Monday 22th of October 2001
Updated weekly
AREN’T YOU JUST SICK OF ALL THE NEGATIVITY THAT WE GET BOMBARDED WITH EVERY DAY. HERE ARE A FEW FACTS THAT THEY SEEM TO HAVE BEEN MISSED.
The death toll from the terrorist attacks in the USA are never far from the headlines. Deplorable acts that we will never forget. What about the survival statistics, surely these figures are worth a mention?World Premiere Book Launch
Everything is falling in place and Rachel OTeachain is receiving a steady flow
of registrations. If you have intentions of being there, now is as good a time
as any to register. Give her a ring on 03 755 8344 and lock in your place.
It kicks off at 6pm and the admission price of $10 includes food. Drinks are
at bar prices and wine is compliments of the Southland Hotel.
The Australian Book Launch
This will take place at Paradise Springs Golf Club on Robina Causeway on the
Gold Coast. To book, ring Paddy on 07 5527 2233. Food is provided in the $12
admission price. Good Bastards is about fun and humour and both launches are
going to provide heaps of both.
Good Bastards Day
The program is coming together and those intending on being there hold an air
of anticipation. They know that anything could happen; last year we saw a fully-grown
horse complete with jockey in colours walk through the bar. What will this year’s
event reveal?
Grant Gillespie Reports
Legal reasons prevent us from directly naming the aged couple involved in this
story. However some of you may recognise them. They were reminiscing their younger
days on how wonderful it all was.
They decided to revisit some of the places that were near and dear to them.
They met at a dance at the Woodstock Hall, so they went and pondered the event
while standing in what they thought was the exact spot they first danced. They
waltzed away in each other’s arms and drifted back to time long long ago when
it had all began.
They walked to a remote area out the back of the domain where he kissed her
tenderly.
One thing led to another and as the setting sun disappeared and darkness crept
in he lead her to a secluded spot near the boundary fence, just has he had done
many years before.
She was more responsive this time and as she pushed her naked body against his
he backed up against the fence. She welcomed his fullness as he launched into
the most energetic sexual encounter she had ever experienced. She had never
known such athleticism. Her passion exploded like it had never done before and
they both concluded the interlude panting and in a lather of sweat.
"Honey" she said " The memories did wonderful things for you, your unbridled
erotica was the best we have ever had. You never moved like that 50 years ago
when we first met."
"Fifty bloody years ago that bloody fence wasn’t electrified."
Get the **** out the way, we have
a fire to fight
Around 9 40 pm one evening last week the people of Hokitika had good reason
to thing the Taliban had arrived. The power went out, there were explosions
and the glow in the northern skies was progressively lighting up the skies.
The war, it seemed, had come to this otherwise quite but progressive community.
And on a weeknight too. Most inconsiderate, still the troops were at the ready
and to a man woman and child were quickly ready to take up the cause and defend
their community. "Stuff like this cannot go unchallenged." One patriotic resident
was heard to say.
Meanwhile, the real drama was unfolding, the three mile mill was going up in
flames and firemen were on their way.
Trouble was the local troops on their way to defend the town were getting there
first.
The constant flow of traffic out to the battle site, now the three-mile mill
fire site was hampering the brigade’s proceedings.
Never fear, the brigade is here. They got through and contained the blaze and
limited the damage to what it would otherwise have been.
As relayed by someone not going to the war and who couldn’t get across Fitzherbert
Street for the constant flow out of town.
Wife vs Husband
Wife: You tell a husband anything it goes in one ear and out the other.
Husband: You tell a wife something; it goes in both ears and out her mouth slightly
improved.
Keeping in touch
They say you should keep in touch with your body, mine isn’t all that communicative
but I did hear from it this morning. I said body; today we are off to the gym
to have a rigorous work out with resistance. And I distinctly heard it say;
do that ya bastard and you die.
The female version of Good Bastards
Ruthy, some times called Ruth and Justice, raised the point the other day about
women being called "Bastardettes". Well Ruthy, we don’t discriminate. Females
are Good Bastards just like blokes are. Now, to refer what is mentioned in the
definitions within the book.
A Good Bastards is anyone that you like. It has no bearing on the married
status or otherwise of the parents. A genuine Good Bastard can generally be
relied upon to stick with you when the chips are down. Seldom are they whinging
bastards or a host of other types of absolutely useless bastards that exist.
They are not those bastards that miss the cut and then go on to make other peoples
life’s miserable.
Spelling Mistakes
Had a do gooder bastard ring up about the odd spelling mistake that yours truly
slips into to the scribbles.
"Could you understand what I was endeavouring to say?" I asked.
"Perfectly" he said, "But your spelling was wrong" postulated the scholar.
Well I thought for a bit and I said. "So you recon you can spell do you?"
"Yes" he replied with an air of confidence "I’m a very good speller."
"Mmmmmmm" I thought, and luck would have it I had this bloody great medical
dictionary that the middle east correspondent had given us a while back.
It is Mosby’s Medical, Nursing and Allied Health Dictionary.
So I opened the bastard up as I said, "Well I said here are few to test you
out."
"Okay." He replied.
"Erythroblastosis fetalis." I shot at him, three goes and he still got them
all wrong.
"Sulfobromophthalein." Few stutters and he was gonged.
"Thrombocytopenic purpura." Half way through that one and the bastard hung up.
Seems he didn’t want to play anymore. Shame really, I was just getting warmed
up. I had 2042 pages of these sort of words. Old Mosby would have to be the
best speller on the planet. Now if he rang up I would really have a problem.
Four Million, Nine Million and Fifteen
Million Lotto Prizes
Big lotto prizes in Australia this week, Tuesday night, Oz lotto jackpotted
to $4 000 000.00. Thursday night had a jackpot prize of $9 000 000.00 and went
to one winner in NSW. Saturday was $15 000 000.00 first division and was won
by 16 different winners who each received $937,500.00. Not a bad nights work
if you can get it. Why not you, hey why not me!!!!!!
The best way to play all three is on the Syndicate
Club it increases your chances dramatically and designed that if you introduce
others into it you can play for free. Check out the winner’s page. You could
be one of them.
My Mate Errol Mulga Bill, the Bookie, up-dates us in the lead up to The Melbourne Cup "Good Bastards" the book is printed Mike Keenan On The Case Legal Matters Good Bastards Beer New Beer Bottle Retail Outlets Wanted Good Bastards Rugby Union Football Club Good Bastards Diet Definition of Mixed Emotion We not saying who, but The difference The School Curriculum The final word from Paddy See you next week
If you said to him, "Hard work never killed anyone."
He would reply. "Why risk it finding out."
Well two out of four ain’t too bad, Etheral and Sky Heights half a nose on the
line in the Caulfield. Trouble was, Kaapstad Way and Primrose Sands didn’t figure,
pay to forget the run, she is much better than that. I did have a 2 over 3 roughie
bet on, and gave a good return, coming in third. Coming down the straight I
thought the bastard would win. Got me out with Flavour in the tenth tidying
up for the day.
Kaapstad Way needs a hard and fast track to give it his best shot. Trouble is
all the big races it has been in lately have been anything but. Still I thought
he would do it.
Still like him as a possibility for the Cup but Universal Prince is still the
one to beat at this stage, still a lot can happen in two weeks. The owner and
trainer are looking for a big one from Sky Heights and reckon they have it in
the bag.
Copulater, around next Monday, with more good oil.
It has rolled off the presses down at McPherson’s Printing in Victoria. This
week it is bound and then next week it is bound again, to bookshops around Australia
and New Zealand.
Mike Keenan, the main man in Westland’s Wild Food Festival has put his shoulder
into the Good Bastards Scrum and is doing a good job spreading the Good Bastard
word. Onya Mike. I told Mike I would drop him it, so I wouldn’t be doing my
duty unless I did, so Mike here’s a story that should do your good reputation
no end of damage. He told me he is on a get fit program, he is doing
20 sit up’s every morning. He can only hit the snooze button so many times.
While there are a few Good Bastard Lawyers there are a bloody lot that don’t
fit that mould. Each week we will look at some of the goings on of some of those
of the legal profession who leave more than a lot to be desired. If you know
of a story relating to something similar to the one below send it to: yarns@goodbastards.com
Lawyer: "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the pulse?"
Pathologist: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you listen to the heart?"
Pathologist: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Pathologist: "No."
Lawyer: "So when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure he was dead,
were you?"
Pathologist: "Well let me put it this way. The man’s brain is in a jar on my
desk but I guess it is possible that he could be still out there somewhere,
practicing law."
It is in full production, the labels are printed and the brews are brewed and
the bottles are standing quietly awaiting starters orders. The packaging is
designed and in its production run. So lather up your lips, tune in your taste
buds, clear the throatal passage, feet half a metre apart, hand on the bar rail,
change on the bar: "HEY ALAN, WHERE’S THE BLOODY BEER?"
They have a new babies bottle out. It’s shaped like a woman’s breast. Pat Condon
said, "Forget about the baby’s bottle, make beer bottles."
If you have a bar, bottle shop, restaurant, club or any other licensed establishment
in Australia or New Zealand and would like to sell Good Bastards Lager And Good
Bastards Dark Ale, the worlds most humorous beer, then email beerorders@goodbastards.com
. We have Good Bastards standing by all around Australia and New Zealand waiting
to give a few bob for a bottle or two of the world’s best natural brew.
Gus Heveldt, president of the Good Bastards Rugby Union Club said he now had
four clubs interested in the Good Bastards Rugby Tournament tentatively scheduled
for the first weekend of November 2002. The latest club to show interest is
the Harlequin’s Club in Melbourne. Peter Bolton the club president said it sounds
like the ideal end of season trip that his players are looking for.
Peter, who made it to the bench for the Wallabies a few years ago, has never
been to Hokitika, although has heard much about it from team members who have
been part of the mighty Quins. They were 3rd in the Melbourne Union
Comp this year.
Check em out on www.quinsrugby.com.au
The decision on Melbourne fielding a team in next years super twelves is still
to come down. Watch this space, you could hear it first here.
Eat as much as you want, when you want. You won’t loose any weight, but it is
real easy to stick too.
Watching your mother in law drive over a cliff in your new Mercedes.
One particular Good Bastard who is a bit overweight, well you know how they
say they put so and so under the microscope!!!!! Well this Good Bastard they
had to put under the Hubble Telescope. If he ran on the spot his thighs rubbed
together and if you touched them with a piece of paper they caught fire. He
got shot once and no-one had a puncture kit and he went floating out of the
sliding doors like a deflating balloon, making a noise like a gigantic fart.
Women want a video of the babies Birth.
Men want one of the conceptions.
The unnamed, but known, teacher was telling the pupils how people got their
surnames, like Baker, Carpenter, Cook etc. When little Paddy put his hand up.
The teacher said. "Have you got an example Paddy!"
"No, more of a question teach, how did John Hancock get his name?"
Anyone can give up smoking; it takes a real man to face cancer.
