Monday 29th of October 2001
Updated weekly
Thought for the week
Never argue with your wife when she is packing your parachute.
Good Bastards Beer take on Monteiths
Monteiths Beer has been a tradition on the West Coast of the South Island for over a hundred years. So you can imagine the local furore when the Directors of DB decided to shift it too Auckland.
Coasters had already suffered the indignity of a public canning by the Government as they prostituted themselves for the green vote with the slamming of the door on the milling industry along with severely restricting Gold mining.
The good old government had also shut down two hospitals in Hokitika and severely restricted other necessary services.
Why is it these retarded people called politicians are allowed to wreak havoc with people's lives? You can be assured that this forum will have no qualms in playing them "the old nut cracker, sweet" if any of them venture their attentions into the Godzone in future. While there is the odd good poli, most of them have about much use as a rancid bucket of puss.
As far as it goes Monteiths has delivered up a good drop for many a year and has hung its hat on the West Coast heritage it deservedly enjoys.
Well there is now a new beer on the block. Good Bastards, and it is brewed and bottled on the Coast. Not only that we claim it is a better drop by far. Now here is the challenge:
We will be selling more beer worldwide by Good Bastards Day 2006 than Monteiths.
Now that's a big call, not really. It simply means all the Good Bastards have to get there thirsts up and get stuck in.
As one Good Bastard said, "They have to pay for their sins against the Coast and what better way than taking away some of their market share." So to the boffins who might think otherwise, rest on your oars and watch it happen.
Good Bastards Day
It's bearing down on us like a truck on a hill with no brakes and a busted tail shaft. I'm leaving the other coast, being that of the gold variety in Australia on Wednesday the 31st of October for Auckland, few engagements there, then down to Christchurch to meet up with some Good Bastards and then over to the west Coast on the Saturday or the Sunday.
A great day is planned following on from the events of the book launch the night before. The day begins with the Good Bastards Golf Classic at nine am and rolls on from there.
Good Bastards Day in New York
Peter Anderson and Gregg Waffalbaker have organised a Good Bastards Day in New York on the same day. It is to be held at McSourleys Bar, which is not far from the WTC site and gets frequented by the NYPD and the NYFD, they are all good bastards. McSourleys only sells two types of beer and you don't have a choice, as to which you get. Either McSourleys Bitter or McSourleys Dark.
Sounds like a great concept, maybe we should do something like that with the first Good Bastards Bar and Grill that we set up?
Great news fellas, hope you have a great day there. I'll be calling into McSourleys between the 6th and 11th of December this year when I'm in New York.
New Zealand Book Launch
The invitations have all been sent and the response fantastic. Rachel is doing a great job getting everything teed up for both events, Good onya Rach, you're a really Good bastard. No doubt about that.
There will be folk that want to come that never received an invite, just come for crying out loud, your invited and that's official. Ring Rachel on 03 7558344 and register.
It's at the Southland Hotel Monday the 5th of November at 6 pm.
I know so many Good Bastards from dozens of different places and I need you to be there to share the fun and humour of that night or the one in Oz.
Its $10 admission and includes food. Drinks at bar prices except wine, which is, compliments Southland Hotel.
Good Bastards Dark and Good Bastards Larger will defiantly be available.
Australian Book Launch
The Invites go out this week for the Australian Book Launch. It is at the Paradise Springs Golf Club on Robina Causeway on the Gold Coast on Friday the 23rd of November at 6pm.
If you don't receive an invite, ring and register, you're welcome. Ring Paddy 07 5527 2233 and leave a message, as I will be involved with various Good Bastards activities in NZ until the 15th.
Good Bastard Tanya Sweeney reports from the Greek Islands
Good Bastard Tanya Sweeney is flat out relaxing on the Island of Rhodes in the Greek Islands before heading off to explore Turkey. She has had a great look around Rome and Italy and even got to see the Pope. After Turkey she is heading back to Switzerland to get ready to meet up with Paddy and Pam in France in December.
History Lesson
As learnt at the Waiho Gorge School. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world and he did it with a 100 foot clipper.
The Book has hit the bookstands
Phew, They are there, in Australia at least and in New Zealand early next week. Details of who has them will be available on the book button of this site as the distributors supply us with the names. All bookstores can order you one in by simply asking them to do so.
If you go in and they don't have it, tell them they should stock the bastard as it is a bloody good read. Who knows we might sell a few more books and convert a few useless bastards to the cause.
Advice From Paul
Paul was on a bus one day and a man got on with eight kids and by the time he sat down there was nowhere for him to sit. So he stood and hung onto a strap from the roof. Paul looked up at him and said. "Shag ya self out of a seat mate."
On the same bus a buxom blonde asked the driver if she could get off at the end of the route.
True Story
Some of you know this bloke. He was a butcher and a certain young lady found herself in the family way. The Butcher agreed that if she kept quiet about it, he would give her free meat until the boy was sixteen.
All went well and when the day before the boy turned sixteen he was in collecting the weekly meat order. The butcher with a smirk on his face, said to the young man. "Tell your mother this is the last free meat she will be getting and watch the expression on his face."
The boy did this and his mother said. "You go back and say that's it's also the last day I get free petrol, free groceries, free milk, free rent, free bread, free beer, free clothes and free fish and chips and watch the expression on his face."
Looking for Political Jokes
No not the actual politicians, just some gags about the useless bastards, well most of them are. In the Good Bastards Beer we have Mini Jokes Books. Every million six packs we put in a new one, only joking its only every hundred thousand. These books may well become collectors' items. The first two are out there and from here on in each one will develop its own theme as to the gags it has. We have tens of thousands of gags on file, for some stupid reason I have been collecting them for years. At last I know why. A bit of divine providence there. While there are heaps of jokes about politicians, (why wouldn't there be.) I am looking for some fresh material for this next Mini Joke Book. Send it to me on yarns@goodbastards.com
Someone once asked Paul Keating if he knew any political jokes, "Whadda ya mean, I am one." He replied.
When he was in power, Keating rang the queen and said "Why don't you make Australia a Kingdom and make me the King."
The queen replied she would make it a country and he could then stay as he was.
Noot said I wouldn't mind a bit if woman were in power. Plumley said he wouldn't mind a bit and didn't give a stuff who was in power.
Lawyer Jokes
Our call for Lawyer jokes last week elicited a couple of responces from solicitors, they sent in jokes. Not too bad either. Seems there are some Good Bastard Lawyers out there.
Land Ahoy
The good thing about sailing is that you never more than about three miles from land, even if it is straight down.
Word from the Front Line
Good Bastards day is looming so I thought I would sniff out what has been happening back where it all began:
Hutch went down to Ross on Urgent Good Bastards Business related to The Good bastards Gold Nugget. He was pulled up for zooming along and the friendly policeman asked him who he was and what did he do. He replied my name is Hutch and I'm a panel beater. The officer feeling sorry for all panel beaters let him go. Now there is something in that for all of us. I always knew I was a panel beater.
Noot gave Proudy a call on the remote for his Video. For some reason Proudy never got the call.
Phil Duffy, the chairman of the board is not getting a fair deal from his mates, seems he had to pay $4.00 for a pumpkin plant from one of a tree stealing greenie. That was quite a compassionate act as most of his other mates have them growing wild and wouldn't even give him a pip, or so I was told.
An unnamed schoolteacher was called an old bastard by one of his fray. He's real pissed off about being called old.
There was a scratchy message about Pat Barlow and a golf ball, couldn't quite get the guts of that.
Melbourne Cup Lead up advice from Mulga Bill the Bookie
Well the Cox plate has been and done and run. The good news is that German Bastards never stole it, only managing fourth. It was a tough race in the straight with Northerly and Sunline giving severe interference to Viscount who would otherwise have been the winner. Still they survive in the steward's room. Viscount has to be the top three this Saturday in the Derby with Amalfi and Ustinov making up the trio. Still two in the three from last week's picks isn't all bad.
For the Cup still belongs to Universal Prince despite it only coming 6th on Saturday. Etheral would have to be the best of the kiwis and will likely go out favourite over there. Making up my three at this stage is Big Pat who scored a fast finishing third on Saturday.
So the extra distance and the long straight will favour Universal Prince, Etheral on the history of the NZ'ers and Big Pat for his run on Saturday and Paddy's name sake.
As always it is the hardest race in the country to pick, it's long, it's rough and is full of the best. Three roughies if your looking for better money are Yippio, Primrose sands and always the bridesmaid, Kaapstad Way.
You can pick it on jockeys, trainers, form and even a dart at the board at you have just as good a chance as getting a collect.
Confessions
They are trying to drum up a bit more business down at the church, so they now have two confessionals with one that says, 8 items or less.
The new priest was complaining about having to give up his sex life when he joined only to find that others came in to tell him the highlights of theirs.
Not Guilty
Gus was charged with flogging a barrel of beer from behind the pub. The judge said that he was going to dismiss the charge because of insufficient evidence.
Now Gus didn't understand legal jargon so he asked.
"What does that mean?"
The clerk relied "It means you are let off."
"And does it mean I can keep the grog?"
Call the vicar
Old Swigo Sweeney was on his death bed and about to depart for the big 24 hour bar in the sky and he said to his missus. "Call the vicar, I'm nearly done here."
"You mean the priest, don't you?" She replied.
"No, I mean the vicar, I want to become a protestant, It's better that one of them die rather than one of ours."
Goog McGill
The one and the same Goog McGill that is mine Host of the Kokatahi Hotel, the second hotel on the planet to stock the Good Bastards Beer. Reckons that what we should do is make all the pubs, clubs, restaurants that stock the worlds most humorous beer an official Good Bastards establishment.
Great Idea Goog. Will get our Graphic people on the case. There is going to be a shit load of them around the world. How do you spell 'Goog' anyway!
Kathleen Ainsley
Kathleen sent through word that my little discovery the money from the ATM machines comes from your own account! Well "not so" said the quick off the mark Kath. "Brian Ainsley puts the money in his account and I takes it out. Nice one Kathleen. Come to think of it Brian, got a spare card there?"
Her brother Kerry asked her what she looked for most in her husband, brains, wealth or appearance. "Apearance." Said Kath. "And the sooner the better."
Ted Phillips
Ted is a good bastard from Helensville north of Auckland and could easily write a book about his worldly exploits. Ted gave me a call Yesterday having read about The Good Bastards Beer in a couple of Auckland papers,
Ted shot to fame a few years ago when he was queing for a few days and was in the front of the que to get some tickets for the Bledisloe cup. The queue was five blocks long and just as it was nearing opening time a man strode to the front of the line brimming with confidence.
No way Ted was putting up with this, so he threw the bloke to the ground and told him to go or words to that effect. Three times he threw the bloke to the ground and three times he got up.
Finally the bloke said. "You throw me to the ground one more time and as God is my judge, I'm never going to unlock the office door."
Website and Capt'n Jack
Capt'n Jack has been doing a great job and has just posted the posters used to promote the Good Bastards Day and the Good Bastards Golf Classic.
Click here to see.
Also check under the Good Bastards Gold Nugget to get a look at this rare and well-presented gem. Click here to see
Capt'n Jack doesn't agree with Mulga Bill on his assertion that Viscount would won the Cox's plate if Northerly and Sunline hadn't knocked it for a row of shitters in the straight.
Mulga Bill says "Northerly is a great horse as is Sunline. However watch Viscount next year, it will be up there."
Capt'n Jack will have his three for the Melbourne Cup posted next week. So we will see which of the two get the money.
Remember Capt'n Jack does great Web sites. Email him with your queries about you having a personal one or one for your business or club. Simply click here, or on his name at the bottom of any page. He's a Good bastard.
Next weeks News
Could be a bit sparse as I am on the road, you can be sure there will be something though. With much information gathering as I meet up with a lot of Good Bastards.
The last word from Paddy
Met a Good bastards son the other day.
Looks just like his father.
Just as long as he's healthy is all that really matters I suppose.
See you next week
Websites by:
Capt'n Jack
Last Update 30 October 2001