I'm not saying I have one, as if I did have one everyone would want a taste. But I haven't got one anyway.

The ultimate 50th birthday present.

Good Bastard Evan Birchfield who found the Good Bastard Gold Nuggets turned fifty the other day. The following article by Good Bastard Paul Madgewick from the Christchurch Press is what you do for the man who has everything.

WEDNESDAY, 09 JANUARY 2002 WEST COAST STORY

TANKS A LOT: Evan Birchfield gets a BIG birthday surprise from wife Jane PAUL MADGWICK/The Press

Tank gatecrashes party
07 January 2002

What do you buy as a 50th birthday present for the man who has everything?
Another gold watch? A sports car? Try 50 tonnes of sheer grunt and metal in the form of an ex-Vietnam War Centurion tank.

Ross goldminer Evan Birchfield could hardly believe his eyes or ears when a fully fledged 1953 Mark V Centurion gatecrashed his birthday party on Saturday night in what had been the worst kept secret on the West Coast.

"He was always going on about wanting a tank, so I was talking with some friends in the pub after the Kumara races last year and they suggested we should make him one. I thought, `no, we'll go for the real thing,'" wife Jane Birchfield said.

Tracking one down was not as hard as imagined. After surfing the Internet, a few calls to England and Australia and a clandestine visit to Victoria, son Andrew had one on its way to the West Coast. The hardest part was keeping it a surprise.

The former Australian Army tank has an illustrious history, from service in South Vietnam in September 1968 to the filming of the Hollywood blockbuster Courage Under Fire, in Mexico, in the 1990s. News soon leaked as it made its way by truck from Nelson to Ross two months ago. It was under cover, but the unmistakable shape was a giveaway until it was sneaked into Ross by a back road and quickly spirited away in a neighbouring barn.

Evan Birchfield said he heard on the grapevine that a tank was on the West Coast, but was put off the scent because he thought it was connected with an Army exercise in the Grey Valley.

"The party wasn't a surprise. The surprise was when this bloody great tank came rattling up the road and ran over a car."

Adding drama to the surprise, Andrew and friends dressed as Osama bin Laden and, chased by the SAS, drove the tank up to the marquee where 200 guests were partying, squashed an old car in the process, and hand-delivered the keys to a gobsmacked Mr Birchfield.

Even Ross policeman Mike McManus was in on the secret and the pantomime, as one of the SAS officers.

"Every 50-year-old should have one of these," Mr Birchfield said.

Next week

We will be back at Mission Control and boy have we got some exciting stuff to get our teeth stuck into.

We will also be kicking off the Official membership drive of

You will have an opportunity to become a foundation member. This is the official organisation that Good Bastards can belong to if they wish.

Their will be many benefits and it will act as a cohesive to coordinate our events throughout the world.

Last Word from Paddy

However, based on this trip there is a fair chance I will make it into the one called "Booze Who."

Talk to you next week from the comfort of my own computor.

See you next week