Monday 15th of October 2001
Updated weekly
The Union Delegate
The word was out that farmer wasn’t paying his staff properly for work on the
farm and the union delegate was there to investigate. He was introduced to Harry
first.
"Harry here drives the tractor, works 40 hours a week and gets $400 clear a week and room and board." Next the farmer introduced him to Mary the maid.
"Mary gets $400 a week clear does all the cooking and cleaning and doesn’t have to work weekends."
"Harrumph." Grunted the inspector beginning to think he had received a bum steer.
"Is there anyone else?"
"Yes, there is, half wit."
"How much does he get?" Asked the inspector sensing he was onto something.
"Well he works 80 hours a week, never gets a day off and gets 15 bucks a week if he is lucky."
"I’ll definitely talk to him then." Demands the Inspector gleefully.
"You’re already talking to him." Said the farmer.
Good Bastards Beer
It’s official; there will be two brews of beer. Good Bastards
Dark Ale, and Good Bastards Lager. After much tasting at a Secret Good Bastards
Meeting at several undisclosed location it was unanimously agreed that both
types of beer should be available.
The first order for the beer has been placed in Australia where it is expected to gain wide acceptance also on an ongoing basis.
It is extremely good beer and is healthy as well, Getitindia.
Medical Breakthrough
Unconfirmed reports have surfaced where it is believed that Good Bastards Beer only kills the Bad Brain Cells
Australian Book Launch
The first Australian book Launch will be held at Palm Springs
Golf Club Robina Causeway on the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia at 6.30 pm on
Friday the 23rd of November. If you are interested in attending
please Phone Paddy’s business number on 07 55272233, leave a message if he’s not
there, or email him on paddy@goodbastards.com
Good Bastard goes to heaven
A Good Bastard and two other blokes were killed in a crash and were shunted off to Heaven. When they arrived Saint Peter sez, "Ok you guys, you have to go to the orientation department."
Over they go and in turn each was asked the same question:
"When you were in your coffin and all your family rels and mates are gathering around, what would you most like to hear them say?"
The first one replys, "I would like them to say I was a good politician and I had served the community well."
The second ponders and says, "I would enjoy the words, he was a great lawyer, a pillar of society, It’s sad that he has gone."
The Good Bastard immediately replies. "I would like to hear them say, look he’s breathing."
New Zealand Book Launch.
The reservations are coming in for the WORLD PREMIER BOOK
LAUNCH on the 5th of November at the Southland Hotel Hokitika at 6
pm. That’s Guy Fawks Night, so things should go off with a bang. Food is
included in the $10.00 admission, Wine Compliments of the Southland Hotel, other
drinks at Bar Prices. Book now to avoid disappointment, phone Rachel on 03
7558344
Don’t laugh; this could be you in a few years!!!!!!!
A husband and wife both 85 years old were having trouble with their memories. So they went to the doctor to see if he could help.
"Write it down." Was his advice, "Then if you forget you can refer to your notes and you will remember."
That night they were sitting in the lounge listening to the news on the radio and the husband got up and his wife asks. "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen to make a cup of tea." he reply’s.
"Write it down." She prompts.
"Nope I will remember."
"While you’re in there would you get me a bowl of strawberries."
"Yes dear"
"Write it down and I want some ice cream and whipped cream on the top. Write it down."
"I’ll be right, I’ll remember."
Twenty minutes later he emerges from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She gazed at the plate for a while and then said.
"You forgot the toast."
Good Bastards Day race tips from Mulga Bill the Bookie
Well the big race at Flemington on Saturday the 6th
of October saw Melbourne Cup hopefuls in full force. While the kiwi wonder horse
Sunline won the race, Universal Prince finished like it had a rocket up its arse
and would have won if the race were a chain longer. The smart money on that
performance would have to go on Universal Prince at his next start. Kaapstad Way
was fourth again and Big Pat was further back.
The consistent mare Primrose Sands was third and paid 4 bucks
on the Queensland TAB. She will make you more money; so keep the monocle on her
for a future punt.
The Cox plate is looming. It will be a ripsnorter. Sunline will
be the likely favourite and by no means has it in the bag. There will be tough
competition with Northerly, which will also be at short odds. Throw in Shogun
Lodge, Lonhro and Viscount and it is the classiest field for ages. Then there is
this German bastard called Silvano, which could sour the cream on the trifle.
For my money though I’m sticking with Universal Prince to get the gong. I recon
it will still have the rocket up its arse and will nail Sunline and Silvano on
the line.
Caulfield Cup, now I’m not going past Kaapstad Way, put the
house on but make sure you have a tent though. Primrose Sands is the main danger
and I reckon Sky Heights will hold down third and Etheral will make up the first
four. (Etheral started at 17 to 1 so look for good place money if it gets
up.)
If you are going for multiples don’t leave out Native Jazz and
King Keitel.
Don’t Forget Good Bastards Day
Tuesday 6th of November
at the Southland Hotel Hokitika.
Big money to made on the day plus heaps of prizes.
Religious Instruction
Remember this story when you read the First Bastard in the book, Good Bastards.
It was a fine sunny morning as the priest took a walk along the lovely bush track. When he noticed a sad frog sitting on an old tree stump.
"What’s the matter, why are you so sad?" Enquires the priest.
"Well I’m sad because I never used to be a frog and I remember the good times prior to that."
"Is that right, please explain what you mean?"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old alter boy at your very
church. Then one day as I walked along this very track a wicked old witch
confronted me. Let me past, I asked. She called me an insolent little wretch and
with a flash of her wand, turned me into this cursed frog."
"That’s Terrible, is there any way of reversing the spell?"
"Yes, it has been said that if someone would pick me up and
take me home and feed me and give a good warm bed, I would wake up a boy
again."
"I will do that for you." Said the kindly priest.
He picked up the frog, took him home and gave him a hearty meal
and warmed him by the fire. At bedtime he placed him on his pillow and lo and
behold when he awoke the next morning, there was the 11 year old alter boy
beside him in bed.
And that, your honour, is the case for the defence.
Wanna get out of the rat race?
Well one of our long term Good Bastards has a quaint Hotel for
sale in a lush rural area of New Zealand. It caters to a prosperous farming
community and enjoys good returns. So if your looking to get out of the rat race
and enjoy the fresh smell of green grass while being master of your own destiny,
then this is for you. The building is well maintained and the Business is
included with the freehold. Now, if that’s not a great deal, I don’t know what
is.
The good news is the owner will look at taking a nice house as
part payment. If you’re interested email Paddy on paddy@goodbastards.com with your phone
number and he will have the owner contact you.
Good Bastards web site
Thinking of having your own web site? Well, email Capt'n Jack at
the bottom of each page. The Captain hails from beautiful Byron Bay in Northern
NSW. Regardless of where you are he can put a site up for you. We all live in an
electronic global village, which puts the other side of the world on your
screen.
Our site is constantly being tweaked as we refine our story, so
check out the buttons from time to time, as there is sure to be something
different.
It’s good to see that we have received 260 hits in the first 12 days. Good on you Capt’n Jack, you’re doing a great job.(Ta muchly, ed)
Business Opportunity
Paddy has over the last eleven years developed a successful
Franchise Network in Australia called Stain Busters Cleaning Systems. It is a
specialist carpet cleaning company. The company is expanding at present and has
opportunities in various parts of Australia. A Master Franchisee is sought for
New Zealand. Interested? Then check out www.equitylicensing.com
Over heard at various Secret Good Bastards Meetings.
Did you know that five out of four people have trouble with Fractions? Commented Bloody Leo
Alan Kerr posed the Question, "If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?" Deep thinker that boy.
"What’s a free gift?" asked Pat Condon. " Aren’t all gifts free!"
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart." Bloody Leo again.
Tim Teen wanted to know: "Why is it that Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
When told that Gary Hutchison broke his arm in two places. Paul Teen said "I reckon he should stop going to those two places."
John Hynds posed and answered the following question:
Question: Why do they lock service station Toilets?
Answer: They are frighten someone might clean them.
Good Bastards Chairman of the Board has birthday
Phil Duffy esquire turned 88 on the 7th of October.
A man blessed with eternal youth and countless friends, Phil has overseen the
Good Bastards Days since their inception.
Heres to you Phil, and may you have many more.
Bad News
You know those ATM machines!!!! Well the money they give you comes from YOUR account.
New Doll
Yes the Barbie people are releasing a new Hooker Barbie for Christmas. It comes complete with Ken the Pimp.
The final Word from Paddy
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
See you next week
