Monday 19th of November 2001
For all the Good News come back here every Monday
COMING TO YOU THIS WEEK FROM MISSION CONTROL
ON QUEENSLANDS GOLD COAST
Thought for the week
For a woman to be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
For a man to be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Forecast: Good Health, Good Times and a Great Future for those that think it through, put it on paper and get busy right now doing what has to be done.
Good Bastards Beer Sell Out
Paul Teen reckons there are a lot of thirsty Good Bastards out there. First off fifty dozen was drank on the night of the Good Bastard Book Launch and that was well before midnight.
On the night, the Good Bastards Dark Ale went first, closely followed by the Good Bastards Larger with many of the Good Bastards claiming to have consumed over 20 bottles.
Only those who reverted to the free wine were crook. Yours truly knocked over twenty bottles and woke up next morning able to take Gold in the pole vault and long jump, and then run a marathon.
And that's not all..
Another 800 dozen was snaffled up at selected test outlets, cleaning us out entirely, and leaving us completely out of bottles and awaiting the new shipment to arrive.
We thought the 800 dozen would see us through to the arrival of the second shipment of bottles.
We are now awaiting the arrival of another 2000 dozen; as soon as they arrive, Good Bastards Beer will hit the taste buds around the country again.
It was never suppose to be this successful so soon; caught us with our pants down. Still, it only confirms just how good the bloody stuff is.
Our new six-pack box will be here with the new shipment and it will quickly turn up in bottle stores around the country.
Thus far, the Good Bastards Beer has had an overwhelming nod and thumbs up as the best beer around.
Let us know what you think of the beer if you have been lucky enough to have a guzzle beercomments@goodbastards.com
Rare Collectors Item's
Now here is a bit of real good stuff for those who were smart enough to snaffle a bottle or two from the first release; the next run and ongoing runs will be in brown bottles.
Yes those first green bottles are already worth their weight in gold as there will be no more. But wait there is more good news..
When the six packs come out they will include a Mini Joke Book. The first two editions have been printed and we have not printed enough of them to cater for demand and are currently printing Book Three and Book Four to accommodate the requirement.
It is anticipated that all these jokes books will become collector's items as time goes on. However there will be none more precious than the first two.
So make sure you get yours.
Australian Book Launch
The other big happening this week is the launch of the book on the Gold Coast. It is at 6pm at the Paradise Springs Golf Club just off the Robina Causeway. It is on Friday the 23rd of November.
If you would like to attend please phone Paddy on 07 5527 2233. It is $12 admission and includes food, drinks are at bar prices.
Paddy Recovering
The general consensus was that his mates were pleased to see him arrive and pleased to see him go on his recent tour to New Zealand. And he, like those Good Bastards involved in the two-week celebration, has been healing ever since.
Bin
The old Bin is in deep shit over there in Afghanistan. Now is that a dog or a biscuit? Anyway Bin is worried right now and went to a physic to see how he was going to come out of it all.
The physic told him that he would die on an American Holiday.
"Which one, what day?" asked Bin.
"Doesn't matter." replied the physic. "Any day you die will be an American Holiday."
Jill's Concerns
Good Bastard and Widow Jill, well we will call her Jill here to protect her from further embarrassment, hadn't been near a man since the death of her husband eight years ago. Her son Jake, also not his real name, lined her up with a work mate of his called John, that is his real name, who was about Jill's age.
After a lovely romantic meal and a walk in the park in the moonlight they finished up back at Johns place.
She fought off his advances and finally succumbed to the passion of the moment and enjoyed the event immensely.
After it was over she broke down sobbing and John, concerned, asked what was wrong?
"How can I face my son knowing I have sinned twice." She replied.
"Twice!" Enquired John puzzled. "I thought we only sinned once."
"Well we are going to do it again aren't we?"
Fastest Good Bastard
For those that never checked the Good Bastards News on the fifth of November, [that was the edition that never made it and went straight under the archives button] the Good Bastards Racing Team is now a reality.
Mark Holland, New Zealand's fastest man, now has on his car Good Bastards Drag Team.
Mark is New Zealand's Drag Racing Champion with his Door Slammer. It can top 206 MPH and is one awesome machine.
Check it out on www.bluethunderracing.co.nz or better still go check the awesome beast in person at Tokaroa on December the second. You will also see the astonishing machine in the street parade.
Then December the ninth they are racing at Meremere. BE THERE OR BE SQUARED AND ROOTED.
In 2002 the EXTREME MASTERS OF HORSEPOWER TOUR will be going throughout the country. You won't want to miss that either. We will keep you posted as to dates, places and times.
Good Bastards Golf Classic
This year's event was fantastic; however next years event will be bigger even still.
Kerry Heveldt hit a slicer this year that veered over the fairway and nearly donged an old duckie two fairways away.
When he went over to recover his ball the old duckie gave him a serve saying he should have yelled fore.
"I didn't have time." Replied the Irish German descendant.
"Oh yea, how come you had time to yell Oh Shit." He was asked.
We are planning a Good Bastards Tournament some time in the New Year with Good Bastards in Queensland, probably on a course on the Gold Coast. Drop us an email if you are interested in participating. qldgolf@goodbastards.com
Good Bastards Book
The books have hit stores throughout New Zealand with Whitcoulls and Paper Plus stores being well stocked to meet the Christmas demand. Other stores have the book also.
In Hokitika, the Kowhai Book Store can supply you with yours or those you want to buy as Christmas presents.
We will be listing the stores who have the books under the button Good Bastards, the book.
If you have read the book, enjoyed it or otherwise. Send us your comments. bookcomments@goodbastards.com
Dear Paddy
I met this girl the other night when I had had a couple of sherbets. She told me she was sick, now I can't remember if she has VD or TB. What should I do?
Signed
Lovelorn
Dear Lovelorn
If she coughs a lot, screw her.
Leo and Kate
Leo and Kate decided to go for a trip around Tasmania and on the first night they stayed in a motel that was over a hundred years old.
Just before settling in for the night Leo decided to go outside and have a think and a cigarette.
As he sat in the pitch darkness puffing away and savouring a bottle of Port, he started feeling a bit amorous so he decided to head back inside and lay a bit of romance on Kate.
He couldn't find the switch in the pitch darkness and thought that would only add to his chances.
"Honey" he called "Honey where are you."
There was no reply so he called again this time louder. "Honey, I'm coming to get you."
Next thing this male voice replied. "Hey man this aint no beehive, this heres the men's room, you go get your honey some place else."
Paddy Buys a Wall Planner
In a past life, as many of you know, Paddy did a lot of speaking engagements at conferences etc. It had all but died out of recent times, however since the current publicity he has been booked to speak at three conferences next year.
So to ensure it doesn't conflict with other commitments, there is a brand new wall planner hanging on the wall.
Tim's Dilemma
Good Bastard Timmy was up in his bedroom when he noticed a light on his shed. He knew he had turned it off so it must be someone robbing the place. So he rang the Police. It was two in the morning and a sleepy voice replied, "There's no one available."
Tim waited a minute and rang again and this time said.
"I rang a few minutes ago about some one in my shed, well I went down and I shot four of them."
Within five minutes there were three carloads of Police there.
Of course they caught the burglars and the concerned Sergeant went up to the smiling Tim and said.
"I thought you said that you shot four of them!"
Tim replied. "I thought you said you were unavailable."
Murray and Den
Big Den the tractor salesman was driving along and saw Murray the farmer ploughing a paddock with a bull pulling the plough.
Den though he has to be a Monty to buy a tractor so he pulled up and went over to him.
"Wanna buy a tractor Murray?" asks Den.
"Nope, I have three new ones in the shed."
"How come you are ploughing the paddock with a bull then?"
"This is part of the bulls continuing education. He has to learn that's there is more to farming than rooting and tearing down fences."
From the halls of learning
The professor was teaching the class the joys of life. He told them that a good bowel movement could be as pleasurable as making love.
Studious Gus quickly put up his hand and waved frantically.
"Hey fess, either you don't know to screw or I don't know how to shit."
Woman's prayer
Dear God
Thank you for making me healthy.
Could you also please make me sexy?
If you can't make me sexy,
Could you please make all my friends fat?
Amen
Behind the Scenes
There is much happening behind the scenes with Good Bastards. Many people are becoming involved with a whole range of events and projects. All aimed at bringing a bit more humour and happiness to the lives of those who embrace the concept.
Keep posted; you won't want to miss a minute of it. www.goodbastards.com put it on your favourites list.
Last Word From Paddy
Statistics say that married men live three years longer than single men.
Phycologists tell us though, that married men are more willing to die.
See you next week
In the meantime remember,
"Good Bastards Help Their Mates In times of need.
Absolutely Useless Bastards are nowhere to be seen"
Websites by:
Capt'n Jack
Last Update 19 November 2001